Looking after family

The more you give,the more they will let you,STAND your ground.
Nothing comes for free,and i agree with other posters,the conversation should have happened before they moved in.
Hindsight is a great thing.

Aiden2, I had this problem with my eldest son. He was working and earning well - yet flatly refused to make a contribution to the household budget.

'I shouldn't have to pay to live in my home, my friends don't!' he said.

I wrote it all down (all the bills) totalled - then divided equally between the five wage earners. Still, he refused.

Under pressure from his younger (bill paying) siblings, I invited the police to have a little word with him. They pointed out that he was an adult and I had every right to throw him out. Then he agreed!

If you can afford to support your family to give them a head start that is lovely. Not everyone can though.

Our son and partner lived with us for 2 years whilst they saved up a deposit, we took no money from them - they had been paying over £900 a month in rent - and they saved instead. They bought a separate fridge and shopped and cooked for themselves. They are now in their own home and we were glad to give them a headstart.

My daughter and her husband stayed with me for eighteen months while they were househuntng. They offered to pay rent but I refused. They could easily have afforded it but I could not contemplate charging my own child to stay in what is still her home, albeit not now the main one. Instead daughter shopped for and usually cooked meals. plus the odd bottle of wine or chocolates, etc for me!

Aiden2. Perhaps if you could forward more information as to why / won’t help towards bills etc; we’d understand the situation better!

OP seems to have disappeared ? !

I can't believe they wouldn’t offer to pay for food at the very least. I’m wondering how old the grandchildren are .If they are teenagers , especially boys ,they cost a lot to feed . I wouldn’t have a clue what they should pay, but the mother must know what she normally spends on food. With extra hot water and cost of running the washing machine you must be spending a lot.

If they are there long term, they should be feeding themselves and contributing towards the extra utilities as the minimum.

Again, not enough information on the circumstances or means of each side or the basis of the refusal, or the options for Dil to become employed. Unemployed Dil may not qualify for much help by way of any state benefits, if living with a relative.
What I don't understand is why OP hasn't asked her son directly for the contribution to support his family, if he is employed and the only available source of DiLs income.
This situation has the ability to
cause long term damage to the family relationships if not resolved soon.

" I would love them to give say 400 pounds a month to help with all the extra bills They refuse what do I do"

Extra bills - are you talking about food? Yes, they should be contributing.

'Refuse' - how did you ask, and how did they refuse?

If their only income is son's salary, then likely £400 is beyond their means. African currencies have been hard hit by covid. The conversion rate is very low. That 400 is more than many people earn in a month. It may well be half of son's salary after tax, and he has to live too.

Try negotiation. Maybe they can pay half that until son arrives.

Not enough info. Clarification needed

Is this another of those posts where someone dives in with a worrying question, then disappears without clarifying anything?

They should pay for their food, make a contribution to heating, water, electricity etc. £400 for 3 of them sounds fair to me.

Since you seem to be on a limited budget, perhaps you can simply ask if they con contribute some money to help out with the extra food and utility expenses and let them offer an amount.

Hi Aiden2
Your question isn’t really clear enough for anyone to say wether it’s right or wrong for them to contribute. Why have they moved in with you and what income is your dinl receiving. Maybe you could clarify.

Now that they've refused to pay the £400 you proposed, your only option seems to be to ask them what they think would be a reasonable/affordable amount and negotiate from there.

This would seem to be the best way forward now. I'm sorry you've been put in this position Aiden2, you must feel that your kind offer of help has rather been taken advantage of. But please make sure that your son is included in all negotiations; the welfare of his wife and children are his responsibility, even if he is in Africa.

As PP have said, the issue should have been discussed before they moved in. Of course you should not be significantly out of pocket by having them in your house. Now that they've refused to pay the £400 you proposed, your only option seems to be to ask them what they think would be a reasonable/affordable amount and negotiate from there.

Whilst you're having that conversation, it would be a good idea to determine just how long they plan to stay. Your son should be included in the discussions, if at all possible.

This is a very difficult situation. Whatever you do now, is likely to lead to hard feelings, so ask yourself if you can afford to pay the extra food, heating, electricity and water bills to keep on good terms with the family?

Could you perhaps compromise on a lesser amount?

If your daughter in law is earning, or on social security she really ought to be paying her and the children's expenses.

If she has no income, then things are slightly different.

Have you discussed this with your son, or only with your daughter-in-law?

If you are an OAP as I am, you probably can't afford very much extra. You could perhaps suggest that your daughter-in-law buys dinner and cooks it one day a week. She will then realise what food costs in the UK, although I have no idea how the prices compare with whichever part of Africa she has been living in.

I hope you manage to sort something out without too many hard feelings.

Have your daughter in law and grandchildren recently arrived from Africa and your son has stayed there to work ?

Is the expectation that your son will return when the wife is established here and has a job ? Or, have they split up and she has come here leaving her husband there permanently? Aiden2 as others have said there is too little information for us to really be able to comment but circumstances would be very different if he had a well paid job in Africa and was supporting his family as opposed to if she and the children had arrived and just have benefits to live on. Either way if you are having the family in your house you are entitled to ask for enough money to cover them being with you.

What chancers! Why do they have to stay with you while the husband and father is working away? Do son and DiL have a house? What ages are the DGC?
This is a total imposition on your good nature. Them not paying their way is further proof of them taking the P.

As everyone else has said this situation should have been discussed before they moved in. Your son (in Africa) is earning a wage...what is he doing with the money?? You have made it harder for yourself if nothing was put in place before your Daughter in law & grandchildren moved in. Maybe they have assumed because of this all was ok. More information would be better given to us so as we can help ana advise you more. x

Are they not paying you anything? Nobody can live anywhere (except the streets) on nothing. Of course they should pay something. Are you providing food, toiletries, etc?

they are behaving like children,would you expect to live with someone for free? It depends on their situation, have you had a talk about that?