What do you think....

Just a thought - without reading all the “deeper” ,
posts about controlling behaviour or family dynamics - but surely “your house, your rules” in a still loving way?

This is a very concerning issue, and of course a difficult situation for the person who is seeing this happen. As both a parent and a teacher, plus having knowledge of what is now called coercive behaviour , this is very much an abusive situation to me and the child is in a powerless position. If this is the only way they get to see their father, they will be very reluctant to do anything which might result in total lack of contact, so they are between a rock and a hard place. That terrible pit of the stomach feeling when they are travelling to be with the family. Wish to see the father but dreading the hoops they have to go through to do so. It is very much a power issue for the child "eat what I say or you cant be here" So the child has risked telling your friend about it, which was a big step to take and shows trust in the adult. I see this as definitely a cry of HELP and they are desperate to alter the situation in a safe way. So definitely being a good and trusted friend to the child, will make them feel safe about speaking out about this situation. Yes I would keep a written diary and if it is possible to unobtrusively record what the child has to say, so that you are building up a portfolio of incidents over time. Any parent can be forgiven for the one off situation where tempers are frayed for whatever reason, but this is absolute controlling and bullying. If you knew that someone was physically abusing or punishing a child on a regular basis, I am sure it would be obvious that some intervention is needed. In my view this is every bit as bad, or even worse. It is not obvious to others, there are no physical marks to show but my goodness the mental marks are there. If no one does anything this child is left in a dreadful position, where they know that this behaviour is going to continue, they are not able to stop it happening and may fear that it will get worse as time goes on until they are old enough to speak out, but the damage will be done by then. Torturers know that telling someone what you are going to do to them in the future adds to the torture as they have time to worry and become more frightened and feel totally powerless to prevent it happening. So in practical terms , yes have a little stock of food that this child enjoys and can access safely with you (although even saying this , what does it say when you have to hide what and how someone eats?) be prepared to listen to whatever the child says, Stick to whatever promise you make to them, so that they can see that some adults are to be trusted. But I would be inclined to gather some evidence by phone and paper and then contact the NSPCC or social services, where you can show them the evidence you have and give them the opportunity to make contact in a low key way, they should be able to also contact the childs teacher who will be able to tell them any signs they see. e g Every time the child is due to visit the family , they may be withdrawn, be sick or often have stomach ache, which they can say to the teacher as it is a physical condition, but once the background is known you are able to see the mental/physical connections.It is very good that your friend has been able to speak to you and so you will also provide a support when they worry what they should do. But the most important thing is that something is done and quickly. When families change and children have to get used to other new members of the family there is often some sort of power struggle and pecking order. But it is up to the parents to provide a safe space and rules whilst they get to know each other, never to aid and abet behaviours that dont help a family to blend . As a step parent myself, where the age range is quite wide, on the first occasion that my stepdaughter came for easter, I changed my old routine of hiding small eggs in the garden for an easter hunt. Thinking about it I saw that either it would be seen as too babyish, or the older child would find most of the eggs and this would be upsetting for the younger one and a potential danger point. So I bought a selection of very small eggs etc and my husband and I sat for an evening each with a cotton reel. So we wrapped one or two items in cling film, tied it onto the cotton, pulled a good lenght out and repeated this several times. This way I was able to check and recheck that precisely the same amount was on each reel . Then we hid the cotton through toys, welly boots etc etc and up the stairs. In the morning when they both came in we said "Happy Easter" and told them to follow the strings. They really enjoyed winding up the cotton and finding each little gift . They thoroughly enjoyed the fun, could see that they were treated absolutely the same. This is over 30 years ago and they still talk about "the strings " and I have had the happy chance to see my grandchild being given the opportunity to do the same. So a bit of thought and effort really did pay dividends and is now a very happy memory shared by all. Let us hope that some decent and kind adults can provide some pleasant and normal memories in this poor childs future.

The worry is that it could extend to other situations beyond the choice of breakfast. It's a little hard to get a clear picture when it is third hand, but it certainly isn't acceptable behaviour.
If your friend is worried, seeking advice from social services or NSPCC sounds like good advice.
A friend of mine had a nephew who was treated very unfairly while his stepbrother (son of mum and stepdad) was favoured and treated very differently. The lad ended up committing suicide as a young adult. No-one can prove what part the earlier unfair treatment played, but it was likely to be a factor.

