Elderly Mother + Family Event

As an 'Elderly' etc. Mum - but (I think) was all my mental capacity - I feel it should be my decision as to whether I am up to attending any event. Yes, I do need to rely on my local daughter and family to transport me to such things, and, yes, they often do tire me out. Wonderful way to get tired out!!!

Without such events to look forward to and to enjoy, I might just as well curl up and die now!!

Maddyone, I agree with you. My father who was 92 when he died, was determined to go places and we supported him as much as we could. Everyone thought he was wonderful for wanting to do things and go places. It took it’s toll on me, physically and mentally, and two years after he died I still have feelings of guilt that I could have done more. The main issues were toileting ones and accessibility. We planned on paying for carers so he could attend my daughter’s wedding or at least part of it but, sadly, he died a few months before it. It’s a difficult one but please watch your own physical and mental health and whatever you do, don’t feel guilty!

Excellent posts Nansnet. People who glibly tell the OP that the frail and elderly mother should decide for herself have clearly never dealt with a frail, elderly parent who simply cannot manage life any longer without special aids and carers doing everything for them. My mother cannot manage her toilet needs independently any longer, despite living in a purpose built care home with purpose built en-suite bathrooms. She needs a carer to help her, support her, clean her, and settle her back into bed, or her raised easy chair. The last time we took her out, to our son’s house, was a nightmare for us. She couldn’t lift her foot the couple of inches required to get over the one step at the door. It took my son and my husband to lift her out of the easy chair she sat in. Luckily it was a short visit and she didn’t need the toilet. I’m 68 and my husband is 69. We are ourselves too old to be lifting her, she’s not a lightweight, she weighs nearly 13 stone. If I had agreed, my mother would have gone with us to our son’s house on Christmas Day. I make the decision, supported by my husband, that I’m no longer able to take full responsibility for her safety outside of her home, except to take her for a walk in her wheelchair around the local area. I have to take my husband with me though as I’m unable to push her in her wheelchair because I have arthritis in my hands and pushing the chair causes me pain, and I have suffered from sciatica in the past, and the last time I pushed her in her chair I put my back out and suffered sciatic pain for the next week. So MissAdventure where are my rights and my husband’s rights to remain well in all of this. Or do the rights of my mother trump anyone else’s rights?

OP, I suggest you do some research about the venue. Find out what the situation is and if your mother would be safe and comfortable. Consider yourself too. How will you manage to meet mother’s needs? You know her level of frailty, no one else on here does. You know what she can manage, but no one else on here does. Also, please consider yourself and your own right to enjoy the event. Your mother is old and has lived a long life. You are an older adult yourself and you must consider your own needs and abilities. If you cannot manage your mother’s needs on this occasion, please do not feel guilty. Just enjoy the occasion, knowing you provide good care for your elderly mother at home.

I dealt with a frail elderly mother.
Just me and my daughter.

Ffion please don’t feel guilty about your father. You did everything you could whilst he was alive.

I lost my mother when I was 6. My father died in his 60s but it was a very short illness so no opportunity to look after him. It’s easy for me to say but I only wish I had them in my life for longer. I would have done anything for them. I have some idea of the caring role as I helped to look after my FIL and Mil. MiL lived with me for a short while. Yes it was hard work. If you plan in advance and get as much help from others as is possible please make this happen for your Mum.

My mother is 94. It’s vastly different dealing with a 94 year old, even than dealing with a slightly younger elderly parent. Even when she still lived at home we did all her washing, all her shopping, took her to all of her many medical appointments, and until six months ago we took mother to all family events. After three falls in the last year, and hospitalisations, and now living in a care home, I am no longer prepared to take her out because it’s a risk to her, and a risk to me.

MissAdventure please address the point I raised, where are my rights and my husband’s rights to remain well in all of all this?

My son no:2 has just moved to Jersey and has asked my 92 year old mum if she’d like to visit. She really wants to and I will bring her out here in the Spring .... however it’s going to be a logistical nightmare getting her out here with wheelchair, Zimmer, airport assistance etc I fly back home later today so I’m going to make some enquiries at the airport as to what help is available. She’s quite demanding too, must eat at certain times, and dictates where we should go etc so watch this space ?

You are basing all of this on your own circumstances, maddy.
How can I possibly answer, because we aren't talking about your mum.
We are talking about somebody different, in different circumstances.

I’m beginning to think many posters don’t have the first idea about looking after a 94 year old. The OP is asking for advice, I have given her advice based on years of looking after an elderly parent, most posters seem unable to grasp the difficulties in this.

MissAdventure

I dealt with a frail elderly mother. Just me and my daughter.

