Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/1339118-Did-your-parents-influence-you-in-any-ways-you-regret

In this thread, many posters regret not following their own heart and letting their parents others make important decisions for them

Let this thread not be another example how to prioritize the wrong people in a birthing event

Callistemon213

Dickens

I think if I'd given birth one day and was pitchforked out of hospital the next - I'd also want time to myself without anyone calling round, family or friends.

I spent 7 days in hospital after giving birth and was able to get used to feeding, changing and generally getting the hang of things. And by the end of the week, I was happy enough to have visitors.

Because I'd had that precious time to myself.

I chose to be pitchforked out the next day but thank goodness my DP were at home, cooking my dinner, cleaning my house, doing the garden. All I had to do was concentrate on the baby.
With No. 2 it was 7 days in a maternity home (wonderful), DH had to work and DP were there again to look after DC1 and keep everything sorted out at home.
DC3? No help as DP were ill, MIL too far away and no help.
It was very difficult.

I appreciate the point you are illustrating. Having a loving and understanding family around leaving you free to concentrate on your newborn is lovely. I'm not knocking it.

My point was badly made. It was intended to point out that sometimes, new mothers (and fathers) might feel overwhelmed and need some space. They may also have other reasons for wanting to be alone for a period of time - a reason, or reasons which they don't feel like sharing.

As for the OP, I agree with some other posters that the very limited information the GPs have been given seems a little stark and curt, and it's not the way I would've communicated with my family, but we know nothing about the family dynamics, nor the new parents.

We can all relate our experiences, how we were grateful for family being around, but the point is surely, that we are all different, what works for me might not work for another. We shouldn't be pressurising the current generation of parents to behave in the same way that we did. Every generation does life differently to the previous generation. Many of my mother's generation would have winced at the prospect of fathers being present at the birth of their child for example, but now it's the norm. Times change, and they will continue to change. Bonding - which some posters think is pretentious piffle, might also become the new norm, who knows.

The decisions new parents make are theirs, and whether we approve or not, I think they should be respected because it is their child, their family, their life, and they are not compelled to do things the way we did them in the same way that we were not compelled to do things the way our parents did them.

Now that fathers have paternity leave, maybe we should understand that this time as new parents alone with their new baby is precious to them and should respect the boundaries they've erected in order to protect it?

That's the point isn't it? Respecting the feelings of the new parents and allowing their feelings to take priority because they are the ones with a new baby in their own home

Feverjo the village in other cultures has not dissapeared, my friends could tell you that.
Also I do not take my hats of to young Father's helping, it is his child as well, to be expected not admired.
I know things change over time and I respect that, but not to the exclusion of good manners and respect for your family. Yes lock yourself away to bond for two weeks, but take the time to send a couple of texts, one to say you are getting on OK, and a photo of the baby, with a reminder not to post on social media.
Like I said upthread I don't know of any new Mothers who behave like this.
I am glad my adult son and daughter are not ignorant and were bought up to show consideration for other people's feelings. As far as I am concerned they can lock themselves away to bond, I don't care, but remember the feelings of other people.

*cocopops8 you sound quite gleeful that their careful plan didn't work..why would you be almost pleased the poor new mum was exhausted and needing your help.Surely they were disapointed it didn,t go how they wanted thats a shame .

eazybee

Apparently Cookieof4has responded since, but I must have missed it; can anyone enlighten me? Thankyou.

If only all the OP's posts were highlighted as they are on MN!

Re your post on Thursday at 20.35 Cookieof4 I hope that by now you've been sent a photo and have been told the name of your GC.

Plenty of pics will have been taken I'm sure and it would take no time at all to send you one .

Thank goodness you arrived when you did CocoPops.

Apparently Cookieof4has responded since, but I must have missed it; can anyone enlighten me? Thankyou.

When OP posted it was day 4, they had 2 days in hospital which for me says it wasn't a straightforward birth and could of ended in C-section, with all 3 of mine I was out within hours, it was rough.
Maybe they've had a shock to the system, hormonal drops, 2 days on a maternity ward maybe she's been asleep for 2 days!

I'm just saying they will have their reasons for doing this and it's not to be difficult.

I was given strict instructions from my pregnant daughter not to land up until baby was 2 weeks old because they "needed to bond". "Well", said I."Won't you need some help with meals, walking the dog etc?" "No" they said. I was living in the UK. Daughter and S-i-L in Canada. We discussed flights and it was agreed that I'd book a flight for 2 weeks after the expected date of baby's arrival. Sometimes things don't go to plan!!..... I arrived and sent S-i-L a text from the airport "Just landed". He replied, "We're at the hospital. Can you get a cab?" I got to their house and they arrived several hours later looking absolutely shattered. My daughter collapsed on the sofa with the new baby and recounted all the details of the birth at length! I spent the next 2 weeks, grocery shopping, cooking, doing the laundry and walking the dog. I comforted the baby at night, changed the diaper etc. when the new parents were clearly exhausted.
When next baby arrived the parents there was no mention of bonding and it was taken for granted I'd be "on duty" again! Funny that.

rafichagran

I pressed to early, in my friend's culture they say it takes a village to raise a child. Most people are grateful for help, and are pleased to show their baby.

It's okay that not everyone feels the same. Diversity of opinions, life experiences, needs, wants, and cultures is a beautiful thing.

