Fallen out with a friend

For all we know (because we know nothing about the motives) the husband might be controlling and might be the one who changed the friday plans, and vetoed the friends spending money for the weekend at the last minute.

Not saying how likely it is but its one of many possible behind the scene reasons for her actions.

I think posters are enjoying the affair conspiracy, but please remember, its just a theory!

Yes Sarah , ME too. ?

I just feel, with real friends, none of that should really be necessary, I can’t imagine going into such depths with any of my close friends, we would never try and take advantage of each other

This case aside, its not always about taking advantage it can be simple missmatches of expectations and missundersranding so its always best to just have that discussion.

E.g. you might be going to a foodie destination with a friend who likes to self cater cheap meals in to save money for other activities etc. Best work that out in advance.

Re "tipping off" the husband, the OP does not know why the friend has pushed her to cancel. Could be an affair, could be a simmering missunderstanding, could be that she just doesnt want to be friends any more.

To turn her husbands world upside down with no proof or evidence, not even a name! Is just nasty poing scoring because realistically, what can he do with that scant information?

That’s regarding friends! With family I know exactly whose going to be paying for everything, ME!

I just feel, with real friends, none of that should really be necessary, I can’t imagine going into such depths with any of my close friends, we would never try and take advantage of each other

I am known for being a 'bit deep' regarding details but I learned my lesson many years ago with a friend who took me for a ride. I always have a 'meeting' about the details whether it is extended family or friends and put everything on the table regards who is paying for what, how much everything is, what everybody's expectations are etc and then no-one is ever embarrassed and worried and everybody knows where they stand. I won't go anywhere without my 'arrangements meeting'

I don’t know if it’s just me, but she doesn’t sound like much of a friend in the first place! Just get rid of her, and move on

Now you have to decide whether or not to tip off her husband

Goodness, where’s the evidence that she’s having an affair? I don’t personally subscribe to that particular theory. But whatever. There is no justice at all for the OP to stir things up between this couple. whatever she may or may not be “up to”. She needs to drop this manipulative friend and get on with the rest of her life without her.

She booked the apartment Friday to Friday so made that decision before asking you(?). surely you could pay for some meals but go dutch on others (or cook if it's an apartment with all the utensils). How could she not know it was her husband's birthday on the day she planned to go??!!!

Now you have to decide whether or not to tip off her husband.

Does he have a right to know if his wife is up to something on the business trip? Yes of course he does, but you may not feel you want to be the one to tell him.

It is sad isn’t it?
When you go into a friendship you trust the other person, you “give” of yourself to them , a bit like a marriage!
When it is thrown back in your face it can be very very hard not to feel the rejection.
Try to rise above it, you are better than she is, but nevertheless, the feeling of being let down is as hard in your sixties or seventies as when your playground “best friend” goes off to play with that nauseating little girl with the plaits and ribbons! ?‍♀️

I had a friend for 23 years. I told her everything about me, too much I know. I always picked her up in the car even though she drove. It was me who suggested placed to go and meet up and I used to ask if I could pop over and we would have a lovely natter or go bike riding. We had some good times together but it was always me doing the arranging. I'm not sure if she even wanted me to be her friend and now that I look back I think I pushed myself onto her. I was ill last year and I couldn't pick her up etc. I never heard from her again! Honestly, not a text or phone call to see how I was. I had ran after her all of these years and nothing, just cast aside. So I backed away and you should do the same and make new friends as I have done. These people drain us of our energy even though we dont realise it at the time. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

No you are not in the wrong, she has changed the rules and expects you to just go along with it. It's sad when friendships go like this but I certainly don't think you are in the wrong

It sounds as though your friendship has been very close which has led her to assume a lot and expect you to accept and fit in to her plans. I have had a similar situation with my friend of 30 years , we fell out but I miss her a great deal even though she was selfish.

I wouldn’t worry one more minute about this ‘friend’. She made the initial arrangements to suit herself and then changed them to suit herself without a thought for your inconvenience. The friendship seemed to be on her terms and her terms only. That is simply not fair

I'm so sorry to read this, some people's behaviour is just too hard to fathom. My 23 year old daughter would describe your friend as 'flaky'', which I interpret as unreliable.