You are also basing your answer on personal experience. I would say to you walk a mile in my shoes.

Then you will understand the difficulties.

It isnt a judgement, maddy.
It's just a difference of opinion.

Towards the end of her life my mother was very frail and although we all wanted to keep her safe and cosseted we realised that she really enjoyed any sort of social outing and we therefore made sure that she did attend family events. If we had stopped doing this I think she would have been in danger of becoming depressed. Even though she always ended up tired, going out also boosted her spirits a little. We all need things to look forward to and if you can all work together to make her trip run as smoothly as possible I think she should go.

Coconut
I arranged a number of flights for my mother, so she could return home after I drove her down to visit us. Now she lives near us, but she hasn’t always. The airlines provide disability care, they take the elderly person in a wheelchair, there are special places where the person in wheelchair is lifted into the plane. The same at the other end, it’s a wonderful service. However the person must be able to get out of their wheelchair and into a seat on the plane.
Have a good trip.

Thank you MissAdventure.

Each person is different and must be handled accordingly and only those who know them well can determine what is best for that individual. Its such a sad situation because the elderly loved one wants to be included in family occasions, as they always have been, but situations change along the way which makes what was once a no brainer, now it is a very difficult and upsetting problem.

Hats off to all you who have had past experience or still experience the day to day care of a loved one due to their incapacity, whatever the circumstances.
I have been in a caring role for both my parents and had to support them whilst they made decisions on going to events. Realistically and fairly it is important to help them to make an informed decision.
To those of you who have now lost their loved ones, I feel for you, I understand your loss and I find it hurtful for some to pass judgement when they haven't experienced it for themselves.
Before you pass comment, before you judge, stop and think....put yourself in someone else's situation. I've cleared faeces from the back seat of my car, I've had to make unplanned stops for refreshments, I've done excursions at someone else's request and I've driven long hours and many miles......even after a shift at work......because I loved my mum and dad. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat!! !!

Just talk to your Mum and see what she thinks. We had to stop taking MIL to family events, it turned out she didn’t enjoy them. She dislikes the noise and energy of children, doesn’t hear too well and couldn’t follow conversations, couldn’t nap when she needed too and now doesn’t enjoy too much company. She prefers individual visits with just one child.

A brilliant idea to hire a carer for a couple of days to help out and allow you to enjoy the event too. Good luck.

Is the pandemic over then?

Is there any way that the journey could be taken in stages or maybe that she arrives the day before, so stays over for 2 nights instead of just the night over the event ?
She may well enjoy the event and you can always make sure that she has a quiet time once she returns home.

My husband and I have two elderly parents who are both becoming harder to take away with us.
We've had the 94 year old with us, here at home for three nights and then away for four nights, over New Year.
She brought her mobility aids with her ie wheelchair, walker, raised seat toilet frame. I'd booked the disabled room for her over New Year.
We went as a big family group on an afternoon outing to a National Trust property, she really enjoyed herself and was very pleased and grateful to have been included.

However, we've got a four night trip to London booked for June which I don't consider suitable for the 91 year old (who is actually far more able-bodied than the 94 year old). Lots of walking and steps for a start!
I've explained that I'm not inviting him, and why. He was quite put-out but I know from experience it would be a struggle for him and therefore unenjoyable for all of us.

I think you have to do a thorough common-sense risk assessment and decide each event on a case by case basis.

It's hard not to feel guilty sometimes as we've all done a lot together over the years, but I can't always restrict my life to their diminishing levels of ability.
We do have a holiday booked for April with both of them, to a place we've been before and we know is suitable.
I have to remind myself, they never took their own elderly parents on holiday anywhere!

None of our four parents ever looked after their parents at all. The parents lived at home until they either died or went into care. My mother lost her father when she was 30 and her mother when she was 56. Her mother spent her last five years in in a care home, so my mother gave no care at all except visiting, after she was 51 years old. It’s vastly different when the surviving parent is 94, almost totally immobile, and can do little for herself apart from feed herself. For a person who feels that writing a few Christmas cards is too much for her, how can she possibly be fit enough to go out to functions, without knowing the level of disability provision at the venue?
So you’re right V3ra, in that many people gave little or no care to elderly parents because they died before reaching the great ages that many people now reach. It now frequently falls on people who are in their sixties and seventies to look after people in their nineties. Many of the people who look after the very old are quite old themselves and often have conditions and disabilities of their own. They are also often looking after grandchildren too. The best they can do is consider the needs of everyone, and they absolutely should not try to do everything and in doing so, ruin their own health and retirement.

We're called the sandwich generation

Sadly this sandwich situation will continue in the future, aggravated by generational differences.