Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

I personally don’t see it as rude or selfish.

I understand why you are feeling hurt and upset and like it’s against you, but it isn’t against you.

They’ve just given birth and you don’t know how traumatic it might have been, how healthy your granddaughter is (they say she’s healthy but it might not be the full story), she may have jaundice and been kept under observation, have Down syndrome and they’re coming to terms with it… or the mother may have had to stay in hospital longer. They have just got home and may be trying to establish feeding, and she will be recovering and working out how to do life with the three of them… hopefully getting some sleep in too, before he goes back to work.

They will be focusing on this extraordinary life change right now and trying to handle that right now is priority over keeping people up to date and people seeing a new baby.

They have sent quick texts to many people I’m sure whilst in the middle of everything.
They also may not have decided on a name yet…

I would give it a few days and then I’d text saying “I hope you are all doing well, sending lots of love to you all and if you need anything we’re here to help. home cooked meals or doing the laundry while you spend time together as a family. We’re looking forward to meeting her when you’re feeling up to it and ready xxxx”

Then I would wait.

You’ve been messaging and calling with no answer and your post doesn’t seem to be centered around how your daughter is doing or if she needs any help. More that you want want to see the baby.
It makes sense as to why they are wanting time as a family unit before others take over and take the baby as soon as they walk through the door.

Four days is also no time, especially when they’ve just got home from hospital two days ago.

My friend’s daughter gave birth and after a week of the baby being born, her mother in law came to visit and immediately took the baby, berated her for breastfeeding, got them to pose for photos and wouldn’t give the baby back.
I see it all over Mumsnet that’s so many of the younger generation find that us grandparents overstep the boundaries and make it about ourselves instead of being patient and knowing how best to care for them in this moment.

This isn’t a new fad, or in the modern parenting books/online articles.
For years and years we’ve all had different advice and different ways to raise our children and each family is different in their way of doing it, which is perfectly their right.
People saying it’s a new fad is once again the reason why some of our children are putting in boundaries…. because we aren’t respecting the way they are deciding to do things and aren’t taking the time to look up this way of parenting and meet them where they are.

Also hearing the “just wait until you’re called to help them when they can’t sleep or need a babysitter” is crazy talk.
You have boundaries and you can say no if you feel you’re being taken for granted, but so many of us grandparents on here don’t want to say no or feel like they can’t, and then they moan about “having” to do it.
Then if our children don’t use us as babysitters/childcare we become disgruntled.
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

If you want a good relationship with your daughter and husband then I would suggest giving them space and caring for them in other ways that isn’t baby centred, and then the time will come when you see your granddaughter and your relationship with them will still be in tact.

Communication is everything as far as good relationships and maturity go and I think honesty is essential for those.
My son who I mention on these forums quite a lot has at least been painfully honest at times.

He has been low contact or no contact (it varies) but he is always honest even if it hurts me, I respect him for being open and I always listen. We sometimes have to agree to disagree. He has not called me abusive, because I'm not, but at times he has been abusive to me. I wouldn't sink to that level because I don't think tit for tat is productive or fair.

Yes OnwardandUpward, I think you’re right. If the parents are being dropped, then at least they should be told. I’m not convinced that is the case here though, because mother and daughter were together preparing for the new baby only the week before. I hope the situation has been resolved now though.

Abuse as a reason to drop contact with family!!! What on earth has that to do with this thread Purplegran?

Actually a card is a nice idea, if you've not already sent one. Everyone treasures a beautiful card for their new baby.
But if they don't respond after that then you have to accept they would be in contact if they wanted to.

For those who support cutting off a parent in this instance, I'm not saying there aren't reasons to stop company , but it's incredibly cruel and cowardly to ghost someone when a baby is born. The parents could have written a letter beforehand or spoken, explaining their reasons why they didn't want contact.

I do think it's cruel to let a parent look forward to the birth of a child and then to ghost them. It would be far more mature to have a conversation beforehand. Even if the parents felt their parents were abusive they should be told honestly rather than ghosted. As my Parents used to say to me "Two wrong's don't make a right".

This doesn't make you superior, it just makes you sink to the level of abusive as well.

