We were contacted this week by an ex-girlfriend of my DH’s step son. We have not seen her for about six years. She now a single parent with two children, one aged 6 and one age 3 (who is disabled)
She rang my DH as she was in the area and asked if she could call. I was at work so was not aware of any of this until I got home and she had left.
My husband feels sorry for her as she is a single parent. Neither of the dads have anything to do with the children. My husband is soft and she knows this, which is why she contacted him and not me.
Here is the background, as I need to explain why I feel like I do not want her back in our lives.
My DH was married previously and had a SS (stepson) who was around 3 when they married. They split up after ten years when the stepchild was about 13. His mother didn’t have much time for him and he was left to his own devices. My DH tried to keep contact with him but we moved away from the area and he was a teenager and not that interested. I met him a couple of times and found him very arrogant. He reminded me of Liam Gallagher in attitude. He went to prison for 12 months for GBH, did drugs and was always fighting.
His mother married again and her new husband found him a job and tried his best for him.
Unexpectedly, SS turned up at a family funeral. We had not seen him for about 20 years. He was still arrogant and cocky
We live near the seaside and he asked if he could come to visit with his girlfriend. My DH was quite chuffed that he had made contact. Prodigal son and all that!
At the same time I had inherited a flat nearby and was planning to rent it out. Against my wishes, my DH mentioned this to SS and they asked if they could move in. This meant them moving about 1 ½ hours away from where they were currently living.
I was not keen on the idea but was practically over ruled by the three of them. We were in the process of renovating the flat so they stayed with us for a couple of weeks until they could move in. They pushed to move in so much I said they could providing they finished off the work. It was only a bit of painting.
We did all sort of extra stuff to the flat at their request. I ended up taking out a bank loan because I ran out of money due to all the extras.
They moved in. I said they didn’t need to give me a deposit and they could have the first month rent free. My DH also said they could have reduced rent – without consulting me first. I was fuming and felt that the was siding with them on everything
Neither of them had jobs at this point. My DH help SS to get a few jobs as he had a trade. After a few jobs my DH said that he could get his own work now as he knew people and had established himself. I don’t think he even tried to find work.
He used to borrow our car regularly, even though he had his own car. He never paid for petrol. They used to come round when I was at work and ask my DH to feed them as they had no money.
Long story a bit shorter. They paid three months’ rent and then stopped paying. This went on for a few months despite us asking for the rent. SS left his GF and went back home. She moved back to her mothers. She was pregnant by now.
We went to the flat after they left (as landlord I had a key) and it looked like they still lived there. There was washing up in the sink, food in the fridge etc. The painting they said they would do hadn’t been done and it looked like the place hadn’t been cleaned since they moved in. There was mould everywhere as they had not been using the extractor fans or opening the windows. The utility bills had not been paid.
We asked them over and over to come and clear the flat. They never turned up. Three months later we ended up clearing the flat and putting everything in storage for them to collect. They finally collected it about three months later.
From beginning to end this was about nine months. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and ended up with shingles because of the stress. I felt like my DH was putting them before me. I was on the verge of giving him an ultimatum – me or them – it got so bad.
Back to the present and the GF is saying she wants to apologise for what happened. She came round with her two boys as she was visiting the area on holiday. My DH gave her some money for the boys. She asked if they could call him grandad as they had no father figure in their life.
She is asking to call round again to see me.
AIBU in that I don’t want to get involved with her again. She is blamed the SS for all of the stuff that happened. In truth she was work shy and just wanted to get pregnant.
My DH is as soft as they come and she know this. She even said to him that it would be nice to move back down here as it is a better place for her children to grow up. I have an excellent new tenant in my property so that is out of the question.
Red lights are flashing everywhere for me.
I do feel sorry for the children who have no father in their life but this is not my responsibility.
AIBU in not wanting to go down this path again.
Sorry this is so long
She would get a very harsh response from me and if I knew where she was staying now I would pursue her through the courts for all the expense I incurred as a result of her damage to the flat and having to store her belongings. But then I am very vindictive.
I 100% agree with you on this pink! They had their chances for long enough! Sound very entitled! I would not want any contact with them, you were very good as was your husband and they took you for a ride! I think you need to talk to your husband
I would be very wary of her!! I'd definitely keep her away from your son but it's a pity your husband is so taken by her!
