I left my husband after nearly 40 years?

It seems that it's two years (without blame) if both agree, but 5 years if one party doesn't. In order to divorce before 5 years under those circumstances.
These people will give you a free one hour consultation: www.klrsolicitors.co.uk/divorce.php?gclid=CjwKCAjw7_rlBRBaEiwAc23rhuAMMIwmy_KDIcsbcp7-fZ2atnyDE1CMmF9Eo68Zg_mhFUc05m213RoCjM4QAvD_BwE

Seajaye, welcome to Gransnet and hats off to you for being brave enough to post - you should find a lot of support on here, some good advice and a forum where others have relatable experiences and so have a reasonable understanding of your circumstances and the emotions they conjure up.

That the menopause can have some crazy symptoms does not make you crazy and any self-doubt is likely to be in some way traced back to your husband playing his mind games on you and trying to convince you he is right and you are wrong - do not tolerate his crap. Any threats he makes in letters, text messages etc make sure you keep as they could be valuable evidence of his abusive behaviour, manipulation & guilt-tripping. You have proved you are a strong woman by leaving him and you can remain strong by fighting for what is rightfully yours and not letting him bully you in a divorce as he did in the marriage. Stand firm and stand your ground - you've done the hardest part in leaving. As for family dynamics being upset, if people knew what he was really like I'm sure they would support you and you say your children are now adults - they will cope.

I hope you can make contact with old friends or develop new friendships, find work or voluntary work, interest groups or a hobby you enjoy to ease the loneliness. Your husband may have made it too uncomfortable for you to invite people into the marital home but your rented flat, and, in time, your new home, should be places you can invite whoever you like - look on the process as part of your new life, take it slowly but enjoy making independent decisions, personal choices etc.

Many solicitors offer a free short first consultation - if you can find one of these go armed with a list of questions you feel are important, and a list of any assets - if they give you information sheets and leaflets read them carefully and add anything useful to whatever the solicitor tells you to better prepare your case.

I wish you well and hope in another year or two you look back and feel the relief of having done the right thing and the joy in the freedoms your new life offers. Good luck

The new law announced just over a week ago you can now divorce on a no blame just divorce plain and simple. I belong to a art / discussion group 25 members 15 of them women. Most of them are divorced-separated or unhappy in their relationships an off shoot group as also started for bisexual women and 8 of the group have joined that.

You have passed the 2 years , so go to a solicitor get the first half hour free. They will represent you and receive payment after the house is sold . Make sure you have a written agreement on the solicitors charge .
You have been so brave so far , so get to it then you can put it all behind you and step forward into the future . The threat from your " husband" won't hold water and goes to prove how he still wants to control you

Good luck ...all will be well ??

Similar position, I divorced after 38 yrs due to his behaviour. He couldn't wait for our children to grow up and leave home and was even jealous of my dog for heavens sake. Best thing I ever did, I had a few years of learning to undo a lot of the damage 'gas lighting' had done but I'm glad I did it. I wish you all the best for your future without him, but I do think you should have a good chat with your family. It may surprise you to realise how aware they already are and possibly been waiting for you to leave. I left with nothing, I would have cut my arm off and given him that rather than stay with him. Enjoy the rest of your life

seajaye Just joining the other posters to wish you all luck. Don’t go back to him , it will only get worse as he gets older. Just make sure your will is in order.

First of all, you are definitely doing the right thing. As I've said before on similar posts, we get one life and we deserve to be happy. My husband walked out of our long marriage - even though he was the one who'd had affairs and behaved appallingly. It was on the day he left, having met yet another woman (to whom he is now married) that I decided to file for divorce. It was Christmas Day so I had to wait a couple of days, but I did it. That was a few years ago now. I spent a lot of money on legal fees but after taking him to court and learning about the powers that judges have, I decided to invite him to meet me privately to reach an agreement. He accepted my terms - which were not a 50/50 split, by the way. I remained in our house until I sold it and I've now purchased a new home of my own for cash. Recently moved in and am planning to spend some of the divorce settlement on getting it just how I want it. I have a decent occupational pension but work to supplement it. I have no regrets about divorcing him. I totally understand it when you question what you ever saw in the man - me too! Do get legal advice - and take good care of yourself. Don't underestimate the stress you're under. Let us know how it goes.

