Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

Callistemon213

Honestly, you wouldn't think that Gransnetters are, in the main, mothers, grandmothers , great- grandmothers 😁

Agreed! Can't believe the vitriol some women spew toward younger women for daring to do what's best for themselves in their own postpartum periods. You really would hope such matriarchs would grasp the concept of other women having the freedom to make their own choices about their own postpartum periods, but alas it's too difficult for many.

Honestly, you wouldn't think that Gransnetters are, in the main, mothers, grandmothers , great- grandmothers 😁

newnanny

Gone are the days of new parents inviting their Mum to stay for 1 or 2 weeks after a new baby was born.

Yes. The days of fathers taking a week or two off from work to care for their families after a birth are here. It's a good thing!

Samlewis96

Debbi58

Sounds like they need some time to bound and get into a routine. I wouldn't worry too much , it's early days. They will get in touch when they're ready

Doesn't mean they can't send a pic and tell the GP the child's name. That's just bloody rude.

It's only rude to those who cannot see that their desire for pictures and texts shouldn't be a couple's priority after a birth. It's bloody rude to to think a freshly postpartum woman owes communications as she's adjusting physically and emotionally to this life-changing event.

Gone are the days of new parents inviting their Mum to stay for 1 or 2 weeks after a new baby was born.

Debbi58

Sounds like they need some time to bound and get into a routine. I wouldn't worry too much , it's early days. They will get in touch when they're ready

Doesn't mean they can't send a pic and tell the GP the child's name. That's just bloody rude.

Smileless2012

A photo and knowing the name that's been chosen shouldn't be too much to ask.

Unfortunately, we don't know how the young parents feel about what their family or friends post regarding photos so there isn't enough information to say what is and isn't too much to ask. We'd need insight before presuming.

Also, it was a whopping 2 days after the birth that this post went up. It hasn't been long enough for the outsized responses here criticising this young couple.

Callistemon213

You know as much as I do.

And do stop it please with your assumption and innuendo.
Why not RTFT?

Exactly, except only one of us is calling a total stranger about whom we know nothing 'rude' for not prioritising pictures and text messages after having been discharged from the hospital for two days. Given the limited information, decency dictates we err on the side of not assuming the worst of a young woman who has just given birth.

They could say no name chosen. We chose youngest son's name but had to change it because my s.i.l. had her son a week before he was born and gave him the same name.

Perhaps they can't decide on a name.

DC1 didn't look at all like the name we'd chosen but I did decide (quite emphatically!) what her name should be two minutes after delivery.

As for DC3, we had two very opinionated small children vetoeing every name I chose 😁

A photo and knowing the name that's been chosen shouldn't be too much to ask.

I understand they want some time just the 3 of them, but then they could've sent you one tiny picture and an invitation for x day. Or they could've to.d you before the birth they were not going to communicate at all the first ?? days. Your daughter and her partner are very rude. So no YANBU feeling hurt

You know as much as I do.

And do stop it please with your assumption and innuendo.
Why not RTFT?

Callistemon213

Feverjo

Callistemon213

I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space

So what would happen in hospital?

Be shown how to bath baby, change baby, feed baby, baby put in crib or taken to nursery by nurse or midwife.
Meals brought by smiling domestic staff, cleared away.
Water jug filled.
Helped to go for a bath.

Grandmothers are, by default, mothers, and most would do this plus the washing, cleaning etc. because they know what it is like.

But if that's not what the new little family wants or needs then that's okay too. Fathers are now more involved. This is not a bad thing. Some new families would like to experience the first few days finding their own path. As grandmothers, we know what our own experiences were like but it doesn't mean our children must experience things the same way we did.

I'm not saying thst's what should happen necessarily.

A nicer message would be better, not just a terse announcement by text, especially as DM was so involved and needed just before the birth.
It's just plain rude and thoughtless.

I expect she's worrying there is something wrong.

You cannot possibly know what that young woman who had just given birth was feeling or going through when those text messages. You are assuming her tone and her intent with a second-hand account of her messages, lead by the feelings alone of the recipient. We have zero details, so to cast judgements such as the message could have been 'nicer' or that it was 'rude' is inappropriate. It's also worth noting that the OP is neither titled concerning the daughter, nor was the post about her worrying about the daughter. She as upset at the few birth details. You are going out of your way to assume the worst with the least amount of details possible. That's not a reflection of the daughter in this scenario, but rather yourselves who are criticising her.

rafichagran

Feverjo the village in other cultures has not dissapeared, my friends could tell you that.
Also I do not take my hats of to young Father's helping, it is his child as well, to be expected not admired.
I know things change over time and I respect that, but not to the exclusion of good manners and respect for your family. Yes lock yourself away to bond for two weeks, but take the time to send a couple of texts, one to say you are getting on OK, and a photo of the baby, with a reminder not to post on social media.
Like I said upthread I don't know of any new Mothers who behave like this.
I am glad my adult son and daughter are not ignorant and were bought up to show consideration for other people's feelings. As far as I am concerned they can lock themselves away to bond, I don't care, but remember the feelings of other people.

Take your hat off to them or don't, how we feel about what young fathers do today is irrelevant. The fact is that they are there and their presence is more important than that of the "village", whether culture subscribes to that notion or not. The young couple decides their own individual needs, not the "village" or Gransnet. No one's judgement of someone else's needs matter.

Good manners means not presuming the wants and desires of the grandparents are equal to what the young family needs in the postpartum period. Their needs take precedence over any pictures or details wanted by anyone else. It takes a great deal of self-involvement to think a young postpartum mother is being rude by not doing what others want her to do. I don't even understand the mentality of anyone who thinks a freshly postpartum woman needs to focus on sending pictures and texts while she's just been discharged from the hospital.