If you do meet, for the sake of peace from your husband, make it, as others have already said, somewhere away from your home so upu can leave whenever you want!
Make it clear as day to both your husband and her that there is no room in your home for her & her children, and that the flat is yours alone and you already have a good tenant there that you will not move on!!
Good luck
Recipe for disaster Cosmos. Does your DH like this person? She sounds awful to me and a "taker".
Do you know she is about to move in again?
I hope you don't get landed again. Some people have no shame.
Tell her and DH that your own DS must have priority now
If your DH is such a softie as you suggest why isn't he soft to you?
Your husband was generous with your flat and good will. I hope you get him to see sense. I think the young couple are too much of a burden for you and your husband to carry.
PinkCosmos
Gloriany - SS is about 40 now (according to my calculations) and GF is about 35.
SS treated my husband really badly (in my opinion) during the time they lived in the flat. SS was not interested in maintaining a relationship with my DH after DH split up from his mother. My DH did try but the effort was all one sided.
SS has not even seen his own son so I don't know why my DH should be regretting the past, other than regretting ever taking him on as a SS.
During the nine months they lived at the flat, the effort was still all one sided!
PinkCosmos I don't think the reasons why contact is lost really matter. No one who has responsibility for a child for 10 years can ever really totally distance themselves. Especially if that child grew up to have problems.
The regret is looking at the 6 year old who is now the age his father was when your DH was his step father, and thinking about what happened to the SS. He may think if he is involved in the child's life the child will have a better future than the SS. The fact that the SS hasn't had contact will only make him feel worse. The fact that he tried with the SS and failed time after time won't be a comfort. He may still feel the child deserves something.
I think if you could just help your DH by getting him to talk about how he feels and without insisting it isn't his fault, because he may be absolutely aware of that, and still feel an emotional responsibility it would help.
You could at the same time ensure you are personally financially protected, because the mother may be after money , so I think it is important.
But whatever is happening I think your DHs actions in the past and now show he does care about these people.
Pink Cosmos I am sorry you are having to deal with this. The issue is your husband really. You have to talk to him, and you have to ensure that you are not browbeaten again.
If he wants to maintain contact then that is his prerogative but not at your expense, emotionally and possibly financially. Tell him he can meet her elsewhere if he wants to, you will not attend and that you will not countenance her staying at the house. If he won't listen, then that is a separate issue about mutual respect and care 
I think you will have to have a hard conversation with your husband. Make it clear that the flat is out of bounds and not up for grabs, they will not ever stay over and you don't want a relationship with them. Tell her you have no wish for a relationship. I think you might need to make it clear to your husband that if he offers support to them, you will walk away. Do you have a shared bank account? It might be in your interest to have one that only you can access. My extended family had a situation which was similar and they were taken to the cleaners by a young woman claiming she had rights. She didn't buy she caused a huge upset at the time. Good luck
Madgran - I agree with everything you say. I did have it out with him and felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I do fear that history could repeat itself. I am feeling really stressed and anxious just thinking about it all.
I am wondering if she thinks we still have a couple of spare bedrooms, as we had before, so that she can invite herself and the children down for weekends. We don't have any spare bedrooms now. My son is back living at home and the other room is now a study.
Gloriany - SS is about 40 now (according to my calculations) and GF is about 35.
SS treated my husband really badly (in my opinion) during the time they lived in the flat. SS was not interested in maintaining a relationship with my DH after DH split up from his mother. My DH did try but the effort was all one sided.
SS has not even seen his own son so I don't know why my DH should be regretting the past, other than regretting ever taking him on as a SS.
During the nine months they lived at the flat, the effort was still all one sided!
You need to discuss this very frankly with your husband. Did you ever have it out with him for basically taking over YOUR inherited flat and overriding your wishes? With her arrival I think you are in danger of something similar being repeated. He needs to think carefully about his priorities in relationships. You are worth more than this
I find it very odd to blame the GF for all the things that went on The SS is obviously older than her if he is 40 and she has a 3 year old. Perhaps she did want a baby but he was old enough to refuse. I suspect your DH is feeling guilty about the no contact and the SS failures. There is a 6 year old involved who has no contact with his father, your DH took responsibility for the child's father for 10 years. He may now be looking at this child and regretting the past. I'd be very careful about insisting on no contact, that may very well result in him contacting her in secret. You need to find you exactly what his feelings really are and then support him to do what he feels is necessary on the understanding that you are not personally involved.
