Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

Your daughter just gave birth to a baby and the only thing you care about is seeing the baby? What about your daughter and son in law that just became parents? What about your daughter who physically birthed a baby, who is probably in pain and sleep deprived yet the only thing you care about are YOUR feelings?!? Seems selfish and entitled. Maybe they haven’t tried connecting with you because you haven’t even tried to connect with THEM. Not only was a baby born, but a mother was born, a father was born, and they are navigating these new roles, probably sleep deprived and the only thing you care about are YOUR feelings. Did you offer to help your daughter at all? Did you ask her how SHES doing?
And of course they want to bond with the baby, you and everyone else just want to whisk the baby away from them. She just carried a baby inside of her for 9 months let her enjoy HER baby. Oh, and for everyone else reading this, bonding isn’t a “trend” or a “fad” it’s a necessity for the baby, mom and dad. Latest Research has shown that it’s absolutely necessary for baby to be with mom and dad for first months of life, it’s beneficial for growth and development. Maybe read up on child development and be a little more open minded. Show the new parents some grace and compassion instead of overly criticizing and judging their every decision.

I can understand that the couple want some space and time before people descend upon them. There is so much emphasis on a baby's arrival with all and sundry thinking they have a right to be involved. They have declared what they want to happen, respect them, sure they will respond when they are ready.

Please don’t worry about this - it will be ok soon - in 1972 - I was a bit the same with my first child. I know I upset my mother when she put her hand down to move the blanket to see my daughter’s face- I reacted and asked her not to poke around - I can’t explain it - it was like an animal instinct I think. I think Ma was upset. However, scroll forward a few years and three children later- well, anyone could pick them up- feed them, change them etc etc - very grateful- no worries about anyone helping - wonderful!! Give her time - she’ll soon be asking you to do all sorts of things. Good luck - keep smiling x

They used to come round the ward, take a Polaroid, then you could oder some, and the little frames, that gave the baby's name, weight, and time of birth.

Interesting that some posters report that all is different with a second baby. It's remarkable how ideas change when there is a demanding toddler in the mix, as well as a new-born.
I think this whole idea is ridiculous. My DH would have gone crackers if he couldn't have gone back to work and his mates for a month.

I find it hard to understand, I was very anxious to see my Mum after the birth of all three of our children. My DDs were the same with me. However ,much as I fully understand how much you want to see your DD and your new GD I am afraid you will just have to bide your time. I didn't need time to bond with my babies I had done that throughout my pregnancies! Parents seem very 'precious ' with their babies these days and there is nothing you can do but wait. You are not wrong to feel hurt, not even a photo !?
I am sure all will be well in time , congratulations on the safe arrival of your GD and I am sure you know she is beautiful? 💐

Our granchild - my son's 1st- is due at the end of August, and we've been informed already that the first 2 weeks will be for them only.Lovely in one way for them to have that time to bond as a family, and of course it's their decision. But it's a shame the wider family won't be able to share the joy in those first few days and be called on for any help. That approach seems to be the latest thing coming out of NCT/other ante natal classes. Very different from 'back when'. I've been very positive and 'on message' but said that I'll be on the other end of the phone if they need to ask anything at all. In the meantime, I'll carry on knitting ☺️

I would be upset.

Yes that's odd no photos or phone calls. Re the name we couldn't agree on one for 4 weeks so perhaps they're the same

It’s the not answering phone calls and not sending photos that I think is cruel.
Have your family bonding/ bubble, that’s fine but no communication, isn’t.

They may be worried about the current whooping cough outbreak as 10 little babies have died from it so far. Can't be vaccinated for a few months

That's a lovely memory @SparklyGrandma . You were all so lucky to have that chance.

Even though I didn't meet mine til he was many months old, I know there was a bond forged in the first year and I really miss that bond. Now he's school age I think he will be aware of it too.

Years ago when I gave birth to my DS, we had 7 days in hospital. He was born on a Saturday night, my late MiL drove up from Wales and was at my bedside by 1pm.
She and my DS adored each other.

I think it's a combination of new parents not wanting to be steamrolled by all the "advice", visitors overstaying, and then those family members who take it upon themselves to go to social media and post pictures, names, and details and before the new parents get to choose who to share with. I also think with fathers now getting time off, the new parents want to learn how to navigate the new little family together rather than the mum depending on extended family to help her. I really wouldn't personalize all of it. It's not directed at anyone to hurt.

Modern yes, pretentious yes. It would not bother me though, as I would be in no hurry to babysit or do childcare. Result as far as I am concerned.

a young neighbour had her first baby a few months ago and she did not want any family or friends for the first 2 weeks to visit, she explained that it was because her husband was on paternity leave and they just wanted it to be the three of them for that time. i think one of the differences is that mum's don't spend time in hospital now, this girl went into labour on the monday night and was back home tuesday morning. maybe people should respect that this is the way some parents want to do things and that the parents are not doing it to hurt anyones feelings.

