I,m in turmoil

bev707
I think your big problem now, is, your son is very unlikely to get a job in IT at his age. Added to that he hardly has a glowing CV, has he?

I f he hasn't worked for years how is he "too experienced" for the job centre? Skills have to be kept up to date especially in tech where things move at an alarming pace.Maybe he should go to the job centre and have them assess exactly where his skills lie ...then they MIGHT find him a job

Thanks everyone for advice. His father my ex was the same,big dreamer.BUT he had a job,we had a good life and were never in debt. My son says he does look for jobs online, he’s never been to the Job Centre but he’s too experienced for them. I,ve told him many times just to get any job to pay the bills. I too am surprised his wife hasn’t left,she’s permanently tired. I think I already knew the answer but yes it’s time for me to stop being used, for him to grow up and support his family.

Stop bailing him out. Other people (his so called investors) have realised that he hasn't got the skills required to make a go of a business.

Tell him to get a job and start taking care of his responsibilities. He is using you, and using his wife. She must have the patience of a saint.

Turn the money tap off now. The reason your son has been able to indulge in these fantasies and avoid knuckling down to a proper job is because you and his wife have paid him to do nothing. How many people would work if they could stay at home being paid to do nothing but live in cloud cuckoo land?

I read a novel recently, which featured a similar character and when someone turned him down the femal relative whailed, 'What will happen to him now? He will starve. The response was that 'A short course of starvation would do him good'

This is my response to this conversation. Stop giving him money, let him face up to his debts and the need for im to pay them with money he has earned. His wife should also do the same.

By the way, he hasn't been let down so often by investors, they have either investigated his plans and decided they were not any good, so declined to support him, or they are part of his fantasy, fictional investors, who he met in a pub and who said polite things about his plans and bought him a pint.

He needs to get a proper job, support his family himself, repay his debts and follow his business dream in the evenings and at weekends, in his own time, if necessary, but I think you really know all that already.

I think it would be prudent to arrange a family meeting with his wife and your DH present and be completely honest about all the money he has been given. He may well have an addiction of some kind - to lose this much so quickly gambling might be a suggestion. Try to find out where the money has gone - with bank statements etc and formulate a plan of how to begin managing their finances, pay back debts and get out of this mess. DD went to Christians Against Poverty and they are helping her regain control after her **** ex left her in debt with a new baby. Gradually debts have been repaid and others well on the way and threatened court action stopped after CAP put a plan in place and now we are emerging from a black cloud after over a year. It will take currently 7 years to be debt free though that could shorten. There are lots of debt repayment schemes and help to organise bills. The Scottish Government has one which was another option. Don't know about rest of UK but possibly similar. However the person must face up to it and be completely honest about all the debts for it to work. And yes he needs to get a job - any job.

Perhaps you do need to tell him to get a job - suggesting that he'd be able to put some of the money towards his dreams (if his wife gives him the chance!) might give him an incentive. Like the others, I think you've given him enough and it's time he faced reality.

To be honest, I think he’s lucky to still be married!

As said previously, tough love required

Nearly 50 and still chasing rainbows while everyone else finances him. He obviously isn't a person who should work for himself - a job in IT would have been more reasonable for someone with a family . To be honest, website designers are a dime a dozen and it's easy to design your own these days. My son made his own website in two hours using a good web design app.

You've been propping him up for years - stop now before you make it worse.

You say "you don't know what to do" . What you do is, you say "sorry I can't help you any more".

I agree with suziewoozie and sodapop. Please stop financing this man-child!

Don't want to seem harsh bev707 but I agree with suziewoozie You have done your son no favours at all. I think you have been unfair to your daughter in law as well in enabling his behaviour.

Yes you do know what to do, don’t you? Just stop. I also think it’s a pity that you’ve secretly given him money behind his wife’s back - as you say, his wife has worked full time for years but your behaviour means she is being deliberately misled as to the seriousness of their financial position. That’s a mean way to treat someone who from what you say has stood by your son. You’ve done your son no favours at all and at 48, my guess is he’s beyond hope and you bear some responsibility for this.

Tough love I am afraid is called for here. He needs to make things work without constant propping up from you or he will never be truly independent and at 48 that’s a worry!

Oh bless you.
I think you do know what to do, deep down.
Good luck.

The classic signs of a fanticist I'm afraid. It does come under the mental health issues and he should have sought help a long time ago. It sounds like some kind of addiction too which needs looking into.

We all know that there are no quick fixes to becoming mega-rich, whatever pipe-dreams we have,that's all they are and a " proper job " beckons.

I wouldn't continue funding a grown adult in this way at all as you're going to find yourself in the red and ill with worry.

Has he ever looked for employment ? Perhaps along the line of what interests him regarding investments, though banking jobs are now unfortunately thin on the ground.

I think, at 48, it might be time for him to face reality.
Whilst his loved ones are enabling him to live in cloud cuckoo land he has no need to worry.
Time for him to stand on his own two feet, I think.
I'm surprised his wife has stuck around, to be honest.

As much as you want to help him achieve his dreams you know this is a pipe dream of his, his ideas may be very good indeed and he be very good at what he does but some people just can't make it work and he seems to be one of those people unfortunatly.
I personally would not put more money into his ideas and tell him to get him self a job which takes some pressure of his wife surely any job that will bring money into the household would be a good idea.
I feel sorry for your DIL he will not change unless she tells him she will not tolerate this kind of life the sooner he realises that any job is "noble" the better for them both.