How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

OPs rarely tell us anything

I'm as entitled to give my thoughts on how to have positive relationships with children and young people as anyone else

If OP explains more I can tailor further

I'm not arguing here

And I'm not advising anything that may damage a relationship so what is the problem?

Being thanked for a gift from a child isn't expecting a level of respect from children just for being an adult it's a display of good manners from the child which will serve them well when they become adults.

Leading by example would be for the parent to ensure that thanks is given, and the recipient of the thanks to show their appreciation for receiving it.

Communicate, don't lay blame and Shame should be applied to Agent too.

VioletSky

I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

The days of giving respect to get respect are here

Isn't sending a present respecting a birthday so therefore should be reciprocated with a respectful reply?
Keep on dear doing things your way and see where they land you and how you feel.

You say "Expecting a level of respect from children just for being an adult is wrong," VS , but how do you know that the OP is doing this? The post says only that a gift was returned and on another occasion a gift of money was not acknowledged, yet out of that you deduced that it was all the grandparent's fault and the child and their parents were blameless?

You have posted much elsewhere about your relationship with your mother (otherwise I would not mention it), but does that make you an expert on all mothers and grandmothers?

That's a better way forward, talk to them, find out why they returned the gifts and explain that it hurt feelings. Ask "what can we do better in future"

Communicate, don't lay blame and Shane

That's where many relationships go wrong

I agree with others, I find this really rude and ungrateful. Agent007 went to the trouble of buying & sending a gift only to have it returned. Respect works both ways and if the grandchild is old enough to return a gift then they are old enough to understand how hurtful this is. It seems the parents are colluding with this as well. Maybe it's time to have a family chat about expectations and thoughtfulness.

OP. My starting question would be, are they rude to other people as well, or just you?

If they are rude to others as well, there is a big problem in general.

If they are rude only to you, do you know the reason for that?

I always ask DiL what to get. I always have. They do have so many "things". I dont expect "thank you" that's not the family's way re the kids tho, get a text from DS and DiL but I know its a welcome gift if not a favourite one. Eldest is coming up to 11 so its money transferred into his account.

I feel loved and part of the family and that's enough.

Re the O/P, returning gifts is horrifying. I can't understand why their mum would tolerate it. I'd be as upset as you are Agent007. I'm assuming they are teenagers at a possible trying it on age. They may well cringe at that memory in later years. I can only assume that their mum can't control them in these respects.

What would I actually do? I'm one for compromise on the whole: I'd send them £10 without expectations, because I suspect you are in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.

By this I mean that sending presents back is a sort of teenage challenge possibly waiting for you to act "dramatically" in return. Don't. Just send the tenner in an uncontroversial card: they can neither say you have sent something silly nor have deliberately been "horrid" to them.

Teenagers need guidance and good examples, that is our job as adults

Expecting a level of respect from children just for being an adult is wrong, children are also deserving of respect.

The best way is to have a mutually respectful relationship is from the beginning, children and young people are our equals with their own feelings and needs. Our job is to guide them, lead by example and hold ourselves to the standards we expect.

If we aren't doing that, who really is acting like a child?

I agree Elegran.

Not knowing what your GC like doesn't necessarily equate to a distant relationship. Distance in relationships refers to not intimate, cool and/or reserved. There's a lot more to a relationship than knowing what someone might like as a gift.

A mutually respectful relationship works in two directions. That is what "mutually" means.

If the grandchildren found that their gifts from grandmother showed that grandmother wasn't aware of what would please them, perhaps they could be guided (by a parent? - these are not orphans) into wondering why that might be? The parents should be wondering about that too.

Have they given any gifts to their grandparents? If not why not? Guided by mother if they are too young to do it themselves, and accompanied by some conversation about what might be appropriate, and handed over face to face so that they could be thanked in person and feel how pleasant it is to be thanked for the effort of choosing and giving.

Have they been taken to visit grandparents at reasonable intervals (and for reasonably short visits, so that it doesn't seem like an imposition to lively children), so that the rapport can be achieved, or have the grandparents been treated as irrelevant and annoying by their parents?

Are the parents ( and as a result the grandchildren) seeing the grandparents solely as spenders of money on them, not as people to form and keep up a relationship with?

Blaming the GPs totally when you have never met them and know only what has been posted is gaslighting

Smileless2012

You're assuming that the relationship is distant VS despite nothing to suggest that that is the case.

I'm saying OP doesn't know what their grandchildren like, that's distance

I am happy to chat to OP about that

Have a nice day

You're assuming that the relationship is distant VS despite nothing to suggest that that is the case.

Presents can be used as weapons including when they're returned.

They returned presents to you? Really? Then the problem isn't just with the Grandkids, the parents are in there too. Frankly, if this happened to me, I'd just stop giving altogether. Use the money to treat yourself, or better yet, tell them that in future you'll be donating it to a Charity, where it will be properly appreciated. You win, the Charity wins, they lose... and maybe even learn a hard lesson in life.

Is the present something they liked?

Is it something they showed no interest in but OP valued?

Presents can also be used as weapons

I'm advising OP on what I think will help their situation

This is my genuine advice

Look at the relationship

Ask why it is distant

Think about how to achieve a mutually respectful relationship

I didn't ask for anyone's opinion on my advice but as we are doing that... here is my thoughts on any version of "stop giving those ungrateful brats anything"... that will not help OPs relationship which they clearly care about enough to need advice

Anyway, my advice is my advice, I don't care who agrees, I have good relationships with my children doing things my way

Wow , I’m so shocked that your GC would return gifts because they didn’t like them . That’s so unbelievably rude and hurtful. My parents and in-laws would ask me for gift ideas when my dc were young. When they became teenagers they’d give money or store vouchers . And my dc always had to send a thank you note or a phone call .
Definitely have a word with the parents as I’m assuming one of the parents must have gone to the post office to return the gifts.

Op, stop giving to them. They obviously don`t appreciate your kindness so let them learn a life lesson. It will do them good. Don`t pussyfoot around them, be firm and just send a card

Re thanks for gifts, my sons in law never thanked me after me sending them birthday gifts, so all they get now is a card

VioletSky

I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

The days of giving respect to get respect are here

Wow. Well, all I can say is that if either of my children had been so rude and ungrateful to any of their grandparents, they'd have got a hell of a lot more than 'a stern telling off'. Manners cost nothing - and shouldn't have to be 'earned'.

VioletSky

I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

The days of giving respect to get respect are here

Tell that to the grandchild who can't be bothered to thank someone for a gift - whether they like the item or not, it has taken time money and effort to get it and send it. The giver is due some recognition of that.

No one's speaking for the OP VS, just giving their opinion on the OP and the responses made by others.

Good questions Rosie.

My sympathies to the OP, it does hurt.
I changed to giving store vouchers and that seems to work ,a bit, better

Smileless as ever I am happy to talk to the OP not those speaking for them

Thank you