Yes, so I'd have thought it would be OK to tell people a name isn't decided yet.

I thought my grandson was going to be called "that baby" for years.

MissAdventure

How does letting people know the baby's name impact the bonding experience?

Maybe the baby has yet to be named, took us ages.

Yes Feverjo I completely agree.
Why are so many grandparents so judgmental about what their children choose to do?
Give them space.

These days I think fear of germs does play a huge part. Parents might be advised to keep themselves to themselves a bit.

I wouldn't mind not seeing a newborn GC. I didn't have that choice anyway due to their birth overseas and didn't meet them for many months. When I did meet them we bonded , no problem.

I was happy to pass my new babies around as long as I got a chance to feed on demand and get some sleep and nobody interfered. These days I'd be hugely more cautious because of covid and can understand that new parents want a chance to be alone and bond with their baby without worrying about who might accidentally make one or all of them sick. Covid has made people far more anxious and inclined to isolate.

How does letting people know the baby's name impact the bonding experience?

I had no family living close by when I had my children. I would have given anything for some support. Especially as my husband worked away a lot when my first DD was born. I’ve been lucky with my grandchildren. I was there for the birth of all of them except the youngest, who was a lockdown baby. But even then I met him when he was only two or three hours old.

I’m not surprised you feel hurt. I would have been too. But as so many have said all you can do is smile and wait for them to feel ready for visitors. I’m sure as the baby gets older they will be glad to have grandparents who will baby sit and help out. Meanwhile, congratulations, things will sort themselves out.

Rasamara

AugustDay

Considering some of the posts here I’m honestly not surprised that some parents are asking for alone time with their new baby before allowing visitors, family or not.

They have been called pretentious, entitled, silly, selfish and more. This woman gave birth 4 days ago! She’ll make mistakes, we all did. Yes, she’ll probably need help later on and not realize it yet. Yes, baby number 2 might be different. Didn’t anyone else do things with their first child that the realized were silly in hindsight?

OP is hurt, but calling her daughter names isn’t helping.

This. I’ve found reading these messages quite shocking in how judgemental they are.

My view of the messages does not detract from my understanding of how painful it is to not be able to see your own grandchild. It is very, very painful, almost beyond understanding, and thus touches many nerves — which probably explains the criticism here. Note I use ‘painful’ because it’s an emotion that emanates from inside us: our urge to connect with those we love, our desire to be part of their families, our hopes for everyone’s future. It is an expression of how much love OP has for her [newly extended] family.

I’m not using ‘hurtful’ because that implies it is an emotion coming from the OP’s daughter / son-in-law. I don’t think they are purposely thinking ‘we don’t want OP here, she’s xxx [something negative]’. I can pretty much guarantee they, like many of us, have been thrust into the shock of parenthood (via the shock of birthing!) and in a desperate attempt to cope, are following whatever sources of advice they think are appropriate. So they are acting out of love for their new child just as OP is acting out of love for her’s.

And the voices that promote ‘attachment’ as only possible if you hide from everyone / carry your baby around at all times / only feed them organic things you have grown yourself / play them Mozart in the womb (remember that trend?) are very, very convincing, earnest, ‘I am the one who tells you the ultimate truth’ voices. Very compelling, and easy to believe, especially when you are new to parenting.

I don’t judge those who try hard to follow such advice (don’t ask me about the judgements I have for those who give it, of course), and I see that attempts to do so, the fantasy of being the ‘ideal mother’ and ‘ideal father’ as both rather lovely, and highly unrealistic. I know they’ll do things differently with any future children they might have, which is fine too. By the third or fourth they won’t care how they do it, as long as they just get through the day!!!!

But meanwhile, OP, your pain is real, and very, very understandable, and completely appropriate to the situation. It is painful, and I am really sorry you have to experience it. I hope you find ways to fill the days to distract yourself while your head is emotionally connected to this new little thing that is related to you but whom you can’t meet yet.

Sending as many hugs your way as possible. xxx

Very mature and compassionate post.

Everyone has their own way of doing things. The recommendations given to parents their first days/weeks with their newborn has changed dramatically over the years. These new parents are likely following this advice, which you shouldn't begrudge. You were once a new parent trying to do your best too. Sometimes they will disagree with you about what is best and that's okay.

Them choosing something different doesn't make anyone wrong or selfish. I'm surprised at the vitriol here, although I shouldn't be. You can feel hurt without blaming them, calling them names, or implying anything negative about their choices and intentions.

I wonder if your criticism of their choices plays a part in the distance you feel.