Ali08

I'd pop a note through their door asking them to contact you one way or another or you'll be thinking they are not alright!!
It's one thing to want to spend time alone with their baby at first, but it's quite another to suddenly drop contact with family and close friends!!
OR, you could ask police to do a wellness check on them, just to let them know you're concerned!

There are many valid reasons to drop contact with family actually, it’s called abuse. And secondly, calling the police for a wellness check is very inappropriate

It would. In true GN style I predict she's either loved up with the new baby or too miserable to converse. Hopefully the first.

I hope so Onward, it would be good to know that all's well.

I suppose we just have to assume that OP is enjoying the baby so much that she forgot to come back and say so.

VioletSky

I think OPs situation has probably resolved one way or another by now and everything is probably ok

Certainly hope so, for all concerned. But how frustrating that posters do not return, not necessarily with a full, detailed response, but just a simple 'thanks, all OK now'.

This ‘debate’ is continuing, and many theories seem to have appeared. I am thinking back to my children being born, and how I would have loved some time without the Bodach’s mother! As it was, we had to firmly spell it out that we did not want it to be open house to her friends, as she seemed to be planning for them to visit, then she would have gone back to visiting us solely to have photographs taken to show to these friends!
I say this because I know that, if asked, she would have said that she and I got along very well, and she no doubt saw nothing wrong in her behaviour.
I do hope it has worked out for Cookie, but I would advise that she lets the new family settle down ( and certainly no police or notes implying that she’s concerned!)

I think OPs situation has probably resolved one way or another by now and everything is probably ok

Oh dear. Do not contact the police. It will only lead to bad feeling and could mean they accuse you of stalking.

I'm so sorry there's still no resolution to this painful situation. I think patience is everything.

No do not contact the Police. If OP did that it would be seriously overstepping. It could lead to very bad feeling or eatrangement.
I am sure the OP does not want that.

Thinking aloud, could another reason be that there is 'something' about the baby that is causing parents to have to adjust. A friend has a baby with a cleft palate and they kept it quiet for ages. And my cousin had a Down's baby, and again, they waited a long time- as they needed time.

Smileless2012

Contacting the police I agree would be dramatic, but nothing dramatic about leaving a note.

I agree with Smileless, contacting police would be dramatic. A note could be acceptable, however, OP does know baby arrived and (someone) is doing well.

I'd be inclined to assume all was well for a month, let baby bond, new parents have time alone until the end of mat leave.

While I don’t agree that a note is stalking, a note stating “to contact you one way or another or you'll be thinking they are not alright!! is manipulative. Personally I’d be inclined to ignore it.

Calling the police is laughable in this situation. Doing so would certainly be controlling.

I do hope OP will come back with some news, and that all is ok.

I made NO accusations at all, none- was just trying to think about any possible reason. And certainly no criticism of either gran or mum, or anyone else.

Contacting the police I agree would be dramatic, but nothing dramatic about leaving a note.

Hithere

If stalking them with a note is bad enough, using the police for these manipulative purposes is time out worthy

Very very bad suggestions

Yes. This is so extreme. Luckily for her daughter, I don't think the OP is irrational enough to go this far. I have faith that most mums wouldn't dream to cause this level of drama.

maddyone

I truly hope that Cookieof4 has managed to see her daughter and meet her new granddaughter by now and is feeling much better. To not be able to see her daughter after such a momentous time as having her first baby will surely be very distressing for her. A mother wants to see that her own baby , her daughter, is okay, because there’s nothing worse for a mother than not really knowing.

I agree.

It has now been 10 days since the birth.

I hope the situation has improved op?

Smileless2012

Contacting the police; a big NO. I agree eazybee that saying leaving a note is stalking is utter rubbish.

I agree

A friendly note saying "Hope all is going well, let us know if you need anything. Hope to see you all soon" would be fine.

Calling the police? I think not!

Contacting the police; a big NO. I agree eazybee that saying leaving a note is stalking is utter rubbish.

'Stalking them with a note?'
What utter rubbish.

Hithere

If stalking them with a note is bad enough, using the police for these manipulative purposes is time out worthy

Very very bad suggestions

Glad I’m not the only one who felt so! Sending the police around? For what ? “My adult child refuses to contact me!” I can’t imagine a faster way for op to find themselves in a very long time out! We’re i the new parents that would war one the displeasure of being the absolute last person to get a photo or visit !