Relative who is always too busy!

I have a relative of whom I am fond, but who says she 'doesn't do Christmas' so consequently I get not even a card.
I still give gifts to her though.
Maybe it's time to stop.
For you, GAT, and me.

I’m afraid some people are just selfish. I don’t know if they realise it. But it’s a wrench to break contact isn’t it. I have a niece who lives on her own, in her 40s, must have spare time but openly says she’s too busy and disorganised to send me a Christmas card, despite the fact that I always remember her each year and even bother to ask her new address when she moves. I’ve wondered this year whether to bother …but then I think do I want to be as selfish as she is….maybe not.

And she has done it again. Today is the anniversary of my late father's birthday. I received a message from my relative saying that she was sending a message to remember my late father today but that she was still too busy to send a proper reply to a message I had sent her in the summer. I just sent her a thumbs up as acknowledgement but won't bother with her anymore if she can't find the time to engage properly with me. Too old for all this stuff.

If you feel a weight has been lifted then you are doing the right thing.
Best wishes for your future without thinking of her and her visit.

She’s a selfish user and it sounds like you’ve decided enough is enough.

GoodAfternoonTea

She has done this to me now for decades that it is like a scar that heals and then she opens it again. When my parents were dying she gave me a blow by blow account by text of another relative dying of cancer. It really upset me to the point I asked her to stop as I was dealing with my own grief at the time. A final break is, for me, the only way to go. She brings me no joy and my whole family dread it when she says she is coming. I am too old and too fragile now to be confronted with yet another sanctimonious blow by blow account of all the personal issues of other family members. It's their business and private to them and should remain so.

Well, well done you! This is more insightful than your original post.

It does sound as if you have made your mind up so stick to your guns. This person sounds like a real pain in the neck so I hope she no longer bothers you and you're free of her insensitivity and pettiness.

One of my "friends" is always too busy to visit - except if I invite her to stay for an overnight or two. She has a car and lives only 45 minutes away.

I've just had a major op and she still hasn't found the time to come for a visit. She keeps saying she misses me! I'm not inviting her to stay overnight now because I am sleeping in the spare room until I have healed enough to share the main bed with hubby and the cat. So I guess she doesn't miss me enough to come for a day/morning/afternoon visit.

Fair enough goodafternoontea. It's your call.

Health

The NHS messaged me to say I’m not eligible for the shingles vaccine.

I don’t want the vaccine!

But I do want to know why I can have it if I’m 6 months older (70)
Or if I’ve just had my 65th birthday (from September 2025 onwards).
Or if I’m 66 or 67.

BUT NOT if I’m 68 or 69 (!)

Weird - or what?

She has done this to me now for decades that it is like a scar that heals and then she opens it again. When my parents were dying she gave me a blow by blow account by text of another relative dying of cancer. It really upset me to the point I asked her to stop as I was dealing with my own grief at the time. A final break is, for me, the only way to go. She brings me no joy and my whole family dread it when she says she is coming. I am too old and too fragile now to be confronted with yet another sanctimonious blow by blow account of all the personal issues of other family members. It's their business and private to them and should remain so.

This thread seems to have gone to other places but I just want to say I wouldn't change anything.

I find birthday cards pretty unnecessary these days but always get one from someone I haven't seen for years- so for me it is a reverse situation. When I e-mailed her to thank her she should dismissed it and said I was just on her list!

I don't want to be just on anyone's 'list.' People are weird.

If it was me I would look forward to the once a year dinner but I wouldn't cook it. Suggest you go out to somewhere local?
I love a good catch-up and as a relative you probably have other rleatives in common- so maybe you could meet up at a family occasion too?

Sincere condolences for the loss of your mum Sadie .

Sadie5803

Lost my mum yesterday, great old age of 98, still wasn't long enough

I'm so sorry for your loss Sadie5803 , this really puts things in perspective 😢 I lost my Mum when I was 39 , I always think the older your parents get the more precious they become . She must have been the most wonderful mother .Sending you ❤️

SHINGLES VACCINE:

The NHS messaged me to say I’m not eligible for this vaccine.

