Feeling really torn....

sandelf

It is perhaps possible your Mum is coping fine now because she has already dealt with the grief of losing your father - if, for example he had been ill or declining for a long time.

Women over 80 are more likely to be carers or widowed than men, over 90 it is twice as likely.
It is also possible that if dad was ill, she had put a lot of her life on hold and her friends are pulling her back into her former activities. The female network seems to be much stronger to help fill the gaps.

It’s so not easy

Believe me ,Daisy - you are not the only one who is having a hard time after losing someone.

Grief is a terrible emotion.
I've been through the stages snd then find myself repeating them .
I'm still waiting for acceptance.

I have a close friend ,who lost her husband last year and she's inconsolable over it.
And another friend ,who has been grieving for about five years .
As for me - everyone is shocked at my poor physical shape and how poleaxed I am from my father's death.
Just do things ,which please you and don't allow yourself to be bullied by people who tell you to get over it .

Many condolences.

i lost my dad last september, he was 80 but in good health, he had a fall then they discovered cancer, he decided within a few days not have treatment and just give up, he was gone in a week, but i feel cheated, and angry, he left me when i was 3 and i only saw him for a few days when i was 18 and my gran had died, i contacted him when i had my son but he said just to leave things, as i got older i wanted to find him and i did 10 years ago, i would visit every summer and we talked every sunday, but 10 years was not enough, i am still angry with him, the cancer was treatable with tablets and he would have lived for another few years, i never got to say goodbye, he lived in england me and scotland, i was sorting things for me to go and see him but he kept saying leave it a few weeks. i keep thinking of him and get angry with him, why did he do that, his other daughter was with him but why did he not want me. i lost my husband when i was 39 (now 62) and i got on with things back then even though i had to have his life support turned off, why is it so different with my dad?

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone doesn’t their own way. Some people choose to mask their true feelings while others want to share. Sounds like you need to talk to a professional. I am sorry for your loss

It is perhaps possible your Mum is coping fine now because she has already dealt with the grief of losing your father - if, for example he had been ill or declining for a long time.

Give her the love she gave you, it's so easy

Daisy I sorry about your dad. My dad had wanted to die he hated what his body became and he only held on for as long as he did because mom wasn't ready to let go.

Where you a daddies girl? I was . I loved mom my very much but it was dad who told me the facts of life any problems went to my dad. My dad died at home when he was 80. I cried the day he died but I had mom to cope with and everything death brings . My brother worked full time and spent 4 nights sleeping in his lorry. Also I knew what to do because I had done it 3 years earlier when my husband died. Dad made me promise to get rid of all his clothes week after he died . Mom knew his wishes but couldn't help. But that was ok. Took me 8 months before I got rid of my husbands clothes and my daughter helped.

This may seem hard hearted not crying again until dad's funeral. But mom was in pieces so it was up to me. Dad's only request was no woman vicar they talk to much. Rest was up to what we wanted. My daughter wrote the eulogy it was about taking all the grandchildren on picnics Dad's style. I remember hearing the words but all I could think was the coffin was to big for dad and then I couldn't stop crying .

You say your mom is amazing and just gets on with things. I did that but when alone I was a sodden mess. I thought I had to be brave for everyone else. Think you mom is doing that . When the other half of you dies there is never going back to normal especially as your parents where married a long time. If your mom feels like me half me died with my husband she may feel the same. I have never told me children because no matter how old your children are you still want to protect them. Your mom is still protecting you.

You say you are thinking about moving closer to your mom. But don't do anything or mention it to your mom . I know this will be hard but wait a year . She may not want you living closer as she may feel guilty as you say you have a good life.

Your parents probably talked about what they would do when one of them died . And what they wanted the one left to do. My husband was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises which I have keep for the last 22 years.

You have all the firsts to come but remember your mom will have more firsts to face. It's going to be hard for you both.

What would your dad say to you? If you think about it deep down you know what that would be. He would want you to live your life to the full. If there is something your dad wanted to do but never did perhaps either on your own or with your mom do it.

If you go on the bereavement forum there is a thread about grieving a parent or parents can't remember the title. Perhaps that will help you more than my ramble that's if it has helped.

I think you're missing your caring role, with your dad passing away.
You're obviously someone who is a "giver".
Also, I think the sense of loss when a parent dies is more profound than we may have imagined. (It was for me, at least)
So you have to juggle all of those feelings, alongside mourning your loss.
Just be, that's enough for now.

So sorry for your loss Daisy25

I am very sorry for your loss. Please allow yourself time to grieve. We are all different. You will find an answer in due course but, for now, just be easy on yourself.

Oh Daisy, I really feel for you. It's really tough trying to get through your own grief when you lose a parent, but also having to be there for the remaining spouse.

And it is very tough when you first lose a parent. I think you just need to be led by your Mum for now. I'm sure you will be able to sense if and when she needs your help and support.

It's really quite early days for you both. When we lose a loved one there's this desire to "get back to some normality" - when in fact you're living your new normal.

Taking care of yourself and organising things to do is good right now. Small steps. And I would say maybe don't make any big decisions whilst you are still quite vulnerable. Give yourself time and space to grieve.

I love that my Mum may never need help, but think she will at some point, even if it just to do admin etc. My Mum is nearly 80 my Dad passed away at 83.
My grown up DD's one married, no children one in US not married, career woman.
I'm sure it will all be fine, I think because we are approaching Father's Day I am missing the fact everyone came to me last year. So I think that's why I was so unsettled.
I'm going to give myself a break and arrange some nice things.
I actually live a good life and should be very grateful.
TY Rosie1959

So sorry for the loss of your dad I lost mine a few years ago now but it was a release for him as he was suffering from end stage dementia I was totally devoted to my dad but I took forward what he had taught me in life and got on with living.
Your mum is doing what is necessary for her she knows she is now alone but life has to go on.
I had my own family and grandchildren to think about so even though it was hard at times I knew my dad would wish me to get on with life. I obviously can't see him anymore but I feel he is still with me.
Certainly no need to make any big decisions now I don't know how old your mum is but she may never need help not everyone does.
Wishing you the best for the future it will get easier.