younger relatives don't do conversation

I suppose it all comes down to how far people are on the 'my house, my rules' spectrum. I am much nearer the 'make yourself at home' end than many on this thread seem to be. If I have my children and/or partners staying, I want them to feel as though it's an extension of their homes, not somewhere where they are expected to mind their Ps and Qs to the degree that someone might leave the room if they didn't comply with the rules of the house.

When I visit them, it's their house, so if there were any rules it wouldn't be for me to complain. As it is, they are both in pretty much the same place on the spectrum as I am - try to make everyone feel comfortable, but speak up if something is really bugging you (but don't expect instant compliance ).

Do those who refuse to have phones at the table insist on people taking off smart watches too? When my son first got one it was always pinging and vibrating until he got the settings straight. I don't know - when I am out, or have made an effort to be with someone, I do feel narked when they appear to give more importance to someone on the end of a phone than to me, but I'm not sure I can insist on being their top priority all the time. My mother used to insist I put my book down when we had visitors, but I wasn't really encouraged to join in the conversation other than to answer politely when asked an intrusive question . Instead, I mostly sat there wishing they would go away so I could get back to whatever I was reading in my own home. I see this as pretty similar in many ways. It's different if there are only two people, and one of them is on their phone, but having said that, I will often tap away on here when Mr Dog is watching TV or something. Live and let live.

Yes that is a problem Sawsage it does render some users completely oblivious to those around them

I use a mobility scooter. It's worse in shops when people come towards you but they're looking at their phones. I have to stop and wait for them to pass me.

Banned at dinner tables and restaurants in my family my DD won’t have it with her girls.

One could always use the excuse, at the dining table, assuming the phone isn't about the owner's person in a pocket say, please don't have your phone on the table they're very unhygienic, harbour loads of germs allegedly and then under your breath not to mention damn annoying

This sure is a very sad sign of our times, we experience the same, one of our grandchildren used to show a lovely personality but now hardly ever looks up from the mobile in our presence. It really does sadden us but we cannot interfere.

Extremely rude. It is also very sad to think that social media can every replace real life interaction and conversation. I would probably leave as I certainly couldn't sit there and be ignored (maybe interpreted as you are ok with it?)

Doodledog

I agree that negotiation of social norms is a great way forward, but it might work better if not viewed as 'taking action' against transgressors. It might be better to approach it as a way to listen to why those who do it don't see it as rude? After all, if we have brought up our children to be polite and reasonable people, maybe their point of view has some merit - would they be doing it otherwise?

I know that I am more likely to listen non-defensively when people 'come in peace' than when they come to 'take action' and 'teach' me to take their point of view.

Agreed.

We merely say our table isn't for phones. Please use your phone elsewhere, if you must, but not at the table. They all park their phones before sitting down, good enough for us.

This last weekend my brother flew in for Church holiday /Mum's Day, we had more people than our usual high numbers of 'drop rounds' - all were polite and didn't use phones at the tables.

It's expectations, on both sides to the negotiation. My brother, always work available, even turned his phone off .

I've decided to leave the room when visitors use their phone and see how long it takes them to realise, if at all!

I agree, ShazzaKanazza. Older people are just as likely to pounce on their phones when they get texts, in my experience. It's probably a throwback to the days when we would all rush to answer the phone in case it was important.

It isn’t just the younger generation that do it. My best friend sits and looks at Facebook and on a site to see how many likes and comments she has on a card making site while in my company. A few months back we went for a meal with her and her DH and I went to the toilet and when I came out my husband who was facing me just shrugged as they were both on their phones. I feel like saying let’s not bother meeting up but she is a lifelong friend.
My mum was so impressed with my two kids when they took the GC over to visit her last week she said neither touched their phones once and took care of their children.
We have a strict no phones policy at our table when we are together. If they pick them up they get a look off me and soon put them down.

I agree that negotiation of social norms is a great way forward, but it might work better if not viewed as 'taking action' against transgressors. It might be better to approach it as a way to listen to why those who do it don't see it as rude? After all, if we have brought up our children to be polite and reasonable people, maybe their point of view has some merit - would they be doing it otherwise?

I know that I am more likely to listen non-defensively when people 'come in peace' than when they come to 'take action' and 'teach' me to take their point of view.

Hi Grans! It looks like we are pretty much in agreement that mobile phone use while in company is rude, so why don't we take action? We are of a generation that enjoys conversation, and communication, so let us communicate this to our families and friends. Have a conversation with your grown up DC's about the use of mobiles while in company, and see what their views are, particularly if they have a tendency to use their mobile while in your company. For example, when they do look up from their phone, we could say 'don't you think it's rude using a mobile while you have company?' Initially they may apologise, or they might make some excuse, but it opens the door to a conversation, during which we can then express how important we feel it is that they teach their own DCs that there is a time and a place for all things, and ignoring others in order to read a message without even asking if they mind, is rude. I thought our job when we had children, was to teach them about life, and from my own experience, and what I hear from every Mum I've ever spoken to, is our children are for life, and not just until they reach 18, so surely that teaching job continues for as long as we are able to do it? Just my thoughts, but if we don't take action, who will?

Witzend

Unbelievably rude, OP. I’d have left, and might well have said I’d come back when they’d learned some manners.

I rest my case

Unbelievably rude, OP. I’d have left, and might well have said I’d come back when they’d learned some manners.

Fleurpepper

Doodledog ''it's as easy to be in trouble for 'not responding' to a message''

honestly? OK if you don't respond at all- or if it is a true emergency- but otherwise? A couple of hours surely don't matter! This is a form of bullying.

