Angry at husbands reaction

It's not unreasonable at all to be sad that you have missed out on being a Mum and the visit highlighted and reignited your painful loss.

Most people would understand the loss- perhaps as your husband is trying to convey when he knows how you feel. That is he might have been trying to demonstrate empathy and understanding as he cares about you. No one, including your husband can know your actual feelings and how you are experiencing them internally.

Your question: *AIBU to have expected a bit more understanding when he knows how much I longed for a child of my own?*- is very difficult to answer as your expectations are unknown and unclear.

Describe to us what you mean by "a bit more understanding" and what you expect and hope for from your husband by way of his words and actions. As I don't know- perhaps your husband does not know? Meanwhile he is walking on egg shells regarding the forthcoming birth of this grandchild and in your eyes failing to meet your needs and expectations.

I see both sides to this .
Your husband's reaction makes me wonder if he's sensitive about not being able to give you a child.
It's very difficult for you to express your pain to him and he's defensive.
He must feel guilty.

Try to talk about it to a close friend and perhaps not to him in future.
But if it becomes an issue you both might need counselling .

I mean DancingDuck.

FAncingDuck did not tell her husband she's angry at not having had a child of her own Macaydia.

I think your husband was being ‘male defensive’ he probably feels really horrible that he caused you ( you say his fault ???) to not have your hearts desire but because there’s nothing he can do about it now he put his steel armour on and defected the blame by becoming angry
I can totally understand how you feel but you are only hurting yourself to keep on feeling it as it’s nothing that can be rectified now
Say no more and enjoy the new arrival but your feelings are perfectly valid 💐

To expand on that, you feeling angry is not unreasonable. You telling your husband you are angry serves no good purpose.

Men can be incredibly insensitive, but that doesn't change the fact that you haven't got children of your own, you need to speak to him seriously that you were upset by his comments.

My wife has 5 GC but has very much been kept at arms length with only occasional contact, outwardly it doesn't seem to bother her, inwardly Im sure she would like more but just gets on with her own life.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. It is fine for you to feel sad about not having a child from your womb but what sort of reaction were you expecting from a man? You wanted him to feel incapable, at fault, and apologise for causing this sadness? Get rid of the "step" in your mind and your language and juat carry on celebrating with the DH you are sharing a bit of your life with. No pity. Continue forward, not backwards.

Cossy I agree step grandparent is not a term used in our house either. My DH is the only dad my two grew up with so he is now granddad to our GC.
When our GC are older they will know the details of my divorce and remarriage as they should.

Because my mum struggled to have a baby for many years till she had me (many miscarriages and a baby boy who was still born) I do try to be sensitive to what is happening in other people’s lives and never make assumptions so I’m really sorry that your husband has hurt you by being so insensitive as to how you are feeling which is totally understandable .

Only you know the dynamics of your relationship. And you know your DH and whether his comment is out of character or not. Is he usually sensitive and understanding or is he a fixer..? So it's impossible to know what he thinks or how he feels. In the heat of the moment it's easy to over react and get it wrong. Childlessness is deeply emotional and a very tender spot that needs gentle care. I think these sorts of couple conversations are best undertaken in the right time and place. Maybe the timing here was wrong. Even do, this is not just a one off..life will be full of these sorts of feelings..so try to take the long view in conveying how you feel over time.

I do feel.for you in the grief of this ongoing loss. Also sorry for the ways grannies can be so dreadfully boring and self centred. We're not all like that fortunately. I, too hope you will enjoy the new baby. X

He was insentitive, you shouldn't have to hide your very valid feelings, you should be able to talk about how it to him. I am glad you have a good relationship with your stepchildren. 💐

valdali

Dickens - I think that's more than likely.

My DH is very sensitive about mum / baby situations but he's never owned up to this - there are topics on TV or conversation that he just leaves the room over.

And that can lead to unexplained outburst if I make a tactless commment.

Oh valdali, what a difficult circumstance to navigate... sparing another's feelings whilst trying to compensate them yourself.

I think men do grieve these things, but not in the same way women do?

