Moving closer to adult children- hard decisions

Thanks for this post. My heart goes out to you, I wanted to move 6 years ago to be nearer my DD and GC who live a good 5 hour journey each way!
My husband didn’t want to move and now he has a rare muscle wasting disease. I am mixed now about moving as when I hear and see issues and expectations from parents and AC it can lead to tensions! It’s much harder in your mid 70’s to meet new people.
On many levels I’m alright about not moving at this point and Que Sera, Sera!
Good luck and go gently with yourself.

I think you'd need to discuss buying a second home with your FA first because of the tax implications.
I think as others have suggested use your savings to rent an Airbnb or a hotel to have extended visits with your DC.

Moving is very stressful in my experience so it wouldn't be my choice to do that.
I think if you have savings it would be nice to stay in an airB&B or similar for a week or so a few times a year nearer to your children. That would give you all some quality time together without all the upheaval of moving?

karmalady

Ophelia, your DH needs you 100% right now, please put away the thought of moving and enjoy every minute with DH, Reassure him that thoughts of moving are out of your mind and let his mind be at peace

I moved by myself at age 70 packed and organised everything by myself and would move again in future, next time with more help as befits my age when that happens, 77 now. It can be done by yourself but don`t make any big decisions nor be in a hurry

Good advice from karmalady

Stay where you are. Being near grandchildren is full of health hazards when you are elderly.

I'd do it. Time with family is precious, and time isn't promised to anyone.

the stress of moving house could accelerate things for your husband with all the stress. instead of another home is there a static caravan park or chalets nearby? there are a lot near us it does not need to be at the seaside for them! they are reasonably cheap especially if you buy second hand then you can stop now and again to enjoy family time as your husband feels well enough too. most let people stay 11 months of the year so often people move into them permanently and use the month of the year they have to be out for a holiday. if you bought one you may feel when you sadly have to be alone it might be an idea to move into it full time then sell your house. you could have a lot of savings then and in that month go all the holiday places you wish!!

madeleine45 Perfect

I'm sorry about your husband's health, how hard it must be for you.
Please, before you consider this move, speak to your adult children first if you haven't already.
Just because you move closer, it doesn't mean the level of contact will increase - they may be happy with the level of contact that you have now and it would be a shame to move them find you don't get the connection you're hoping for, because you didn't consult whether more contact would work for them.

Personally I think you are right to look at moving closer while your husband is alive and I am sure that he would value knowing that you were happy and settled before he bows out. Oh and yes I have had a cancer diagnosis with a 15% chance of surviving. However, I would want to die knowing my husband was settled.
Just do what is best for you.

karmalady

Ophelia, your DH needs you 100% right now, please put away the thought of moving and enjoy every minute with DH, Reassure him that thoughts of moving are out of your mind and let his mind be at peace

I moved by myself at age 70 packed and organised everything by myself and would move again in future, next time with more help as befits my age when that happens, 77 now. It can be done by yourself but don`t make any big decisions nor be in a hurry

I agree entirely. It is difficult to think straight when your husband has been diagnosed with cancer and you know well that the time you and he have together is running out.

I have been through this particular mill and am now slowly coming to terms with widowhood.

People keep asking me if I intend to sell this house.

No, I do not. It is still OUR house to me, and if I move now it would make me feel that my husband was even farther away.

One day, I will probably want to sell up, as this house and garden will most likely become too much for me, but I shall cross the bridge when I come to it.

Your husband does not want to move - give him this last big present that consists in letting him stay as long as possible in the place he likes and means a lot to him.

When the inevitable happens, you will have the rest of your life to live. It is not an easy transition to make, but believe me, it is easier if you do not have anything serious to reproach yourself about.

And honestly the distance and the time it takes to go and visit your children and return home is not very great, is it?

I'm disagreeing with the majority of comments on this thread since from vast experience as a bereavement therapist in a hospice I can say without hesitation that the person left behind needs a strong supportive network and that will only be available to OpheliaK if she moves now and not in however many years' time she is widowed. I note that she has moved house to be closer to her husband's work, so she has already made a sacrifice for much of her life. Her husband doesn't even believe he's dying. People live with cancer for many years. Is she expected to simply wait it out - experiencing anticipatory grief as well as missing the contact with her young grandchild? People can have cancer and still be selfish. If her husband doesn't think he's dying, his arguments for not moving can't centre around care issues - just saying ...

I personally wouldn't stay where I am, visit make a weekend out if it and stay in a hotel or b and b, that way you can have a break and also spend time with you family without relying on them,
Then in time your children can help look for somewhere to live for you.
I visit my family but like to stay in a hotel and visit,
If

I work out how much once a month is
and how much longer on earth we have even living to 100 it suits me

Maybe you both can do 'some of the things you planned' now while your husband still can? When hes feeling up to it perhaps? And when you eventually move even if alone, i am sure your AC would rally to help you wouldnt they? I have been over 1- 2 hours away from my older children/grandchildren for many years now.My visits/stays with them are priceless.Try put yourself in your husbands shoes right now though- i am thinking that all he is facing terrifies him- and if you can give him peace of mind for now it will be priceless too.Perhaps you can get your AC to come visit you both more often with the GC, so you feel more supported,and your husband can spend some time with them whilst he can?

