A bit more thoughtfulness from adult son

Thinking backwards, I would take my parents around as they did not drive. But never occured to me to suggest that i do jobs in their home for them.
I do still have guilt feelings that I should have been able to see my Dad more, after my Mum died. But I was busy with a large family, and a disabled hubbie. When he offered to come to do some decorating for me, I was extremely grateful. He is nearly 80 years old then. Did not occur to me that he was old - he was just my Dad.
I am now that age, so see things very differently. However, I accept that my children have their own busy lives. Have a daughter who lives nearby, and if I asked for assistance with something, would probably try to give it - but her priority is (correctly IMO), her own children and hubbie.

I was going to say just what BlueberryPie said! It is a kind of compliment really, they see us as the capable parents and don't realise we are getting older and perhaps can't manage quite as well as we used to. The text shows he thinks about you in a nice way. Perhaps just ask for some help with a specific task, if he's like my son it simply won't have occurred to him that you could do with a helping hand

Since my DSs both live 150 miles away, the issue would never arise in my circumstances. If I did have alterations/renovations done, I wouldn't hesitate to get in a cleaning agency to do a thorough deep clean. And I wouldn't be very surprised if one or both of my sons offered to pay for the cleaning. So I say to the OP: don't hesitate to get in the professionals who will probably do a far better job than your son would if he felt pressurised to help.

Who says son has time to offer to clean up? It was good of him to offer the use of his bathroom. I tend to be of the mind that if you can afford renovations, you can afford to pay for someone to clean up afterwards if you can't do it yourself.

I dont think this is about getting or not getting a cleaner but the fact that the offer of practical help was not forthcoming despite no doubt all the help that the OPs son has had from his now clearly exhausted parents.
Its about thoughtfulness and consideration. If they asked him directly he would doubtless help but the offer to help is the thing we woukd hope for.

Surely when you've spent a lot of money on renovations, paying a cleaner for a few hours work should be a necessity. You wouldn't do the trade work yourself - why kill yourself with the clean up job ?

I think grown kids really are used to us being the parent. Must be nice, right?

Also, we've been where they are but they haven't been where we are so they can be clueless sometimes as well about aging related changes.

Finally, they're often in the heaviest responsibility years of their own lives, with jobs, mortgages and kids.

I definitely get it, though. Sometimes I get annoyed or worse with mine too and wonder if I spoiled them or what.

Then I eventually either let it slide or say something to them. Like maybe even as easy as acknowledging what he texted you about, then going on to tell him what's going on there. And asking for specific assistance, if hands-on help is needed from him.

Grandmadinosaur, I guess your son simply has never learned that aging parents need help sometimes. Or maybe he has never learned that parents are part of his family in the sense that his household and parents' household constantly help each other.

Still, offering the use of his bathroom is a good sign, and you can build on this and ask him quietly and without resentment if he will help with whatever. He may have no notion that your are very tired.

It is no wonder if you have over- tired yourself with all the upset and maybe financial worry too. I do hope you can get cleaners in.

What seems important to you , is not always obvious to adult children and I think we have all been guilty of assuming that they will do what we want without being asked!
If you can afford it, I'd get cleaners in - if you belong to your community facebook group, ask for recommendations.

Re the cleaner - the work on your house probably cost you £000s, and was worth every penny, so why stint on a cleaner? Hope you feel brighter very soon.

It’s probably something about being a man too (apologies you men, just my observation) as they are less likely to pick up on hints, or feelings. He probably assumes if he doesn’t hear anything to the contrary you’re both doing fine. Also AC have no idea of the loss of strength as we get older. Why would they? The number of times since I’ve got older I’ve regretted DM&D ‘managing’ when they probably couldn’t. Ask him to do a specific job to get him involved, something that’s difficult for you two, but definitely get cleaners in for a ‘deep clean’, worth every penny and more. Ours took 6 hours at £12.50 an hour, admittedly some years ago. Do not listen to OH, just do it! Ours was so good we booked her every week. Still coming, she’s brilliant. Hope you are pleased with your house.

I find there is a fine line between offering help to my Mum (90) and taking away her independence.
She is/always has been very independent, and I almost have to guess which things are becoming a struggle for her.
Recently I took over changing/washing/drying her bedding, which she admits is a great help, but she insists on still doing her clothes washing.
I found out last week that she has been taking her cordless vacuum cleaner upstairs to use, as she has forgotten/doesn't know how to empty the upstairs one. How she has been doing this is a mystery, as we have had to have a second handrail fitted just so she can manage the stairs! I've offered to do the actual vacuuming for her, but she insists she can manage. ( She has at least consented to me doing the stairs carpet, as her hand held vac is a little heavy)
I try to do things as I notice them,( ie weeding her front steps) but don't want her to feel that I think she can't cope.
I am an only child, so there is only me and DH to help. To the OP - please ask if you need help, your son just may not realise. Otherwise, do the cleaning a little at a time, even 30 mins a day will eventually get it done! x

maybe he doesn't like cleaning and it would never occur to him anyway.
can't you pay to have professionals do it.
see it as part of completing the building works.
worth the outlay.
life is short. tell people what you mean, what you want.