I tip my hats off to the young fathers of today who are so hands on that the need for a so-called village has decreased.

The world would be a better place if we stopped framing all differences and changes as negative things.

maddyone

When my daughter came home with her newborn twins, prematurely born six weeks early, we were there every day at her request. She pumped so the babies could be fed together, and so we were feeding, changing, bathing, cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking meals. Everything. And my parents came down to see them when they were a couple of months old, and my in laws came down when they were five months old. Of course they just cuddling as they were great grandparents, but it’s what family does.

It's what your family did. Others are allowed to do what they want. Your way is not better. It's just different. We don't all have to want the same things. Our needs are not all the same. None of our lives are blueprints for each other. None of our experiences invalidate anyone else's. Your experiences don't make this young mum 'pretentious'. Using your own experiences to criticise someone else's is a really narrow-minded way to go through life.

MissAdventure

I still fail to see how letting close family know a couple of details about a new baby hinder the bonding process.

As for these mothers/mother in laws who would totally ignore the parents wishes, and snatch the baby, or immediately post a photo as soon as they got it - well, it sounds as if there are much deeper issues, which should have been sorted a while ago.

Assuming that's not the case, then why on earth would someone deliberately do that?

The daughter isn't here to confirm your assumption that it's merely about "bonding". She could very easily simply not want certain relatives plastering the pictures and details all over social media. The daughter could simply not want people in her space 2 days fresh out of the hospital after birth. For all we know, she could be annoyed that people are repeatedly calling and interrupting her short windows of rest all day. Lot's of unknown.

Regardless of what you think should be sorted, having a baby doesn't give anyone less of a right to do what's best for their own little family during their postpartum period. Those deeper issues you allude to rear their ugly heads even more with new baby arrivals, making those baby snatchers the last people to invite into your space. (Again, I am not accusing the OP specifically of such behaviour)

GrannyRose15

There was a post on Mumsnet recently where an OP was complaining bitterly that her MIL had arranged to go on holiday over the time the her baby was expected. Honestly Grans can’t win.

My in-laws went on a river cruise when my dd was due , but it was a 40 th wedding anniversary. I wasn’t bothered

I am happy that I had 7 days in a Swedish hospital with no visitors allowed apart from my husband.

Our first baby was very prem and then went blind, not exactly a normal situation. So when the second one was born full term everyone went bonkers as they were so pleased for us. It was well-meant but we were inundated and exhausted. We took off after ten days, bundling new baby and blind toddler into a car full of stuff and spent two weeks in a rural guest house. Bliss.

As you say.
It's your guess.

MissAdventure

I still fail to see how letting close family know a couple of details about a new baby hinder the bonding process.

As for these mothers/mother in laws who would totally ignore the parents wishes, and snatch the baby, or immediately post a photo as soon as they got it - well, it sounds as if there are much deeper issues, which should have been sorted a while ago.

Assuming that's not the case, then why on earth would someone deliberately do that?

Because it’s not deliberate and there is much much more to the story and more background that OP did not share. My guess is there HAS been a violation in boundaries prior …

I still fail to see how letting close family know a couple of details about a new baby hinder the bonding process.

As for these mothers/mother in laws who would totally ignore the parents wishes, and snatch the baby, or immediately post a photo as soon as they got it - well, it sounds as if there are much deeper issues, which should have been sorted a while ago.

Assuming that's not the case, then why on earth would someone deliberately do that?

Dickens

I think if I'd given birth one day and was pitchforked out of hospital the next - I'd also want time to myself without anyone calling round, family or friends.

I spent 7 days in hospital after giving birth and was able to get used to feeding, changing and generally getting the hang of things. And by the end of the week, I was happy enough to have visitors.

Because I'd had that precious time to myself.

I chose to be pitchforked out the next day but thank goodness my DP were at home, cooking my dinner, cleaning my house, doing the garden. All I had to do was concentrate on the baby.
With No. 2 it was 7 days in a maternity home (wonderful), DH had to work and DP were there again to look after DC1 and keep everything sorted out at home.
DC3? No help as DP were ill, MIL too far away and no help.
It was very difficult.

I pressed to early, in my friend's culture they say it takes a village to raise a child. Most people are grateful for help, and are pleased to show their baby.

I honestly know no one who behaves like the OP daughter, I think it a fashionable thing amongst some people.
I have to say when people refer to bonding and my little family I cringe.

I think if I'd given birth one day and was pitchforked out of hospital the next - I'd also want time to myself without anyone calling round, family or friends.

I spent 7 days in hospital after giving birth and was able to get used to feeding, changing and generally getting the hang of things. And by the end of the week, I was happy enough to have visitors.

Because I'd had that precious time to myself.

annsixty

And respect for the parents who started it all in the first place.

What does respect look like to you in this circumstance?

New mum not wanting have visitors but doing it to please others?

Why is respecting the older generation at the expense of her needs/wants more important?

OP I’m sorry you are hurting, but the best thing you can do is wait it out. Hopefully they will explain their reasoning to you at a later time. I wouldn’t be so spiteful as some have suggested and refuse to babysit as some have suggested. Don’t hold out hope expecting to be asked for help either as others have suggested. They may want help, but they may want to be more self sufficient.

I wish you luck