Or maybe you can visit them sometimes and one of them can take you to different areas to check what might be available movewise while your husband spends time with your GC, or if he is up to it can browse with you and yes,as pointed out he may fall for a place& want to move.But you need to have a full & frank chat with him about what exactly hes objecting to- is it the unknown of different medical teams/hospitals etc, or does he feel he wont be up to it? Etc etc.Try to allay his fears, and reveal to him a few of yours.And maybe you'll both reach more understanding of each others situation, fears, and expectations.You may reach a breakthrough,or some kind of compromise? What do your AC think? Their thoughts should count too.

Good luck

I would put my husband first, he doesn't the stress if a move he has said so.
When you are on your own there's nothing to stop you moving. It happens to many of us. When I move I will be in my eighties. I am not superwoman, Iworry about things but somehow all gets done. Enjoy your time with dh or you will regret it.

Well said

Lots of 2 week holidays near to your AC,s assuming that your husband is well enough and between Hospital appointments.

That way you can get some much needed support and your husband can continue his care with Doctors that he knows.

He might even come around to wanting to move.

Allsorts

I would put my husband first, he doesn't the stress if a move he has said so.
When you are on your own there's nothing to stop you moving. It happens to many of us. When I move I will be in my eighties. I am not superwoman, Iworry about things but somehow all gets done. Enjoy your time with dh or you will regret it.

OP has spent decades living where her husband wanted to be. Wouldn't it be lovely if he put her first for once.

It's fine moving alone, it's fine moving when older but OP wants to move now and have time with DC and DGC. She can't get this time back

GoldenAge

I'm disagreeing with the majority of comments on this thread since from vast experience as a bereavement therapist in a hospice I can say without hesitation that the person left behind needs a strong supportive network and that will only be available to OpheliaK if she moves now and not in however many years' time she is widowed. I note that she has moved house to be closer to her husband's work, so she has already made a sacrifice for much of her life. Her husband doesn't even believe he's dying. People live with cancer for many years. Is she expected to simply wait it out - experiencing anticipatory grief as well as missing the contact with her young grandchild? People can have cancer and still be selfish. If her husband doesn't think he's dying, his arguments for not moving can't centre around care issues - just saying ...

But doesn't she say she is happy enough in her present location?
Perhaps she has that network there. Who knows if a busy family will provide the supportive network?

Best of luck OP and Kind Regards.

Thank goodness we bit the bullet and have just moved. DD and I had been discussing the issue for some years. Having an unmarried daughter, who wants to stay that way, I didn't want anyone thinking we were doing the traditional thing and expecting the unmarried daughter to look after the aged parents, with the son uninvolved.. But she was insistent that that was the way she wanted it. DS is married with a family, and was very happy for us to move near him, but where he lives is too far from other family and friends.

Well, we moved in July. DH's health has not been good and yesterday he was admitted to hospital. Today we were due to have five different tradesmen visit us (their announed dates, not our choice.

The three of us immediately reached the conclusion that I would stay home and deal with all the workmen as it is impossible to cancel all 5 with such short notice. DD is working from home today and spoke to her employer, who like most employers, is very understanding when immediate family have crisis and if DH is discharged she will collect him, visit if a visit is required and I will visit him as soon as the last tradesman has gone.

Not only that, but the new local hospital is closer, easier to get to, easier to park at and, based on yesterday' time spent there, better organised and better run than the hospital we had to deal with in our previous location.

I agree with StripeyGran.

Who's to know grown children may not move away for all kinds of reasons, too?
They would be left in a place where they know no-one else, having to negotiate new doctors, dentist, hospitals, and find new friends.

We can't rely on our children for our wellbeing and happiness, it's not fair on them.

theworriedwell

Allsorts

I would put my husband first, he doesn't the stress if a move he has said so.
When you are on your own there's nothing to stop you moving. It happens to many of us. When I move I will be in my eighties. I am not superwoman, Iworry about things but somehow all gets done. Enjoy your time with dh or you will regret it.

OP has spent decades living where her husband wanted to be. Wouldn't it be lovely if he put her first for once.

It's fine moving alone, it's fine moving when older but OP wants to move now and have time with DC and DGC. She can't get this time back

OP has spent decades living where her husband wanted to be. Wouldn't it be lovely if he put her first for once.

Surely Ophelia must have made a life there too? The children would have go to school there, probably she had a job and they must have had a social network too?

Going back to where you grew up is not always a good idea.

I do hope the treatment continues to work, Ophelia and who knows what advances are being made in treatments.

Sadly I have found " going back " is not a good thing.