My point is that one person's view is not necessarily another's, and both participants can be insistent that theirs is right, with associated judgement - as your post has proved.

Until an etiquette has been established it isn't as simple as people saying 'I won't allow this' - well, it is, but as with other attempts at dominating social spheres it won't always end well. As the OP had been invited to visit, it is hard to believe that the niece and nephew didn't want her company, or that they would be happy for her to feel uncomfortable, so it sounds to me as though there was a mismatch of expectations, and a misunderstanding of how each of the parties felt.

FWIW, I agree that a companion being on a phone can be very irritating, but that's why I asked what was meant by 'returned to their social media'. I did some research many years ago into the impact of mobile phones (before smartphones were invented) and one of the findings was that they facilitated a shift in power from the caller to the recipient. Previously people would break off conversations to answer the phone, jump out of the bath to pick up before the caller hung up, stay in waiting for the phone to ring (the subject of many popular songs ) and so on. With the advent of mobiles, people could choose when to answer, as they could see who the caller was and ring back when it was more convenient for them. Not everyone liked it, and older* people often complained that their offspring were being rude by not dropping everything to answer - 'I know she's in, as it's Tuesday, but she clearly can't be bothered to talk to me', whilst younger people were relieved at being able to finish what they were doing before having to take a call.

There were many other findings that I won't bore you with, but the main thrust was that this shift in the balance of 'power' was perceived by some as rudeness and others as liberation, and that there was little attempt to negotiate a middle ground - basically it came down to perception and judgement. Things have moved on a lot since phones that could only be used for (expensive) calls and short texts, but the social negotiation needed when there is such a major shift in communication hasn't taken place, which can, I think, lead to misunderstandings.

*this was not exclusively an age thing - I can't remember the figures now, but whilst it cut across age and sex groups, it was mainly older people who expected instant pick-up when they'd called at a time to suit them, and didn't see the convenience of the receiver of the call as important.

I am very fortunate,my grandchildren put their phones down when i visit,without being asked to and we sit and have a good old natter.
As for around the dinner table,not once have i seen any of them with a device of any sort.
A lot of people are obsessed with them,i actually had a young mother pushing her buggy walk straight in front of me,thankfully i was driving slowly as i was turning a corner,she didn`t look around at all.

nanafunny

having been invited to visit my niece and her husband the other evening, I was made to feel uncomfortable because after being welcomed in, both returned to their social media and I was sitting there feeling old and insignificant

If this happens the next time they invite you, I would mention that it makes you feel you have come at the wrong time, even although you came at their invitation.

Point out that our generation was brought up not to disturb people who clearly are dealing with something important, so you are left wondering whether you should offer to leave.

Did they ever get round to talking to you?

My DIL would do the same on the rare occasions she and my son visit us (rare because of distance, not because they are not welcome). However, my son told her nicely the first time they came here that she could neither bring her phone nor her computer to the table here, as she does at home.

We accept that she goes into another room at times to "check her e-mail, or her Facebook profile" but have said we do like to be able to speak to her without feeling we are interrupting her at certain points during the day.

Here this compromise works well, which doesn't of course mean it would work for everyone else, but it might be worth a try.

My niece is an ex headteacher. She has 6 grandchildren ranging from 7-13 and invites them all for a week's holiday together at her house every school holiday as she wants the children to get to know their cousins. She organises the week well but has 2 rules - 1) no devices, phones, tablets etc to be used and 2) their parents mustn't over encourage them to come if the child wants to opt out. So far they all come but my niece wonders for how long they'll continue. She says she hopes by being without social media props they'll forge real and lasting friendships. I think it's a lovely idea.

We had a pub lunch recently with several friends. One of them said before the meal 'DD will phone me in the next hour to tell us at what time to pick up GS' and apologised for keeping phone on. She took the call for a few seconds- apologised again, and put phone away, and raised eyebrows with big smile and a 'kids hey'. Totally fine and the way to do it.

I think it's just bad manners to be engrossed with phone when in company of others whether at the dinner table or elsewhere. There should be no need to have rules re no phone at the table it should be common courtesy or maybe I'm just old fashioned.

We had the 17 year old GS over to stay for a long weekend, having been long distance GP's for most of his life. On the one hand he never seemed to stop talking but, on the other hand, left to his own devices while we were other wise engaged, he was talking to friends on his mobile in the room above us at 2 am, filming us and our home and broadcasting comments to his friends without our permission and, on one memorial le occasion whilst doing this, film himself throwing himself backwards onto the flagstone floor whilst providing a running commentary. I had to take to my bed with exhaustion on 2 subsequent afternoons after 3 days and one night of this behaviour. We have not had him stay overnight since but did explain clearly why initially but unfortunately we have been ill either with Covid or, since the beginning of this year with and very nasty constantly coughing virus so we have just been to ill to have him over. However we have, gradually, and nevertheless begun to enjoy each other's company for the occasional day out and have a whole family gathering planned for an away week under one roof in Easter. Wish us luck!

Although my family spend a great amount of time on their phones they never bring them to the dinner table. Saturday evening dinner at my house is where we discuss the week, GC tell me what they have been doing at school/college and what extra curricular activities they have been up to.

It’s not always young people glued to their phones . We popped into our local pub recently after walking the dog, a few of our friends were there and we sat with them. I don’t know why we bothered because they were constantly on their phones , we hardly got s conversation out of them and this was 2 guys in their early 60s .

Doodledog ''it's as easy to be in trouble for 'not responding' to a message''

honestly? OK if you don't respond at all- or if it is a true emergency- but otherwise? A couple of hours surely don't matter! This is a form of bullying.