DIL thinks my husband has a alcohol problem

I really can't understand the need for anyone to drink alcohol and get drunk or 'slighty' drunk several times a week and annoy your family. What a waste of money; you could have a nice holiday with all money that is spent.

Are you cross because subconsciously you know it could be true? You haven't wanted to face it.

Addiction/dependency is far more common than you realise. 8.5 million people in the U.K alone have an addiction/heavy drinking/binge drinking problem.

Binge drinking can equally be a problem and even if it isn't addiction can lead to death related accidents and so on.

Your DiL is clearly worried your son and her husband has a problem. She was looking to you for support.

You have always lived with your husband drinking and it sounds as if he functions and it hasn't caused any impact on the family, such as loss of work, financial instability etc.

As I work within the recovery industry this is information that I know to be true. I also stopped drinking myself nearly 17 years ago because I knew it was becoming a problem. I was a binge drinker and not an every night drinker.

If your DiL is worried tell her to try Al-Anon. Just Google it. It is a fellowship for people who are concerned about someone's drinking.

The fact your DiL is mentioning it gives cause for concern and that it is clearly impacting their lives. Please don't dismiss her.

I understand it will have been a shock for you to hear, however I really do think you need to communicate properly with her about this

There is definately an addictive gene that's been identified which is why some people can drink smoke gamble or take drugs occasionally and not get addicted. Your DIL is turning to you for support be there for her.

The words 'alcohol problem' are emotive and suggest a rocky road to dependence but if the frequency mentioned by the OP was told to a GP they'd call it a problem and advise cutting right down.

90% of people are not functional alcoholics??

I am sorry to say that I too think your husband has an alcohol problem, Can you sit down with him and discuss it with him? Maybe cut it down to 2 times a week for health reasons? It is also very expensive to drink and there may be things you would like to buy, or maybe holidays you could share, but can't because he is drinking your money away?

TheNHS guidanceadvises that: to keep health risks fromdrinking alcoholto a low level you are safest not regularlydrinkingmore than 14 units per week – 14 units is equivalent to a bottle and a half of wine or five pints of export-type lager (5% abv) over the course of a week – this applies to both men and women.

As sazzl says an addictive gene has been identified.

Also when patterns of behaviour are "Normal" in one family and not so 'Normal" in another family a partner may notice the behaviour sooner than members of the birth family.

If your DIL's family had those different "norms" not only may she pick up on things (drinking in this instance) but she may notice the effects more and be affected by the behaviour, your son's, drinking than you are by your OH's.

I'm guessing she is look for some help and support rather than to criticise your OH.

If your son has grown up with drinking being part of your OH normality he may have taken his fathers drinking as permission to act the same.

That's OK if no-one is being affected by his drinking but clearly your DIL is telling you her and her work are being negatively impacted by your son "keeping her up late by coming home drunk".

May be your OH can have his get togethers without disturbing your home/work life or distressing you and those around him.

But it seems as if your son't drinking is disturbing your Dil's home/work life and she is being affected and distressed so "getting rather cross" isn't very helpful to anyone.

Whatever cultural norms and values there are when an other person's peace within their home and their ability to work is affected by those norms and values something is wrong and your Dil in her own imperfect way is trying to tell you (I guess without these type of words) life with your son when he is keeping her up late, limiting her ability to get her work done is causing her distress.

Please stop being cross, stop looking for blame and look at what is happening to another human being who is trying to find a way to keep life together. Together as in each of them - your son and your Dil - keeping themselves together enough that in the longer term they can stay together as a couple.

Situations like this break relationships. You clearly don't like the words your Dil used to reach out to you and it's OK for you not to like HOW she reached out. But please consider cutting her some slack for wanting to make things better.

Yes both men have a drink problem and I would suggest you speak to your DiL because by doing so the 2 of you stand a chance of helping him before it’s too late!. You will have to talk to your husband and get him to either cut back on his drinking because coming home drunk 3 or 4 times a week is going to impact on his health and then you will be the one left looking after him. The only reason your DH doesn’t drink at dinners like others do is because he would get drunk and he wouldn’t want them to see him drunk. Likewise when he goes out with you he doesn’t drink again because, he only drinks to get drunk like all alcoholics.
Your usually diplomatic DiL is clearly very worried about her DH and she’s got good reason to be. You both need to help your men before it gets a lot worse. You can support each other but you have got to listen to her.

Just go back to your DIL and say you're sorry for reacting badly to what she said about your DH having a drink problem, tell her that it came as a bit of a shock, but now, having thought about it and done some research you believe that she's right, and ask her what she thinks the two of you can do to help your respective partners. This will not only clear the air between you but hopefully bring you closer.

