Daughter out all night

This is honestly not something worth risking a quarrel with your daughter about, IMO.

You have told her you worry if you discover that she has not come home. She does not see that as any reason why she should text you to say she will not be back.

Inconsiderate? Yes, from your point of view, but from hers you are the unreasonable one.

She is 29. Allow her to take responsibility for herself and don't go on about this.

Long before mobile phones and text messaging when I was 29 and living on my own, my mother phoned one evening and when I didn't answer the phone for the very good reason that I was not at home, she actually rang two of my friends to ask if they knew where I was! At half-past eight in the evening!

I was furious, and hideously embarrassed with her behaviour, so I sympathise with your daughter.

Of course you are going to worry, so should at least let you know she won't be back that night. She probably has been away from under your roof for so long now she can't see she's doing anything wrong.

I'm gonna say it -your house :your rules! She's acting like a teen again ,I can understand her but whilst she's living with you she needs to find some common manners! I'm sure you brought her up better than her current rudeness!? Also, in the light of tragic losses of young women to the monsters that are out there, safety should be a priority, tell her you're not interested in her social life but in her life continuing so in future maybe a heads up that's she actually safe will be given? How would she like her own DD to not keep her in safety loop?.......

OP

Before they moved in, did you talk about what rules to follow?

She is now an adult and some rules may seem too much for her, as she already expressed to you

She is a roommate/flatmate

Some roommates agree to let each other know of some events, some roommates don't

If you talk to her about it, please do not mention that "you worry, you want to make sure she is ok"
That infantalizes her as if she cannot take care of herself.

It reminds me of doing something similar at a similar age back in the 60s when I had moved back temporarily with my parents as a last push to save for a house deposit.

When I got home I was sat down and they both gave me a telling off. I was incensed at the time but now I'm a firm believer in your house, your rules. There were no mobile phones back then whereas now how easy it would have been for your daughter to send a quick text to let you know.

I'm in the "it would be polite to let you know camp". As long as you aren't judgemental about it then I can see why it would be an issue.
Obviously if the daughter was left with you that would be a different scenario.

Basic courtesy. You don’t need to know where, just whether she’ll be back. When DD stayed with us until she bought a house, she told us before she went out. Now a text is easier even if it’s a last minute decision.

She should let you know so you can lock up.

Hetty58

MissAdventure, it doesn't make sense to me. An adult with a key doesn't need tracking. Her mother can't know where she is or when she gets in usually, so why suddenly change when she's staying? I think it's far too controlling - and treating her like a child.

But if the OP told her daughter she was going out for a couple of hours and then decided to stay out all night without telling anyone would you find that acceptable?
I imagine her daughter would be worried sick and furious her mother didn't send her a quick text.

Daughter, in her 30s recently moved back home to do a uni course. She always lets us know whether or not she will be back or if she is maybe going to stay over with a friend. It gives me peace of mind. The same if she will be home for dinner in the evening. Just basic curtesy, not being controlling.

I so feel that she should just send a text that shes staying out ..regardless of her age you will be on tenterhooks until shes home..Your Daughter may have a boyfriend while trying to get her head round the split ..a distraction...Ask her how she feels about everything if u havent already .

She is an adult, used to living her own life - infantilising and regressing her to a dependant child is unhealthy. She’s nearly 30!

I understand you love her. Your ‘worry’ is misplaced and your wanting to keep tabs on her is not okay.

Lock up as you would usually. Allow her to be a grownup without need to explain herself to Mummy. She needs her independence and freedom to rebuild her life as a single parent after this breakup. Was her ex controlling?

Please try not to demand she behave like an early teenager. She’s a grown woman and a mother who is with you due to the breakup and will be back in an independent home soon enough.

Undermining that and her self esteem and confidence at this difficult time for her is just wrong.

My son has moved back with me for 6 month . I accepted very quickly that he has lived alone for the past 5 years & does not need to tell me if he decides to stay at a friends over night . Sometimes he goes out & tells me he’s not sure if he will be home or not. He says some nights he is having such a good time it’s 3 pm & he doesn’t want to message me that late & wake me up just to say he won’t be home . At first I did stress when I woke & he still wasn’t home but this was my problem not his & I soon accepted that he is an adult & is allowed to stay out without my permission. The fact that you are there when she needs you is fantastic. Don’t fall out over it , learn to chill & you may think it’s disrespectful but live with it , times have changed & I now go with the flow . Anything for a stress free me ?

greenlady102

Ali08

It doesn't matter how old she is, it's about safety as much as anything!
What if there was a fire? Are you going to send fire fighters in just in case she might be in, and put their lives in danger?
What if you think she's at a friend's but she's been in an accident and no one has known to contact you?
She definitely should respect you enough to let you know she will be out, it's just good manners imo!!

the who is in the house of there is a fire issue is an important one.....its a pity that your door doesn't have a lock like mine where I lock it and leave the key in the lock. It means that i know where the key is if I need to get out quickly but it cannot be opened by key from the outside. If someone who is staying with me is out at night then I need to know whether they are coming back or not in order to know whether to lock the door or not!