As a child I was made to eat what was put down to me. If I didnt like it I knew I would go to bed hungry. There was no money for catering to special whims in my parants house.

As I remember it was like that in most homes. Children ate what they were given and were grateful for it. It was usually accompanied by some explanation of "starving children in Africa". So there was no chance of growing up as what is now called a "fussy eater".

And that way the older child loses any support they had from the Adult.

I think you should start by advising your friend to say to the parents that when the family is in her house her rules apply.

One rule concerns food: polite visitors eat what is put on the table.

She serves two breakfast dishes, for instance cornflakes with milk and scrambled eggs with toast (or whatever else she likes)

If either child does not care for a particular food, he or she can leave it. If the children refuse both foods on offer, they can go hungry until lunch time when one dish will be set out.

Anyone who stamps or screams will be put in another room until the fit stops. Children do not usually carry on like this unless they know the will get their own way by doing so.

If either the parent or step-parent complains, your friend smiles sweetly and says "My house, my rules. I have decided it is time to stop this carry-on. If you don't agree with me, you can leave now, taking your ill-conditioned brat with you, and come back when the child can behave properly."

If this escalates, as I visualise into a full-blown row, she points out that letting children have their own way all the time, right, reason or none is doing them a disservice.

This is not how the world functions and no child should be allowed to dominate parents, sister and grandmother like this (or whoever else your friend is).

And no, they are not creating a future Donald Trump, much worse, these parents are creating next generation Putin.

Totally agree with Justhavingacuppa - the older child has disclosed that they are feeling uncomfortable and has chosen the friend as a trusted adult. This puts them in a position of having a duty of care.
Soc servs may well not do anything themselves but can make school aware. The school will have family workers/ pastoral care staff who will be able to talk with both child and parents about the situation.

If you're worried, and you obviously are, why not ring NSPCC anonymously, and just ask for advice? Find as many examples as you can before ringing. I've used this service on two occasions, two different children involved, and they have been very supportive and took my concerns seriously. I didn't want it on my conscience that I hadn't brought matters to the attentions of the professionals...

This sounds like the sort of thing I read about on Mimsnet where it is considered perfectly fine for a stepmother to treat the stepchildren "differently".

The poor child in this case.

It's doubtful that Social Services would be able to do much at the moment, and a visit from them could possibly antagonise. If things escalate then they must be contacted. And there would be no harm in someone phoning SS and asking for advice without divulging the identity of the family.

Another possibility is that the relative could contact the headteacher of the child's school and ask to talk confidentially to them. Often the headteacher is the designated person responsible for any safeguarding issues, but sometimes it's another teacher - by law, there must be a named person - it could be on the school website. Whoever it is could perhaps try to build a relationship and let the child know that they're ready to listen in confidence.

It would definitely be really useful for all teachers involved with the child to be made aware that there might be issues at home - just so they can keep an eye on the child.

I've no idea how old the child is, but if they are old enough it would be good if somehow they could be told about Childline.

Are we allowed to know how old are these children?

User 7777 - if as your friend reports, the older child is made to fit in with the existing family routine when it visits, then it seems pretty clear that the step-mother resents its appearance into her family nest and is victimising it by forcing it to eat food it doesn't like. Contrary to all those who do not believe this is a reporting matter, I do - if it is true - for the simple reason that a child who is forced to do anything against its wishes around food is in a strong position to develop OCD around food/eating, and that may lead to food-related depression, not mentioning punctured self-esteem. It's a case of protection. What does this child's biological mother know of how her child is treated? If your friend is absolutely sure of her facts then she has a duty to make a call to Social Services and that can be anonymous, and will be acted upon.

Initially I was outraged on behalf of the older child, User7777 but then you went on to say that this has been reported by the older child to your friend. I wonder whether the older child is actually being subjected to this whole sale or whether it has happened once or twice and has now found a sympathetic ear.