CafeAuLait

I think it can be hard to see your parents as getting older. Maybe it's a bit like them always seeing us as younger than we actually are? Sometimes I look at my eldest child and think about how old they are getting and think, wow! How did my baby get to be so grown up? I know my parents feel the same way about me.

I personally wouldn't volunteer to help my mother clean up at this stage. She's still very capable and I don't think she wouldn't want me to help. She's very particular about how things should be done and doing them her way. I would leave her to ask if she wanted help.

We had a conversation when I was in my mid-teams where she went off on one of her regular rants about how we never helped around the house. I shot back, "Don't say that because I have offered to help many times and you always say you prefer to do it your way and don't want me to help. So don't complain if I've given up offering because you never let me!" Never had another one of those rants after that because she knew it was true.

Is there anything like that, OP, that could discourage your son from offering?

Oh yes, been there! Mum in kitchen "Can I do anything to help, Mum?"
"No, I'm better off doing it on my own. I can't concentrate with someone else around"
So I sit at the dining room table reading my paper but within earshot in case she needs anything.
"Wish I had time to just sit about and read a paper!"
Can't win!

I would be more likely to ask my OH to make time from his busy schedule to help clean, than ask my adult children.
But all families interact in different ways as this thread shows.

Grandmadinosaur maybe start a conversation with your son saying it would be nice if he asked how you are sometimes as it would mean a lot to you? That may be all that’s needed for him to realise that he doesn’t.

I'm the first one to offer help and on the whole it's been a two way street" my daughter has nevr asked me through the Pandemic if I am ok or if I need anything, I am widowed and been very lonely at times. Every now and then she send a joke text but never a message. She will take me out for a nice meal, very rushed though about four times a year. It's obvious she doesn't care, is just ticking me off a list, but I don't sever contact as it wouldn't matter to her but I would never know how she was if I did,. It different my , to a son or daughter just being thoughtless, we all can at times and I would not make anything of it.

CafeAuLait
Again, agree word for word

JaneJudge your son sounds like a hoot. That made me laugh.

They helped with all the decoration and refurbishment that was needed.

I don't have time to refurbish my own home let alone my parent's or anyone else's. If I urgently need something done, I pay people to come in and do it. I don't expect my children to come do it for me. They have busy lives too.

Hi Grandmadinasaur
You do sound like you're exhausted from all the work and clearing up that follows.
I hope you can relax and enjoy the new comfort you will find with the improvements you have made.
I understand where you are coming from, and the disappointment you feel at your son's apparent lack of understanding of your situation. As you say it's just asking how you are and the offer of help is so important.
Generally we do a lot to help our AC and they in turn are more than that when we need a hand, as in when we moved home a few years ago. They helped with all the decoration and refurbishment that was needed.
Hopefully you can speak to your son and say how you feel, maybe he has got a lot going on and just did not think.
I hope you feel better soon, be good to yourself and your DH. Do something nice for yourselves.
As MOnica said earlier, our AC don't realise we parents are ageing and not as fit and able as we used to be.
I do remind ours sometimes!

Galaxy I am not talking routine cleaning, but if I had a lot of clearing up to do after builders etc, I wouldn't think twice about asking. Currently I am fit and well and can manage everything, but since DH's illness, he is still an invalid, Both AC have helped me with odd jobs that need 2 people, from wallpapering a 10 foot tall wall, to cutting wood and moving a couple of paving slabs.

My dad would no more ask me to help clean than fly to the moon. And I would not offer to help him clean. I am laughing just thinking about it. This doesnt mean we arent very close.

I laughed at the OP as one of my sons is just like this. He never asks how I am, he just texts me either about politics or football. I sent him a text saying, Hi, I have been dead for a week, thanks for asking if I am ok and he just did the crying face emoji

Sara37, there we differ, I would include odd bits of cleaning or anything that needed to be done as well as those things that couldn't be done with out some help - and it works both ways - we got stuck in, still do on occasion, when AC need help with anything.

Grandmadinosaur, I wouldn't even bother asking for help (unless desperate) from my adult children. Their efforts would be far below my standards anyway.

After a rewire, I took my time clearing all the dust, room by room, closing doors, as I don't even use most of the rooms here - so why the rush?