Feverjo

Callistemon213

I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space

So what would happen in hospital?

Be shown how to bath baby, change baby, feed baby, baby put in crib or taken to nursery by nurse or midwife.
Meals brought by smiling domestic staff, cleared away.
Water jug filled.
Helped to go for a bath.

Grandmothers are, by default, mothers, and most would do this plus the washing, cleaning etc. because they know what it is like.

But if that's not what the new little family wants or needs then that's okay too. Fathers are now more involved. This is not a bad thing. Some new families would like to experience the first few days finding their own path. As grandmothers, we know what our own experiences were like but it doesn't mean our children must experience things the same way we did.

I'm not saying thst's what should happen necessarily.

A nicer message would be better, not just a terse announcement by text, especially as DM was so involved and needed just before the birth.
It's just plain rude and thoughtless.

I expect she's worrying there is something wrong.

Sarahr

This seems to be a new fad of the generation. I waited for the phone call to say they were at the hospital. I phoned the hospital to find out how my daughter was doing as she was booked in to be induced, to be told they had nobody of that name on maternity. Yes, I did message over the next few days, but never got a reply. I never got the phone call, I eventually found out that my Grandson had been born, but still no contact from dd or sil. Yes, I finally got yhe message that they had cut me out of their lives. I have never seen Grandson and I believe I have another Grandchild, as a neighbour found a Facebook post with my dd heavily pregnant at a recent event. All I can do is make cards and small age related gifts for my grandchildren to be given to them, either on my demise, or if they ever want to find me.

I am sorry that was your experience. However, it does not mean this is anywhere close to what is happening with the OP. The vast majority of the time when the couple needs a few days to themselves after the birth, it's really just that. The OP herself commented that she was very much involved just the week prior. Again, sorry this was your experience.

Callistemon213

^I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space^

So what would happen in hospital?

Be shown how to bath baby, change baby, feed baby, baby put in crib or taken to nursery by nurse or midwife.
Meals brought by smiling domestic staff, cleared away.
Water jug filled.
Helped to go for a bath.

Grandmothers are, by default, mothers, and most would do this plus the washing, cleaning etc. because they know what it is like.

But if that's not what the new little family wants or needs then that's okay too. Fathers are now more involved. This is not a bad thing. Some new families would like to experience the first few days finding their own path. As grandmothers, we know what our own experiences were like but it doesn't mean our children must experience things the same way we did.

I hope so too Norah
It's an anxious time when your adult children ard giving birth.
❤️

annsixty

Because I contributed to this thread I have kept an eye on it.
I can’t believe it has gone on for so long.
Views are entrenched, no one’s opinion is going to change.
The D is right/ she is wrong, the mother is right/ she is wrong.
I hope the situation is resolved by now by either the D getting in touch or the OP accepting the status quo.

I agree.

I think many women expect to have their husband at home with them on Maternity leave now - they don't need "help" from anyone else.

My mum was busy with her own young family (I'm one of a large number). I was quite content taking care of my babies with my husband off at work, I knew we needed money for food. I needed no "help".

Everyone is different - perhaps OP has heard the name and seen a picture now OR is calming herself? I surely hope so!

paddyann54

Everyone obviously thinks differently.I never told my mother when I was pregnant until I had. toI didn’t,t tell her when I was in Labour ever until the baby was safely born My mother much asI loved her was hard work ,she was horrified that I went back to work after 8 days but she would never have offered to babysit she” had brought up her children it was up to us to bring up ours” She made it all about her I see a similar attitude from some on here .Step back please don’t just turn up at their door that’s a guarantee to losing their trust As ADULTS you have to give them the respect you seem to expect from them.They will contact you in their own time

I did exactly this too.

My reasons were different though. I saw birth as a natural process that my young and healthy body would cope with. My parents were truly loving and caring to the point of being overwhelmingly loving and giving and we wanted to take this step into parenthood entirely on our own.

We didn't tell anyone I was pregnant till nearly 6 months when it was becoming clear I'd not just been overeating!

I was in the middle of my finals at university and didn't want any fuss. It's stressful enough wondering if I'd be able to complete without carrying everyone else's hopes and fears.

They were terrific grandparents by the way. And dearly loved.

Because I contributed to this thread I have kept an eye on it.
I can’t believe it has gone on for so long.
Views are entrenched, no one’s opinion is going to change.
The D is right/ she is wrong, the mother is right/ she is wrong.
I hope the situation is resolved by now by either the D getting in touch or the OP accepting the status quo.

paddyann54

*cocopops8 you sound quite gleeful that their careful plan didn't work..why would you be almost pleased the poor new mum was exhausted and needing your help.Surely they were disapointed it didn,t go how they wanted thats a shame .

No she doesn’t, that’s your rather unkind interpretation of her post.
She points out that all does not always go to plan with births, and she’s right, because it doesn’t. She also sounds as if she was pleased to be there because of the much needed help she was able to give to her daughter at an important time in her daughter’s life.
Well done cocopops, thank goodness you were there to help.

I find this very sad. Is your relationship with your daughter a good one?

When my oldest grandchild was born my daughter asked me to go and stay for a few days.
I booked into a B&B and went around in the morning, did what needed doing, drove my daughter anywhere she needed to go, and walked for miles with the baby so that she could sleep.
I left as soon as my son in law got home.
I was very aware of being in the way, and decided he was more than capable of cooking a meal, and helping with the baby