I don’t want the vaccine!

But I do want to know why I can have it if I’m 6 months older (70)
Or if I’ve just had my 65th birthday (from September 2025 onwards).
Or if I’m 66 or 67.

BUT NOT if I’m 68 or 69 (!)

Weird - or what?

I have been thinking hard about this and consider myself someone who constantly reaches out to friends and relatives, offers and looks for opportunities to get together and would tend to feel guilty not blaming if there seemed to be a lack of reciprocity. That is not to say that I am the good one just that it is my pattern of behaviour and those are the buttons I press to keep going as happily as I can. I would be very reluctant to advise anyone to cut someone off. Old friendships and relationships are generally valuable and if they are not they might need a bit of extra work. How about giving another chance and trying gently to address the situation. I would also think carefully about how you get on when you are together - does this relative make you laugh, connect you to others or remind you of things in your past? Do you feel diminished or worse at the end or is it a fairly easy occasion? I have ended relationships with people who seemed intent on hurting me but if they're just self centred I try to enjoy them for what they CAN offer. I suppose I'm a bit anxious about people cutting themselves off from others but that's not to say you shouldn't do it if that's what truly feels right. Personally I would feel that that message counted as remembering your birthday but that's not an important thing for me.

Lost my mum yesterday, great old age of 98, still wasn't long enough

My brother is rarely in England, but I like to see him when he is, if possible. There was a period of time when I would hear that he had visited our Niece (who lives a few streets away) and our Aunty (who lived a few streets away in the other direction). He virtually had to pass my road going from one to the other.

I sent him an email "Dear A, This is your sister. I am the one who lives half way between S and Aunty B. It would be nice to see you some time when you are in town." He got the message - without taking offence.

Around 5 years ago, I decided to stop ‘chasing’ people: that means not messaging them/asking how they are (etc) when I’ve not heard from them.
There are many that I haven’t heard from since. They were obviously not real friends!

I’ve done the same with my family, I keep in touch with those who keep in touch, the others can ‘do one’!

notgran

I would never see this as a problem. If a relative expects to be invited to dinner at my home or at a restaurant, on their once a year visit, I simply would not have a dinner anywhere to invite them to. It would involve me having to do something and I wouldn't do it. If they contacted me to say where/when is it, I would say I haven't arranged anything as I'm so busy with personal stuff. It's not a lie as I can always be busy with personal stuff. Any further questions are just stopped as I don't want to discuss it, all of which is true. The person you describe does not contact you any other time so that should solve it.

I agree with this.

Goodafternoontea you say you're fed up with her attitude, implying you don't like receiving a text.

People choose their priorities and you can choose not to prioritise the people who treat you as an occasional option in their busy busy lives.
I notice some retired or older people just get more and more self-absorbed. It's always about them, their needs, their agenda. It's disappointing especially if they used to be more considerate of your needs and there was more give and take. You say she has always been like this. I would trust your instinct to not bother with the invitations any more.

My dear child is obviously too busy to write Mum on my birthday card envelope, just puts the three initials of my name. The same amount of letters that spell Mum! Been like this for years🤷‍♀️

WelshPoppy

Lots of people, me included, often write a WhatsApp message for a birthday rather than write a card. Only immediate family get cards. If you can't be bothered meeting up once a year they're probably better off without having to bother with you.

And where in my original post do I say I have a problem with her sending a text? Nowhere! Do please read the post properly if you are going to make a dismissive, hostile comment. Do I care whether she will be better off without having to bother with me? Not in the slightest. In fact I just want her to leave me alone. Hence....not bovered!

Agree. That’s what I’m doing. Bought perfume this week. Online. Hope I like it! 😂

Understand. We all go through it unless we make all the effort to go to them.
I’ve been very poorly too. Cancer and other things that put me in hospital
So I don’t bother now!