My experience of a 'flaky' friend was when she agreed to come to an event with me which involved train fares, overnight accommodation, and food. I had pre booked and paid for the train tickets and accommodation. When I gave her the tickets on the train, I expected her to say 'what do I owe you' .... but she just took them. I felt embarrassed she didn't offer, and just couldn't say the words 'you owe me £'! When it came to lunch time she put her choices on my tray and I realised I was paying again! I was quite shocked she didn't get her purse out at any time during the trip.

I was upset when I got back and discussed it with my daughter - she said I hadn't been clear with my friend about costs, so she assumed I was 'treating' her to everything and she didn't have to offer me any money.

I've learnt from this and in future intend to involve anyone in the actual planning, giving them the costs and discussing options, so they can say yay or nay.

Needless to say I'm not inviting this friend again!

Only one dissenting voice in eight pages of comments so have no doubts that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I bet that if you had gone she would have come up with some excuse why she couldn't meet up in the evening without a thought for your safety alone in Rome at night. Please, please resist any future overtures from her. She is in your past- leave her there.

You're her back up, she's using you, I wonder what you see in her, she's selfish. If you wouldn't do that to her (and of course you wouldn't), your values are different so don't sweat the loss of this "friend".

If you hadn't been going with someone who had a husband, I would have sworn you'd been intending to go with my sister. This is exactly what she does with arrangements, (sometimes changed several times without so much as a by your leave) and it caused a huge rift in the family which will never be solved. On that count, I think your friend is entirely in the wrong.
I think it is extremely odd that she expected you to go your own way and I'd be suspicious of her motives unless she has a lot of friends in Rome she wants to visit.
I think you both made a mistake about not talking about costs earlier but most 'friends' could sort this out without a parting of the ways. Certainly if a friend rang me to try to sort things out, I would give her the courtesy of listening to her and would try to see if there was something I could do to put things right.
Could you see if you could sell the air ticket?

Gosh. A couple of years or so ago, a ‘friend’ bought two tickets for a show in London, that she was keen to see. She gave me my ticket as my birthday gift. I wasn’t terribly interested in seeing the show but was happy to go along, and not be ungrateful for the ticket. As the date of the show grew nearer, nothing was mentioned about transport arrangements. Two days before, she rang in a slightly agitated state and asked how we were to get there, to which I replied that I hadn’t thought about it. She was so annoyed, and to be honest so unpleasant that I offered her the ticket to share with someone else. She accepted this offer and hasn’t spoken to me since. I should add, she’s told a mutual friend that I’m rude and ungrateful; as she’d shelled out for the tickets it was my responsibility to get us there and back. Not an identical situation but the OP’s post brought it back to me.

At this age, we should value our true friends and shed no tears for people who treat us this way.

'lots of money from the sale of your house and should use some of that' wow ! I'd been thinking it was poor communication until she said that Eglantine I think that says a lot about her view of you and explains her anger. I'm assuming you are on your own as you don't mention a partner whereas she is working still and has a husband so possibly is in a more secure financial situation . Either way, she has mistakenly assumed you're going to fritter away your money. I think you should leave things as they are now, you have tried speaking to her in an attempt to clear the air and she isn't interested.

I dont think the OP will ever find out what has really gone on.

If the friend was ever going to be honest with her, she would have done so already, rather than pushed the OP into being the one to call off the trip.

I don't understand why she asked the OP in the first place if she didn't want to spend much time with her. Who wants to walk round Rome by themselves for 3 days! Why didn't she take a family member anyway?

The company would probably have got a set price for the rental accommodation so I doubt she paid anything extra. I think she just wanted the cost of her (expensive!) meals covered and, as the company would cover all the travel costs, SHE could then have a free holiday.

What a nerve! That’s not a friend!

This is very upsetting for you Eglantine and am sure you are right, but did you know this "friend" well beforehand, and is her behaviour out of character? It doesn't seem like the way you would expect a true friend to behave.