I've some experience of divorcing after a long marriage, and offer you the following random thoughts :

Try not to think about consigning a 40 year marriage to the bin - thinking of it as "30 (or whatever) good years which sadly didn't prevail".

A solicitor will give you all the practical advice you need and will be acting solely in your interests. Not to take him to the cleaners but to get what is legally your entitlement.

His potential claim against your pension would only be viable if his pension is significantly less valuable than yours.

Don't bad-mouth him to family members, even if they encourage you to do so - there's a dignity this that won't go unnoticed. As PPs have suggested, you may have one or two close friends in whom you can confide the full picture, provided you're convinced of their ability to keep things confidential.

Lastly, being the sole person to dictate your life from the time of your divorce is a wonderful feeling - it sounds as though this is something you richly deserve. Chin up and good luck!

Yes I have been in your shoes and through the menopause years he nearly convinced me that I wasn't mentally stable. Til one day the 'light' came on and I have never looked back. That was in 2006. New divorce laws now make it easier.

I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was and still am. FREEDOM felt wonderful.

He is soon to find out his entitlements arnt what he thinks they are.

Good Luck and enjoy the freedom that is coming your was

As has already been said, if he doesn't agree, then divorce is granted after 5 years seperate on. If he doesn't contest, it's 2 years.

We didn't use a solicitor! Once I had petitioned my H realised I was serious. Tried to keep it amicable (not easy) but my petition was granted within 4-5 months. I had simply attached an outline of the reasons for the marriage breakdown. Exactly what parliament is planning ....
The simple solution.

I made sure my will was in order to reflect my single status!

Wishing you all the very best whichever route you decide to take.

I feel for you. I finally divorced my husband who had for decades used psychological abuse. He agreed to divorce if I said that he'd committed adultery, but not if I cited unreasonable behaviour . But maybe you could go down this route? I don't know how you prove unreasonable behaviour , but a lawyer would know. I wish you well and a much happier future.

I'm sure that you are doing the right thing. It's sad when a marriage ends but the way he behaved was terrible -menopause or no menopause.
Allow yourself time to adjust to your new life and be kind to yourself - you deserve it, I'm sure.

Cookie you are so right. Friend says he has whittled away my self esteem. Sometimes you think whichever way you jump or whatever decision you make it will be wrong. I am still here mainly health but age as well. In the past told me I look like big fat red blob in new dress ( size 12/14). Had hair dryer confiscated. Told me people laugh at me. Has said people only pretend to be friends. Very jealous and paranoid. Spiteful. Have now warned him if he hits me will dial 999. When you consider 1 in 4 women will be abused in their lives it is appalling. So if you think you should go and are fit enough do it.

Currently unless there is mutual consent you will have to wait for five years. However, consider, life is not great at the moment but is it worse than living with him.?He sounds horrible, a selfish bully and does these things because he can. I do hope you have got his threat to give up work if you push for a divorce in writing. Furthermore perhaps the rent you have had to pay for five years may be taken into account when settling the finances. IN any event, get some legal advice.

I broke away from an emotional abusive relationship and the worst thing is they make you doubt yourself, even when you are no longer with them. That negative seed of lack of self confidence continues to grow, like you are thinking maybe it is the menopause. It is not the menopause, it is HIM, he is the problem, not you, he is in the wrong, not you! It takes years of healing to fix yourself after being whittled down by an abusive partner. You are a strong woman, you were brave enough to move on, get him out of your life, do not let those seeds of doubt take root because then he has won, he is back in your mind, controlling your life again. I use mindfulness to help me live in the here and now, and focus on positives, deal with anxiety, it helped me move forward with my life. I wish you all the best for your future.

