Friend poaching other friend

Wow. I feel very much for the OP and I wish there wasn't such a lot of condemnation and shaming. It's happened to me a few times, painfully, and yes, my confidence is low along with self esteem so I never know how to deal with these situations emotionally. My head says it shouldn't be an issue but my heart says otherwise. I can identify completely with the hurt.
Some of us are not quite as resilient emotionally as others; some struggle with friendships; we all feel and react differently. Please don't judge the OP and others feeling similarly as lesser mortals when they already struggle with hurt.

And Sandelf you don't seem to get it do you? You really dont as you wouldn't make such a crass retort.

I was approached by a lady I saw every week who was also a friend of my friend She asked if we wanted to play bridge with them which is just involving 4 people having a game together. I felt a bit uncomfortable but said it would be fun. I told my friend and I got the impression she didn’t like us getting together. Personally I am
Not at all proprietary with my friends meeting each other so I wouldn’t be miffed in the least. I hope you can still see your friends and please don’t be upset 🌹

I get this, it's happened to me, friends we holidayed with for years, suddenly invited themselves on our other close friends holiday, and were very dismissive whether we wanted to join in or not. My DH was livid, & the other friends felt terribly awkward, and called us to discuss it. They were also invited to other things, and we were an afterthought, as in you probably won't want to do this , and we've already asked the others but here is the date.
Personally, I feel this is not the way you treat "good friends" free country or not.
But, there were repercussions from that holiday, not everyone gets on in those situations. My advice, let them get on with it and pull back from them both.
Not everyone's view on here, but proves we are all different.

I have a friend, she brought another friend of hers along to my house as she found out the lady had interests in common with me. We all met together a few times then the second lady came to my house alone to take part in our shared interest……at no time did either of us think it was necessary to invite my friend or inform her of the visit. I did not need her permission to have my new friend over and she certainly would not require that I informed her. I think it did come up in conversation at a later date. This occurred because we are all adults and do not expect to be the only one in our friends lives.

Yes you've been sidelined ,reason why people have pets,loyal

Was it mentioned to you by the couple that were invited? (I know you said the couple that did the inviting didn’t mention it) if neither couple mentioned it and you just found out, I would contact both couples and ask if they would like to do something that weekend … see what the reaction is

What is important is you are hurt, not whether you are “right” to be hurt and I do understand that hurt. It may dissipate if you can feel close to your original friends again. I’d nicely let them know you know they have invited the others? Let some time pass and some more information emerge and see how it goes and give yourself a big hug. I recall some friends we always holidayed with arranging to go without us, telling us after it has all been arranged and saying “we didn’t think your health was up to this trip”. I felt awful on several counts! I was happy for them to do a more strenuous holiday but would have felt more borne in mind if they had told us at the planning stage.

I actually feel your pain as this has happened to me and to other people I know.

Surely if she didn't have room to invite 2 couples at the same time it would have been much nicer had she explained this.

It's being sneaky about it that is wrong.

You take care

I’m sorry if I sound a bit rude, but it does all seem a bit school girl-ish. After all we meet our friends through others - my bestie of 51 years is a nightmare for not including us in lots of social things - we don’t live very close to each other and she definitely “moves in different circles to us” and on the odd occasion I have felt peeved I’ve told her. Invite your friends over and be honest with them 😊😊

Something similar has happened to a friend of mine. She has a couple of very elderly neighbours that she’s been visiting and helping for years. Then she became friends with a new younger neighbour who decided to also befriend these elderly people and has kind of taken over doing all the things my friend has always done. Now, when she goes round they’ll say “ don’t worry, so and so has done it already, so kind of her “
My friend also feels a bit sidelined especially as the new friend likes to brag about how much she’s doing for these old people. My friend has decided to say nothing but just keep visiting her old friends and doing what she still can but it does rankle.

Phew! I have 6 children and 12 grandchildren so no time for friends - thank goodness!! 😂

Had a friend from school who absconded to a mutual friend ! Very upsetting So we’re they really a friend ??

My first thought, when seeing the title of this thread was "For goodness sake, how old are you?"
My DH and I had next-door neighbours in successive houses, both couples being keen yachties. Of course they got on and they did things together, not just sailing, and were glad we'd introduced them.

