No thank-you from unknown parents of daughters staying

As a parent with a 6th form child at an all girls boarding school (my child is a day girl). We have often had 'extras' during exeat/holidays. The school is the 'middle man' and has to ask both sets of parents if it is OK. The parents of the boarding children rely on the school to do the vetting and would have limited information. Personally I've had an email from school thanking me on the odd occasion but generally I know that if a child has appeared its all Pukka!
BTW just to add.... our child was extremely unhappy in mainstream school (suicidal) so we will live with the debt forever. Only saying as people think we have a gold mine under our council flat...!!!

I agree with you totally oldgimmer1

You're not being unreasonable. The parents of the girls ought to thank you.

If your niece enjoys having friends with her and the girls are polite and pleasant and giving her pleasure, I guess you'll want to continue to host these girls. As you say, it's nice she feels comfortable to ask you to host them.

Of course the parents should thank you, as should the hosted young person. What a nerve! It sounds like the parents don't care where their kids are so long as they are not bothering them. Poor kids.

There would never be any question of payment, that is not an issue, though pupils with nobody else to host them for these compulsory out of school periods have to go, as I said before, to an officially sanctioned (presumably paid) host.

AFAIK, the girls have to ask a parent or guardian whether it’s all right to go to Friend A’s official guardians or elsewhere, for the weekend, and the school has to know that they’ve done this, and needs to know where they will be.

I don't think the parents "need" to be involved either, but as a parent in this situation, I would want to be involved, not out of nosiness, or even curiosity, but simply to acknowledge the efforts that a complete stranger is making on behalf of my child when I am not in a position to be doing it myself.

I don't think you're unreasonable, Witzend, but quite honestly, it would never have occurred to me to expect any thanks from other parents, nor to contact the parents of people who had taken my boys home for a sleepover once they were 16 or so. We often had several friends here for gaming or practising with the band, and when they had left school they would warn us that some friends may be staying over night as they would be drinking.

Of course, your situation is different, as it is about girls, and they are away from school, not from home, but I'm still not sure the parents need to be involved.

It's open house here too.

Friends of dd's are welcome any time. I know most of the parents and any hosting I do is reciprocated. It's an unwritten agreement.

I think the OP's situation is slightly different though. The parents of the child in question are depending upon others to undertake parenting activities in lieu of themselves hence "loco parentis".

This is a regular and formalised arrangement.

I thought JaneAinsworth's reply was especially good and comprehensive.

My husband doesn't remember his parents having any contact with other parents during exeats at secondary level. He does think they had to give permission.

My own children didn't go to boarding school but if they were 17/18 I would not have expected any thanks or contact for/with the parents.

We had whole gangs of young men staying over for "gaming weekends" whose parents I never saw or heard from unless they had to drive over with the mountains of computer gear!

There may be a misunderstanding on the parents behalf? Do they think the school is responsibile and finances the arrangement? I agree it seems bad form.
When I was in boarding school and my family lived too far away to visit, my parents declined permission for me to go out with a friend and her parents.
I spent a lonely time as the only one left in school. My parents sent a packet of biscuits as compensation!

Younger children of course you expect an arrangement and a thank you but most teenagers (not in boarding school) of 16/17/18 are often sleeping over or out more than once a week and vice versa I always used to have open house as I d much rather my teenagers brought friends home than be wandering the streets Both my daughters with 16+ children often feed and sleep others and as long as they are polite and thank them they would never expect a parent to ring They are young adults and make their own arrangements
I think the young people are the ones to thank you and as long as they do and don’t cause any trouble surely it’s a win win situation

sir as I said, I must be in a parallel universe...or maybe just missing the point. .

If I were the parent of that child, I would be offering some form of financial compensation. Even if it wasn't necessary or declined. To me, that's just manners.

If the school is in loco parentis then surely the school should be ensuring that any additional expenses incurred by the child during times spent away from the school are accounted for?

If I were the parent of this child, I would be making damn sure, through the child herself or through the school, that any person taking responsibility for my child - even for a short period - is thanked for their kindness and not out of pocket.

DD was at boarding school here in Scotland and in my experience I would say by the time they reached the age of 17/18 the girls took responsibility for themselves. The school would have details of emergency contacts which would be available at any time if needed. Boarding schools do not close at the weekends and there would always be a contact should an emergency arise. I would not expect to have any contact with the parents unless at the end of the term but everyone is different.

A 17/18 year old can be at university or travelling overseas - would parents want to know where they were at all times or thank someone they were staying with for a couple of days while on a gap year?

The parents probably assume that the girls are old enough to remember their manners and that the school is keeping tabs on them.

I think that the host shouldn't be recompensed for the hospitality unless it is on an official basis.
If not on an official basis, wouldn't most parents just like to know where their 17 year old is when they are not in school overseas?

I agree with you, oldgimmer

Although perhaps the parents are unaware of where the girls are going or even that they have an exeat.
The school is in loco parentis and has a responsibility for their welfare.

Why would the OP be financially recompensed for having a 17/18 year old to stay with her friend for the weekend?

I'm struggling to understand this. I must be living in some kind of parallel universe....

So - the OP is hosting a child for whom she is not being financially recompensed? And she is not even being thanked?

(Ok - the child herself is thanking you, which is nice, and I get that "reward" is probably not the most important thing to the OP but...

Apart from any safeguarding issues which may arise, surely it is normal, and expected, to be thanked properly at the very least for showing kindness and practical support to a child who is away from her parents and home?

Essentially you’re hosting weekend sleepovers so I imagine the parents think that the young adults are capable of thanking you themselves? Whilst it might be a nice thing to say thanks I’d not expect it from them - as long as the girls thanked me I’d be happy.

What is the cut off age for parents to thank hosts on behalf of their teenage and young adult children?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but I do think your expectations are too high, as long as the girl herself thanks you surely that’s enough She must be what 17/ 18 so almost an adult
It would be a nice extra to get a parental thank you but I think the parents see it as the school being in charge in their absence
Do they even know She comes to you??

Parents of kids at boarding school quite likely don’t have a clue where the girls are at weekends, especially if they are overseas and don’t care either in many cases. The school will of course check out the hosts, if they have girls at the school there won’t be any problem there.
One of my granddaughters does summer work at a posh boarding school nearby, the mega rich parents pay very little attention to the week to week activities, the school does it all.

I do find it strange that the parents of these children don't want to know where exactly their children are staying. I would have to get in touch just to find out BUT you can't enforce it. People always shock you with their lack of thoughtfulness.

I once took in a young woman who was- shall we say - rock bottom. She stayed with me for 3 months and never once paid for anything. She wasn't rowdy, rude, disruptive or unappreciative when she was with me but I spent a long time talking to housing/social to find out ways of getting her on her feet by getting her own flat etc. Didn't expect the parents to thank me as she was 28 (even though I knew her parents) but she moved out when I was away for a week and I never heard from her again...not a thank you card, not even a note to say where she had gone!

A couple of years later she found me on Facebook and requested me as a 'friend'...I declined lol....just in case she was in trouble again!!!

Yep...no understanding some people but don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed. Am sure the kids appreciate it...not their faults.

Well let's just hope you don't have to cope with a medical emergency and explain to a doctor that you have no contact details for the teenager's parents! And I wouldn't necessarily rely on someone being at the end of a phone at school either if it's closed.
I think you're quite right to find it strange.

Working in a very exclusive, overseas boarding school, as I do, I'm not surprised at all that the parents have no manners. Far from noblesse oblige, it is much more, do as I say, peasant.

Not the girls fault, and as long as they thank you and are well mannered, I would accept their thanks with no further expectations.