I really feel for you, could you join a group or do some volunteering as a way to make friends? Craft groups, knitting or crocheting for charities or visiting elderly neighbours or hospital visiting are all possibilities or volunteering to talk to someone else who is lonely on the phone (can’t remember the name of the charity). If you’re fit there are local walking groups and schemes such as Borrow my Dog, where you can walk a dog without the costs of owning one. You will find other dog owners are often friendly and will chat and you might have local dog walkers meet ups. Even if you’re disabled, there are things you can do, including manning a helpline from home for a set number of hours a week (expenses paid). Search online for opportunities or talk to your doctors surgery and library. Forums are also a great way to make virtual friends, if you post regularly.

Being lonely and isolated isn’t a good reason to go back to abusive relationship and it’s likely he would be even worse if you do. You might find it harder to take after two years away. Best wishes for the future. Rosey

Our hormones generally make us women more amenable than men, so that after the menopause we are often thought to be more contrary. Perhaps our judgement is clouded before the menopause rather than afterwards!

Legal position is that if there are grounds ie Adultery you can file for Divorce after 1 year. 2 years separation Divorce can be granted if both parties agree. If your H will not agree to a Divorce unless you can prove unreasonable behaviour I'm sorry you have to wait 5 years. This will of course change if the new Divorce Laws are passed by Parliament but Divorce may still not be straightforward.

One thing makes me think "how did you stay with him for so long?"
He'll be sadly disappointed if he thinks that if he packs in work to claim benefits he'll get more - not under the Universal Credit system he won't! You no longer even get the total cost of your rent/mortgage paid if anyone living with you is working , or is able to work!
Don't take any notice of anymore of his childish threats , and don't even think of going back to him.The loneliness you are currently experiencing must surely be better than putting up with this nasty piece of work. Take steps to get in contact with your friends - you may be surprised that they have been aware of what your husband is like, however hard you tried to hide it! From there, you can begin to build a new social group - you can join in groups that follow your own interests without having to ask permission!
If there is any way to show that it is you that has paid the majority of the bills - mortgage, car, day to day expenses, it will work in your favour, but I do really think that you need to get some legal advice from a solicitor- I found that it was easier for them to take up the arguments on your behalf when I divorced my husband - I didn't even have to speak to him if I didn't want to !

Please get legal advice. You will find that most people, once served with the divorce papers, do not get into a tit for tat because they really can't afford to.

I always thought it was me before menopause and thought it was my hormones that left me feeling depressed, irritable, etc. During the menopause I realised it wasn't me but he was totally unreasonable and when I changed found that he had always been into lots of aficionados behaviours over the 33 years of marriage which was why we had always been broke and I was always bailing us out. My solicitor told me I couldn't afford to divorce him but I did. I even gave him our private pension of nearly £2000 per month but I have never been better off financially and emotionally. I am free and not dominated and possessed. My home is my home and believe it or not financially I am so much better off. I still work a little at 74 but it is work that I want to do and enjoy. Good luck, hopefully you have a couple of good friends who will support you. My kids weren't very happy e with me for quite a while because my ex was very manipulative but we are back and close again now.

Divorce laws are about to change....there was something on BBC breakfast about it a week or so ago. This is going to make everything much easier without waiting so long. Oh and you are definitely doing the right thing.

I worked as a legal secretary (matrimonial) and the timings on applying for divorce are (were) 2 years with agreement, and 5 years without agreement. I am retired 10 years it believe this still applies.
Financial division..... doesn’t matter if he is working or not... starts at 50/50.

Do you have a decent pension. He could make a claim on that.

You are and have been in domestic abuse for 40 years. Your now in the aftermath. You dont recognise it just as I didnt.

It's nothing to do with the menopause. We look for excuses without realising it as we are so used to how we lived.

Our heads want to justify why something is happening. What he is doing is emotional and financial abuse plus much more. Take a read of the link at the end of this post and ring them for support:

I too, was in domestic abuse for many years so I do identify. I have rebuilt a good happy life

www.womensaid.org.uk

Remember the menopause is also known as 'the change of life' for good reason. This is the new you working towards your new life