“Drinks like the Irish ”comment a tad preducial don’t you think DillytheGardiner?

I am a recovering alcoholic of 21 years sober. For me I had to reach my own rock bottom. If the alcohol is costing your husband and son more than just money, example it is now causing grief in both families. I would say they definitely have a problem. Alcohol is a killer in more ways than one people die from accidents they can have in the home. You and your daughter in law have no control over your husbands drinking what so ever but you can get help yourselves by getting in touch with Alanon which is a group for families living with alcoholism.

Dilly, Yes Llamedos is right, you have said something racist here, You should say "Drinks like a fish,"
I am surprised no Irish Grans have commented. The Brits are huge drinkers and if somebody said "Drinks like the Brits" there would be uproar.

I agree with what Greta 8 has said..
I have been retired some years now, but worked with/for an alcoholic,,,not good...

wondering if "having a drink problem" does or can descend (!) into alcoholism.. if so,, I would be scared,,

I used to drink a lot, when working with my boss, easy to get carried along, I then decided that if I had alcohol in the house, I could easily have a drink problem, cos I would not leave it.... so cut it out.

I think it is very hard to face up to problems

hugs, good thoughts and prayers for you and your husband

oh I wouldn`t say anything yet, to dil, wait and see, and examine yourself?

Drink like the irish comment!!! I have seen more alcoholics falling all over the place, women and men in England, than I have ever seen when I visit Ireland.

You said your DIL is usually very diplomatic and quiet so I think it took a lot for her to broach the subject with you. She was looking for help from you.
Maybe she didn't reveal how bad the situation is with your son.
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage, things could be terrible for her. She is away from her family who she would normally turn to for help.
I would bring the subject up with her again without getting defensive and let her tell you everything. You will know straight away if it is excessive or not.

Dilly, I have just re-read your post and you say you don't think he has a problem! How can you not see? He has a HUGE problem and so have you if you can't see it.

I’m afraid I agree with DIL....coming home drunk 3/4 times a week is not on. I think you are in denial. Talk to him about it.

Agnurse, I am sorry I really do not believe
^ about 90% of people are "functional alcoholics" - they are able to hold down jobs and raise families while having an alcohol problem.that^

90% of the whole adult population? Are you sure? what about all those who do not drink at all. drink only occasionally, or drink well below the approved 14/21?

According to Government statistics www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/drugusealcoholandsmoking/bulletins/opinionsandlifestylesurveyadultdrinkinghabitsingreatbritain/2017 only 57% of the population admitted to drinking. Are you suggesting that 33% were lying and were, in effect heavy drinkers. What was your source?

I'm sorry. It's possible I got my terms mixed up.

What I meant to say is that 90% of alcoholics are functional. I do not believe for a second that 90% of the adult population are alcoholics! I apologize.

My late husband had a highly pressurised job in the brewing trade, and drank a lot at corporate events. He would also drink at home, cans and cans. When he was medically retired he continued to drink at home, but was drinking so much he started hiding the cans from me I was sad when I found them.

I did worry about our son drinking too - but he can't drink alcohol at all, he has something called Gilbert's syndrome. Two enzymes are missing from his liver, and he cannot process certain things, alcohol being one of them. It makes him feel nauseous. My daughter went through a stage of drinking heavily as a teenager, but now just has the odd cider.

Good luck to you chatting to your son. I stopped drinking completely because I couldn't rely on my husband to be sober in the evenings - I always worried their might be an emergency with the children.

I think what agnurse meant was that 90% of people who are alcoholics are functional

Which sounds correct to me

Most alcoholics work and arent down and outs

Agnurse, yes, I get my words mixed up at times as well, but we do get people quoting such improbable statistics, without actually checking the figures or the source, and as someone with some statistical training and a many years of working with them, I get a bit twitchy when I see what look like more myths being promulgated that I do, at times - like this time- over react. Apologies.

Thank you. notanan2 is quite correct. 90% of alcoholics are functional, meaning that the ones you see on "skid row" only represent about 10% of alcoholics.

In addition, there is such a thing as a "dry drunk". This would be someone who had a problem with alcohol, currently isn't using it, but is still engaging in much of the behaviour that they did while they were drinking.

Why is 'coming home drunk' acceptable? To drink so much that you are regularly drunk must mean there is quite some consumption. Tolerances tend to increase the more you consume and to be actually coming home partially incapacitated seems bizarre to me. For this to be seen as normal is a worry. Why the need to consume a chemical that makes one mentally and physically unstable? I'm sorry to say but this needs looking into.