I doubt your 'comments' are tactless though - rather that they hit a nerve with your DH. I'm sorry you have to tread on eggshells - as does DancingDuck it seems.

Tbh I took ‘his fault’ to mean he’d had a vasectomy that couldn’t be reversed or that he’d made the choice they wouldn’t have children together

But maybe I’m surmising

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have regret though. A life that could have been.

It doesn’t invalidate the ladies feeling though. I’m so appreciative of my own StepFather who took on me as his own and my own children as his grandchildren, despite having no biological children with my Mother. My children adore him, I mean adore. They know no different, they don’t know about blood relatives and their other horrible grandad, they’ve just known him as grandad and they’re all grown up now and nothing has changed. I know blended families can be difficult but there are lots of us who just get on with it and make the best of what we have- love, security and family. It will all be ok.

I hope this message reads ok as I’m on my phone with no glasses and I’ve had a glass of wine with my dinner 😳

winterwhite

It might not have been the wisest time to talk about this with your DH. It sounds as though he saw it as throwing cold water on a lovely occasion. You don’t say whether his first partner is still on the scene. If not and maybe even if so I see no reason why you need call yourself step.
This must have been a pang but you’ll surely overcome it and enjoy the baby and new family.

When my darling step-daughter had her child, her mum and her partner and her dad and I were ALWAYS referred to as Grandparents, no “step”, as all of our children, full siblings, half siblings and step siblings refer to themselves as “brother and sister”

JaneJudge

could it be he feels sad that you didn't have a child together, rather than not understanding at all?

Men grieve too,my OH never mentions our losses but I know he feels it just as much as me.Blame or fault isn,t a word that should be used around a fertility problem …in my opinion.That is cruel ,I,m sure he feels bad that you believe Hes to blame for your sadness at not having a baby of your own and of course sad that you couldn,t have a child together,.It wil be a sadness he carries with him ,maybe you need to tell him it’s not his fault

As with most things in life nothing is ever done and dusted. You have the right to feel and say how you feel. Maybe you can say that you are not blaming him but you couldn't help wanting to say how you feel. It is allowed. I'm sorting of assuming he had a vascectomy after his children and before he met you. Apologies if I've misunderstood. But whatever the reason, he likely feels well you knew and you chose to be with me. So he has rationalised it whereas we can't all put something in a box with a lid on. It's alright to feel the way you do and maybe you just need a bit of empathy from him.

Dickens - I think that's more than likely.

My DH is very sensitive about mum / baby situations but he's never owned up to this - there are topics on TV or conversation that he just leaves the room over.

And that can lead to unexplained outburst if I make a tactless commment.

Dickens

Oh dear, these kinds of AIBUs are always difficult to answer, because there is usually so much that is not said which might put a different perspective on the matter.

Firstly, I can understand your sadness at not having a child of your own, however you say the reason why is basically "his fault".

Is it possible that he felt guilted by your comment? That could explain why instead of being sympathetic, he became angry?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this pain and sadness.

I entirely agree. He knows it is he that has meant you are childless.

Oh I am sorry for how you feel and hope that you will be able to enjoy the grandchild fully. Ignore your husband's comment and look forward to what is to come.
I have children but no grandchildren, and I have friends who talk incessantly about their grandchildren. Seek revenge by showing every photograph you can muster of the new baby ad infinitum, and say how you know how much they all enjoyed sharing baby photos, so they will love seeing yours!.

No you’re certainly not being unreasonable! Your DH is extremely insensitive, this new arrival to be just brings it all back again for you.
I would be angry too, and am, on your behalf🤬

It might not have been the wisest time to talk about this with your DH. It sounds as though he saw it as throwing cold water on a lovely occasion. You don’t say whether his first partner is still on the scene. If not and maybe even if so I see no reason why you need call yourself step.
This must have been a pang but you’ll surely overcome it and enjoy the baby and new family.

could it be he feels sad that you didn't have a child together, rather than not understanding at all?

It is a difficult situation for you.

Is it possible you have mentioned it very frequently in the past, and he didnt want the "moment" , "ruined"??