To tell in-laws about divorce

Wondering how come SiL's Mum and Dad have apparently noticed nothing. Perhaps there is little contact.

Not fair to criticize advice given when the full situation has not been revealed, and appears more dangerous than indicated at first. The issue with his parents is not important; the fact that she needs police intervention to live safely is, and no matter how much his children adore him it is foolish to attempt to prolong an unreal situation.

(Just in case its necessary to involve police again - if she has a voice recorder on her phone and is able to record incidents, and/or make notes of when and what, it helps the police.)

You are being a great mum to your DD.

Reported.

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Thank you for coming back.
I'm sure we are all wishing the best outcome possible for your daughter and children.

Thank you all. She is in contact with Women's Aid who have been helpful. She actually called the police on their chat line when he wouldn't let her leave the room (he said they had to talk). They responded quickly. Arrested him for coercive and controlling behaviour and kept him overnight. Although he was not charged, it was a shock to him as it was a strong message that his behaviour was unacceptable. It is better since then but he won't leave as he can't afford to until their house is sold. Same for my daughter. I have plenty of room for her and the GC but I live 4 hours away and she doesn't want to uproot that far and actually doesn't want to disrupt his relationship with the GC. They all adore each other. He has always had mental health issues which have significantly deteriorated since lockdown but gradually so she didn't tell me before because she hoped it would improve again. We are very close. In contact every day. To easybee who said that she shouldn't even have told me, we have a very different family dynamic. Not calling on close family and friends when you need support is very toxic. Although I am far away, I am confident she is managing well. She has several good friends who will come round at a moments notice. I am confident that she is not in any physical danger. The school are aware and have assigned a weekly play therapist to her eldest child to monitor for any distress. They seem fine right now. Her strategy is to keep momentum going and to keep everything transactional. I am lucky to be able to help with solicitors fees etc
I will not tell his parents. I wasn't sure whether it would be right and the resounding no I got from the group was very helpful. I also didn't expect to write so much about the situation but that has also been helpful so thank you to those that shared their experience and sent well wishes.

I think encourage her to contact women's aid for support, as people said upthread.

Thank you NotSpaghetti.

Deepem, no one can tell you what you or your daughter should do regarding telling her in laws, but the fact that her husband is encouraging her not to tell them seems very like coercion to me. There maybe other types of control and/or threats he is using. As you are her mother, I can only advise you from what I have learned myself. I would say involve yourself as much as you can in what is happening, but obviously you cannot force your daughter. Make sure she knows you are there for her and her alone, and the children of course, and that you will believe everything she may tell you (but she may not and you can’t force things) and you are behind her all the way. I would encourage her to tell her in laws to be honest, because as long as they don’t know, he holds a certain control over her. His control has to be broken. As the marriage is over, I would say the children will be best served by the parents splitting and making a working relationship between them with regard to the children. However be aware, coercive control doesn’t end with the marriage because the controller still seeks to exert control over their ex partner. Your daughter will need every ounce of support you can give her.
Most of all, believe whatever she tells you.

they berate her, they blame her for everything, they isolate her from friends and family

yes, maddyone - and they make her believe it.
...And you cannot rescue her until she is able to be rescued.

Well done maddyone's daughter and all the others for just surviving this abuse!
Here's to a better, happier future.

Thinking of you Deepem.

Thank you NotSpaghetti, so appreciated.

Welbeck you are right, coercive control is absolutely control, and it’s evil. It’s also against the law in the UK.

you don’t understand, do as I say
you don’t need them, you only need me
this is the best way to do it, do as I tell you
you're not clever enough for that
you think you’re so good don’t you, you’re not
its not rape if we’re married
you should’nt see your friends/family, you don’t need them
you cause all the problems, you spend all the money, we’d be okay if you did as I say
we need to move away from here, we’ll be better on our own

And a lot more. Coercive control. Illegal. They destroy the woman’s confidence, they berate her, they blame her for everything, they isolate her from friends and family. It’s illegal!

And it’s usually men who do it, but women can do it too. It’s very, very common.

she could contact women's aid.
and do the freedom programme.
it's not right to say she is only controlled because she lets him control her.
someone said that upthread.
it shows a lack of understanding of the realities of coercive control.

I’d cut off my arm if it made him stop what he was doing to her - yes, you would- but of course you also know that that wouldn't stop him.

maddyone - always being there, and being thete now, is the main thing.

I will add it makes me weep when I think of what she went through and I didn’t know. I’m her mother! I didn’t interfere because we aren’t supposed to. She didn’t tell me for four years and yet I knew things were wrong, but I didn’t interfere. If I lived it again, I’d interfere alright. I’d cut off my arm if it made him stop what he was doing to her, so my advice is support her, interfere if necessary, intervene, but support your daughter.

NEVER take a neutral stance when your daughter is being controlled. Never, never, never! My daughter was controlled and we stayed silent. Never do it. She’s your daughter, support her in whatever she needs.

I would agree with Davida1968 the current atmosphere in the household will be affecting the children adversely. Is it your SiL who is insisting that them staying together is important for the children?

You say he is controlling, I get the impression that making everything look OK is an obsession. I think for your daughter and DGC's safety, he should be told to leave the home now. If necessary get a court order and then make sure that for the foreseeable fuure - that may not be that long, your daughter and grandchildren always have a member of their wider family living with them.

I know your daughter think she is doing the right thing, but living with a controlling man must make the atmosphere in the house terrible for the children and if I were your daughter I would tell her husband to leave. Let him sort it out with his parents, why should your daughter have to live in such a terrible situation especially with a controlling man who could turn on her and their children at a moments notice.

This is thoughtful advice, thank you.

I agree with others here; keep quiet (as regards informing your SiL's parents) and carry on supporting your DD. From the sound of it, I'd guess that your DD needs to be away from this relationship ASAP, so you may well play a crucial role in helping her to move on with her life. SiL's parents are not your problem.

I have always had an amicable relationship with his parents although they are not nearby and I see them rarely. Would it be unreasonable to message them as if they already knew, in the spirit of supporting each other and maintaining a mature relationship moving forward? Or should I leave well alone and just continue to support my daughter as best I can?

No, leave his parents well out of your messages. Just support your daughter, whilst staying neutral - one never knows the end result in advance.

The best thing you can do is support your daughter but for yourself it might be good to write down what you feel about the situation, and put down just what you think of him too and then rip it up. That lets you do something about how you feel and then can be very calm for your daughter.

I would stay out of it, they are adults, he doesn’t have to tell his parents anything.

Thank you all for the advice which has clarified things for me, the consensus being to do nothing more than continue to support my daughter. I'm appreciative and will follow this advice. Thank you too for your well wishes for my daughter. It has been a shock to find out the level of psychological abuse and control that she has been subjected to but she is calm and strong and I'm so proud of her.

I strongly urge you to leave well alone. Her husband may very well blame your daughter and make her situation even more difficult or even unsafe.

Your daughter and your son-in-law have made the decision not to inform his parents of their impending divorce. It would have been better if your daughter had not informed you either, but kept her own counsel.
On no account should you take the decision to inform his parents, and you should not inform anyone else either.
It may be that your son-in-law does not wish to alarm his parents until they have reached a joint decision; it is up to your daughter to decide the right time, not you.