My thoughts too silverlining48.
Be wary Cosmos - and tell your husband that you are afraid of everything going pear-shaped again.
The child shouldn't really be calling him "grandad" because the relationship is tenuous as best.
I expect your softie husband was pleased though as he loved his step-son once (if not any more).
You should speak honestly to your husband. Try to encourage him to see that you must not to go down that destructive path again.
I'd suggest you do not invite them to your home. If you need to meet at all a café is best.
Good luck.
Doesn’t sound promising given the history so I would be wary cosmos and take things slowly. If you do meet then maybe a cafe or somewhere neutral so that you can leave when you want.
pandapatch
I am a bit confused, is the SS the father of either of the children? The ex gf was only in your life for about 9 months 6 years ago, so you obviously have no obligations there. Have you seen SS during these 6 years? What does your DH think about all this?
SS is the father of the eldest child but he has never even seen him. I don't know who the father is of the younger child but he is not on the scene either.
Yes, she was only in our life for about 9 months so I don't feel like I have any responsibility or obligation towards her at all.
My DH is a pushover but I think he was shocked when she asked if her sons could call him grandad. It's not like he has had an ongoing relationship with SS
I don't want anything to do with her, to put it bluntly, she contributed to the situation last time, though she is blaming it all on the SS now. She used to be always ringing my DH up to ferry her around as she had no car and didn't drive.
I felt like I was totally used and abused by both of them
I am not completely hard hearted and sympathise with her position, but I just can't go through all that stress again.
No you are not being unreasonable PinkCosmos. If you are happy to meet up either at your house or somewhere else so she can apologise to you in person, then tell your DH that that is all you are prepared to do, and want no further contact.
Glorianny
I'm not clear who is the father of the eldest child, is it the SS? If so your DH seems to have taken on board some parental duties for him and may therefore feel some responsibility for the child. You need to discuss it with him. If he does feel like that it would be better if you could agree a form of support that you could both live with. That doesn't mean giving her the flat. You could offer occasional breaks for her and the children, or just the eldest child.
If you cut her out completely there is the possibility that your DH may blame you for any family split.
The father of the eldest child is my DH's step son who he did not see after he got divorced until he turned up at a funeral. So about 20 years of no contact until then. SS is about 40 now so not young.
GF was pregnant when they left the flat. This is the first time we have heard from her for about 6 years.
We have no family connection to either of them.
My DH's ex wife died about 5 years ago. SS dad died about 25 years ago.
I'd not get involved either.
If your DH wants a relationship with her because of his (presumably) step-grandson tell him that he will have to meet them elsewhere.
Yes, she does sound manipulative.
The flat is, I hope, just in your name and yours to rent to whoever you wish.
Don't be steam-rollered by your DH and this woman.
AIBU in not wanting to go down this path again.
Not at all.
Good luck.
I would simply say you'd be happy to meet her for a coffee somewhere if she's in the area.
I'd not get involved to be honest.
I am a bit confused, is the SS the father of either of the children? The ex gf was only in your life for about 9 months 6 years ago, so you obviously have no obligations there. Have you seen SS during these 6 years? What does your DH think about all this?
Had she been genuinely sorry for all the trouble and expence they had both caused wouldn't you think she would have come with some cash to reimburse you?
I think you are right to be cautious.
I would let her know that you accept her apology... but apart from that you should tell husband what you have told us...
This relationship has done you too much damage to continue it
I worry that all the detail you’ve given might make you identifiable, PinkCosmos. If you’re not concerned about that, just ignore me. 
Sorry, I've just realised he is your DH's step son. I wonder if the GF has already visited his ex and her new partner.
I think red flags too. I wouldn't want her back in my life, I suspect she's a chancer hoping to get whatever she can from you and your DH. I think she's turned up now because of the economic situation we are all facing, she's waited six years to make contact.
I do think she has appealed to the hero in your husband, who is obviously disappointed in his son leaving her as a single parent to his grandson. Perhaps suggest to him you set up a savings account for him, but I would discourage visits. Good luck.
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