If you have listened to my daughter you would have believed that her younger brother was given anything he wanted, she was totally unloved and everybody in the house hated her. The fact was my daughter had a lot of emotional problems which we worked on within a Family Therapy environment and she also had counselling. Even the Social Worker had to agree that she had a skewed view of her situation and now she is heading for her 40's she has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. A sympathetic ear by her Grandmother who agreed with her that life was ever so unfair was completely counter productive!

Justhavingacuppa - I am in total agreement with you. I did safeguarding training as part of my last role and would absolutely class this as emotional abuse, as I said in an earlier post on this thread. As you very rightly say, abuse like this can stay with you for the rest of your life.

I work with children and regularly have safeguarding training. This is absolutely emotional abuse and is everyone’s responsibility to report as necessary. I understand everyone’s responses for the friend to remain the safe adult but your friend must let the child know that she cannot keep secrets like this. At the very least, your friend needs to speak to the father and tell him he needs to stand up to his wife and if he won’t, she needs to call the local safeguarding team. In fact, she can speak to them about her worries and they can make a decision on whether this is something that needs to be escalated.
Someone needs to help this child because the harm that this kind of abuse causes, lasts a lifetime. Trust me, I know.

NotTooOld

Why are there 'Gransnet videos' after Forsythia's post? Never seen that on here before. Can anyone else see it? Or is it just me?

I see them too. I don't know why.

If this sort of thing was happening to adults in a workplace eg one member of staff being given special equipment and another nothing, or one being allowed longer teabreaks than the other it woukd be regarded as discrimination. Just the same with the two kids in my view. Tge father needs to step up and treat both his children the same no matter what his current wife says/wants. I'd be fuming as the older child's mother.

I totally understand how the elder child feels in this scenario and I wasn't a 'visiting' child.
My parents divorced when I was 6yrs old, my younger sibling (same gender and less than 3yrs between us) and I remained with our mother who regularly favoured them (this is not a case of sour grapes on my part).
My sibling always got new clothes bought from a well-known children's clothing store but mine came from the local jumble sale, my shoes were always clumpy, ugly school shoes obtained via a free voucher system but my sibling's shoes were always nicer, chosen by them and paid for by our mother.
They chose our breakfast cereal (only ever one option available in the cupboard), they always chose what they wanted to do if we were going somewhere, if sweets were being bought, you guessed it, it was always their choice.
The list went on and on.
It wasn't until I was old enough to be earning my own money that I was allowed to make my own choices (as long as I paid for them) but even then, whilst I still lived under mother's roof, I had to pay my sibling pocket money (I'd never had pocket money growing up).
At the time, I didn't realise this was a mind-f**k, I believed it was just the way things were, but since having kids of my own and treating them equally, I now realise how dreadfully my mother behaved towards me.

I would say that the aunt should continue to be a safe haven for the elder child but should also speak to the father about her concerns.

Totally unfair on the older child, I can't understand why they do it, it's cruel. If I was the eldest I would end up despising my younger sibling and that could end up up causing all kinds of trouble in years to come.

It seems to me that the young child might be the child of both parents, but the older one is not. Hence the favouritism. This is abuse.

It beggars understanding WHY the younger child would even WANT to make elder child eat the same things?? For what reason? Its ridiculous and Any parent going along with it is stupid.Your friend needs more 'evidence' of other cruel insane goings on like this before any reporting happens though.What about elder childs mother? Is she around? Does she have any say in this? Is she even aware? (Apologies is already explained- not had time to read all posts yet)

To NotTooOld....I too have Gransnet video after Forsythia's comment. Please Please Please, Gransnet , as Margaret Thatcher would have said "No! No! No!

Looks like the parents are creating a Donald Trump like monster. This will makes their lives hell if they don’t get a grip now. Someone has to set boundaries, children feel more secure, it’s for both parents to work together and stop taking the “easy” route of giving in to unreasonable behaviour. Some parents today just want to be liked by their kids - pathetic.

Of course it is wrong, but I am constantly amazed by the intelligent seemingly educated parents who give in to their screaming children. My GS used to do it with his mum. He tried it with me once-screamed for what he wanted for almost 20 mins. Eventually realised he wasn't going to get it and stopped, never did it again. Children are brighter than parents think.

We know very little facts from third hand account- not enough to evaluate