I once went to a safety talk by the fire service and was told not to leave the key fully in the lock if a neighbour has a spare key. As I want to be able to get out quickly, I leave the key in the lock but pulled out part way - so I can use it in the dark without fumbling yet my neighbour can still use his key from the outside.

I also have a key safe so could let 999 know the code to let themselves in as long as I have not left the key in fully.

I'm assuming that she is paying her share of the bills and is therefore in effect a co-tenant. She is therefore free to make her own decisions when her child is with it's father. I would just assume that she will take advantage of her free time and stay out all night.... lock up and stop worrying. If she returns and finds the house locked she might think to txt you in future out of respect for you..

My son is 21 and has come home for the holidays. I expect that he will do me the courtesy of letting me know if he is not coming home so I can lock up. I don't need to know where he is (he tells me anyway) but when they were younger, I taught them to always let somebody know where they were going so we would know where to start looking if anything untoward happened to them.
Being an adult with all its privileges is fine but. you also need to act like an adult which means being considerate to the other members of your household.

Just ask her whether you should bolt the door tonight.or if she will. If she says she doesn't know say issue needs resolving as you feel uncomfortable if it is left unbolted all night.

Take it DD is paying for staying with you, sees to all her own needs and looks after her child herself in other words is a responsible adult. That being the case then she is basically a lodger so can come and go as she pleases. If you are involved in her life in any way then she could at least give you a bit of respect and let you know if she won't be home as planned. Out 3 times a week, that would go some way to paying a rent for her own place. Sounds hard, I know, but at 29 and having responsibilities she has to accept they are hers and not yours.

Ask her to send you text message when she does this even if the message is sent in the early hours of the morning. That way, when you wake up, you can check first and you won't just see the empty bed, which is worrying. I've explained to my adult children it isn't that I'm checking up on them, I just want to know they are safe and then I won't worry.

Ali08

It doesn't matter how old she is, it's about safety as much as anything!
What if there was a fire? Are you going to send fire fighters in just in case she might be in, and put their lives in danger?
What if you think she's at a friend's but she's been in an accident and no one has known to contact you?
She definitely should respect you enough to let you know she will be out, it's just good manners imo!!

the who is in the house of there is a fire issue is an important one.....its a pity that your door doesn't have a lock like mine where I lock it and leave the key in the lock. It means that i know where the key is if I need to get out quickly but it cannot be opened by key from the outside. If someone who is staying with me is out at night then I need to know whether they are coming back or not in order to know whether to lock the door or not!

Absolutely right on all counts Dickens

love0c

She has a two year old daughter. She is just assuming she can leave her with her mother. Abdicating her responsibility. She is definitely behaving like teenager. So many youngsters behave like this. They do what they want and to hell with anything that gets in their way.

She doesn't leave her daughter with her mother - on the nights she stays out, the child is with the father.

And at nearly 30 years of age, she's hardly a youngster!

The issue is - to my mind anyway - one of simple courtesy. If you live in your own home you can come and go as you please, but if you are in someone else's home, it's just common courtesy to - within reasonable limits - let that person know if you plan to be away for any length of time. For practical reasons as much as anything else.

She has a two year old daughter. She is just assuming she can leave her with her mother. Abdicating her responsibility. She is definitely behaving like teenager. So many youngsters behave like this. They do what they want and to hell with anything that gets in their way.

When I read this I assumed she was about 16 . She is an adult, her child is being cared for and whilst her manners might be a tad lacking I think you need to butt out.

Surely adult family members who share a house tell each other their plans?
Our son lives here and he'll say if he's going to be out for dinner for example, and he always comes and says hello when he gets back or lets us know as he's going out.
We do the same. Why wouldn't we? It's just good manners ?

To me it's not so much about muggle1965 treating her daughter as a child, it's about her daughter not behaving as an adult.