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About 30 years ago, my mother (then in her 60s) saw an offer of topsoil. She ordered 15 tons of it as she was a keen gardener and was displeased with the quality of the soil she had in her garden.
The soil was delivered in a huge heap to the pavement and road at the end of the drive to their house in a cul-de-sac. She then called my brother and me, at the time both working full-time, with small children, and asked us to come the next day, a Saturday, and move it for her. To be honest, I don’t think she’d had any idea what 15 tons of soil would look like. Not that she admitted that.
We both turned up and worked for several hours to shovel and barrow it to the back garden, and to the beds in the front garden. It was difficult to distribute it all because the gardens were not that large.
We both thoroughly resented that we were asked to do this job. Our mother didn’t really give us any room to say no. Our two (younger) siblings were either not asked or did say no - we never discovered. We were thin-lipped when we arrived, and the whole time we were doing it, we grumbled and made sarcastic jokes with each other, although our mother did not hear any of that because she stayed out of the way, inside the house while we worked. It was pretty hard work too, for a civil servant and a teacher, not used to manual labour. We were thanked at the time, but much in the way that you’d thank someone for doing some small thing. The whole thing was never mentioned again (except between my brother and me as a private running joke.)
I think now that my mother was likely embarrassed about having ordered so much, probably in error, and it being so visible to her neighbours. Appearances were always important to her.
My question is this. If I was a better person, having agreed to do the job, should I have done it with ‘a good grace’ and not grumbled about it? Should I have been sympathetic and tactful about my mother’s probable mistake and been pleased to help her out of an awkward situation? Obviously I can’t change the past, and my daughter says I should just forget about it. But it does prey on my conscience that I was not nicer about it at the time. What do you G’netters think?
You and your brother did a hard and unpleasant job (your other siblings didn't) which I am sure your Mum appreciated. It has given you and your brother the pleasure of a running joke over the years since.
There's no human being on the planet that could claim they did every unwelcome and unpleasant task in their life with "good grace". Cut yourself some slack and you have nothing to feel guilty about. 💐
I love that you are asking us a 30 year old question 
were you so mad you buried her under it?
I think you did brilliantly. So it's time to close the door on this and move on.
There's loads of things I might have done differently, but now I just try to live in the moment and forget the past.
Goodness if I were to dwell on things I did 30 years ago I would be a nervous wreck! As others have said you can’t change the past. However I would say that, in my opinion, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did the work for your Mum, even if you did grumble, and she was grateful so take comfort in that. Perhaps it is your younger siblings who should feel guilty.
We should all have been better people, unless there are a few saints among us.
On this particular OP subject, I don’t blame you for grumbling as you did it, but you did it!
Your Mum didn’t realise it would be dumped at the end of her drive, and turned to family to help her out.Which you did.
As my offspring says, 'I only have so much bandwidth'. You did the job despite feeling resentful so in reality it got done. If all the resentful tasks of a lifetime were added up we would be drowning in them. Look back, acknowledge you helped your mum and make sure you never do the same to your children. Relax and look forward.
You both did what your mom wanted you to do. Be proud you did it and it showed how much you loved your mom . 30 years ago time to let it go the past is gone .
Very impressed with your shifting ability. Took me most of a day to shift one tone of gravel not a great distance It was some thirty years ago and as a smallholder I was pretty fit and strong
15 tons, and what do ya get?
Another day older and deeper in debt.
I have just googled AI and 15 tons of topsoil in a conical pile will be 4 or 5 feet high and 10 or so feet wide at the base. It sounds like that thing in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Did a spaceship swoop over it?
My list of things I wish I hadn"t said or done is very long especially when I add the things I should have done and didn"t. Too late now and if anything good comes out of it it is to think before I speak or do now
Forgive yourself OP. What you and your bro did was amazing and I hope Mum brought out lots of drinks and snacks. She should of course have been trundling the wheelbarrow herself as well.
Any chance of you and DB having a dig over in my flowerbeds??
My DH ordered several tons of topsoil some years ago. It was dumped at the front of our house. But it was clay and clearly not topsoil. DH rang the company and insisted they come and collect it all which they did. You should never have been asked to do this. It’s ridiculous.
I read this post today and laughed. YOU have nothing to worry about, thinking back, you should have said no, told her to get a labourer. I say this because also, almost 30 years ago, MY MUM did a very similar thing to my sister and her husband. The house where they live, she deeded it to my sister and because the garden was old, rickety, FIXED WITH CONCRETE broken slabs and wonky, on a slant, mum decided to "order (get free) topsoil from someone she knew" so it could be levelled.
So soil came whilst sister/husband were at work and mum pointed to where it was to be tipped (right where they parked their cars!)
I think there was abit of ranting at the time, don't blame them, "Only trying to help!" Mums comment!
I do remember it took them a hot weekend to shift it all!
Why worry about this now? In the situation your describe you would have to have been a plaster saint not to have dealt with the anger the two of you rightly felt, by making bitter jokes etc.
But what is the point. It was 30 years ago and you acted in just the way any reasonable well balanced person would, you dissipated your highly justified anger by sarcasm and bitter jokes, instead of venting it on your mother by having a row with her.
You and your brother did a very good deed for your mum all those years ago and although she made light of it to you, she was probably extremely grateful and praised you up to all her friends and neighbours. Some people find it difficult to say "thank you", embarrassment maybe for asking you to do such a mammoth task, but no doubt she was very pleased with the pair of you. Your younger siblings probably got reminded over the years of how helpful you and your brother were that day, maybe they regret not pitching in to help at the time.
Like your daughter says, it was a long time ago, you did your best and were there when your mum needed you. You have nothing to reproach yourself for 💐.
15 tons ? You’d need a farm to spread that on I reckon. If you managed to spread it in a day that must be a world record. I’d be congratulating myself.
Lay it down, DotScot.
You helped her a great deal: she probably didn't thank you adequately profusely because she was guilty. she never heard you: you never took it our on here: you helped her when she was greatly in need.
Nothing to regret x
I want to know how the garden looked after the top soil was added?
Surely your mother would have been delighted with the result or wasn't she?
As Romola says, you have that special bond with your brother which is lovely.
Forgive yourself!
And it made an extra bond with your brother.
I think that was a major achievement, DotScot.
It has reminded me of the time almost 30 years ago ( I lived 80 miles away, full time job, family etc) when I was visiting my elderly parents one weekend. Their house had not been cleaned for some time, so I set to and did what I could, as well as shopping etc. I told my Mum she needed to get a cleaner, as I did, and use her Attendance Allowance if need be to pay her. Sadly she never did. They weren’t well off but at that stage they needed more help than I could give. Maybe I should have paid, but I don’t think my parents would have agreed.
Thank you all for your kind and reassuring responses. It never even occurred to me to think that my brother and I actually did a good thing by just doing the job regardless of our feelings about it.
What a nice supportive community this is! Thank you all.
Don't fret about it !
It was a lot of topsoil and I'm sure that it was totally exhausting .
I look back on things that my father asked me to do knowing full well that I would never refuse.
We are only human .
Twice in my life I made my mother cry- but I was upset and angry and she got the message.
I once tried to make a joke to my dad but it was inappropriate and looking back, not at all funny.
We all have these regrets over small things, I suspect.
Forgive yourself, no one's perfect. I doubt I would have done what you did. I would have asked the neighbours to take some for free ...
I'm sure we could all be better people, but we are who we are.
You did what you were asked to do, nobody fell out over it, so I'd say well done to you. 
15 tons in a few hours? Blimey, are you superman and supergirl?
Took me a whole day to shift a ton of gravel a few years ago and I was no slouch, fit and well.
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