I think the only thing really wrong with this is the way it was kept secret from you. Would have been nice to have said they were inviting friends B over for a weekend as (insert whatever reason) Then you wouldn't be so hurt at being excluded especially if it was to visit something you're not interested in like ballet opera art exhibition

I get this as its been done to me , it's not nice . I made the effort of including a friend recently separated . I even invited her to join a girls holiday that I used organise every year with my best friend .

Suddenly my best friend started blowing hot and cold and other friend couldn't do the dates we'd agreed on .
The very next day I get an email telling me they've booked a holiday and if I'd like to join them they'll see if they can add me to the booking .

40 yr Friendship over I'm afraid , I see them both if I'm invited , usually once a year but I'm always the third wheel .
They gush over each other on Facebook etc . I don't invest the time anymore . I don't think it's school girl behaviour to feel miffed , its schoolgirl behaviour on their part not yours, it's hurtful especially when you've introduced or included . It's not something I would do to a friend .

Ouch hes that stings. I have experienced the same thing, well not staying over but doing fun things together without inviting me or my family. Turned out to be a good occasion to gossip about us, and of course I heard about it and broke up with both "friends". They came crying and apologizing but I had seen their true face so refused to see them again.

Over the last couple of years I have actually been in the same situation as you, we are not included in anything they do,lifelong friends with both couples separately for 50 years, we now do not see either couple on their own or indeed as a group, I have tried, invitations, dinner, coffee etc but they are very wrapped up in their 'friendship' and apparently are too busy with outings, holidays etc that do not include us. I can honestly say that I have to accepted it, moved on and have some wonderful other friends both old and new. It seemed so childish to me and I was at a loss to understand and believe me I did look at anything that I could have done to upset anyone although that is not my style. Life's too short, make new friends and maybe contact some you haven't seen in a while, I did and its been lovely.

People like change, maybe they don't want to do the same thing every year. The other couple could have shown interest in something and been invited. Do you return the invitation? Sometimes, people feel it's a one way relationship.
But I wouldn't worry about it. Invite your friends and the other couple over separately, time will fade the feeling of hurt. It has happened to all of us and different people have different relationships with each other. This has happened to me a lot, because I'm always happy to introduce different people to each other and in the long run, I've benefitted. I also always step back in a party when it's a group and someone is lurking nearby trying to join, so they can join in. See yourself as a facilitator of friendship and keep and open heart and open mind.

I really don’t understand a grown up person being upset about this. It’s like being back in the school playground with someone saying. ‘You can’t be friends with her, she’s my friend’. Which is exactly what children do. You don’t own your friends and it’s totally unreasonable to expect them to only see each other when you’re there too, because they met through you.

Oh gosh I just can't see this. It is a free country - if they fancy getting together without you - is it your business?

3somes never work for ME.. others like being in a throuple!

Cheeseplantmad

Dickens

VioletSky

I don't think you need to worry unless your friendship changes

I think you're right.

One couple being friendly with another couple in a group does not mean anything other than the fact they obviously get along well.

This is not about couples in a group this is about personal long time individual friends .

You say that you didn’t mind becoming friendly with one of your close long term friends but , would you then invite them to your place without even considering your other close long term friend ? Wouldn’t you think about their feelings ?

To find one good friend in life is not easy , even harder to find two , but for that one good friend to make arrangements with the other one of your other good friends , excluding oneself, that , in my opinion , is just plain hurtful and thoughtless .

You say that you didn’t mind becoming friendly with one of your close long term friends but , would you then invite them to your place without even considering your other close long term friend ? Wouldn’t you think about their feelings ?

Not quite what I said.

A long-term friend (friend A) introduced me to one of her friends (friend B) (because she knew we had a lot in common).

Friend B and I met on occasions without friend A - who also had other friends that she would meet, without either of us.

Friend A would also meet friend B - without me. And often friend A, friend B, and me, would all meet together.

We all led independent - and busy - lives, we also did not all share the same interests. Friend B and I were into a hobby that original friend A had no interest in (for example).

It was a 'threesome', and it worked perfectly happily. None of us felt excluded or hurt because the nature of our friendships didn't change. And we were all three of us there for each other if the need arose.

I don't see a need to be miffed, they obviously enjoy each others company.

I would see it as we are alllll friends, if i was being repeatedly nosed out then that would upset me, but at the end of the very day its a case of we are all unique and situations affect each of us differently so if all replies to your post were ohhhh dont let it upset you you have to ask yourself would this really make me feel differently?

💐

Rude and thoughtless, not the friends you thought they were, I would be hurt too. Not adult behaviour of people who are meant to be friends of many years standing.