Mothers Day is cancelled

Blimey, how mean! What I would do - buy myself flowers, chocs bottle of wine and say,

"Well, I'M not cancelling mother's day for myself. Today I'm taking the day off to enjoy myself."

Lily it might seem simplistic for me to say what I did but as I left someone who treated me really badly when my children were adults and feel now they were badly scarred by my staying, I wish I had left when they we’re children now I can look back. Of course it’s not easy but if he doesn’t treat her well now why should he change in the future

Sorry but he’s being a bit of an arse, I understand that if you didn’t order the flowers for his mum then it would be “your fault” for not doing it. I think you should treat yourself to something nice, and then do nothing for him on Father’s Day.

OK Twice, sorry to hear that, its sounds awful. I just think generally we maybe should be careful giving out advice when we don't know the full story.

I don't think the " well don't buy him anything" approach is very helpful.

Funnily enough, Anna Jarvis who pretty much Created Mothers day, spent a huge deal of time trying to get it removed from the calendar because of the amount of commercialism.
So, to cut a really long story short, she fought and fought to get it put onto the calendars, then, once big companies started making money out of it, she tried then to have it removed!
Not being slightly religious, and not needing any rewards for motherhood (it was something I chose and loved!) I always told my lot to never bother, instead, I used to tell the kids if they really wanted to give me something, it had to be home made, as that would show me that they really cared and spent time on me!

My grandaughters husband always treats her to lovely things from the children, but she is like me, she gets her pleasure from seeing the children happy, so the past few Mothers day, they just spend some quality time together, and make memories. Thats the best gift I think a Mum can have.

What a sensible idea NainFron , I think some men think providing materially is their role in a family and concentrate all their efforts into this. Muffins hubby probably ( I hope ) has no idea how she's feeling and needs to have things explained very simply but firmly that it's not acceptable. Children need 2 parents that show they care about each other when they are around. I'm curious how his family get along with each other and what he learnt from his childhood. I agree with treating his mum kindly as that's how muffin wants to be treated herself. Recognition for doing a brilliant job with 3 very young children, respect for being his partner and his right hand person. He would not be able to work such long hours if she wasn't reliably managing the family responsibilities without him. ... I think you all need a bit of family time to remember to have fun with each other. Good luck and keep strong Muffin, your children won't always be so young and so dependent on you x

Sorry to be blunt but he is an inconsiderate arse

muffinthemoo Thu 28-Mar-19 16:26:37
I thought he may have been joking but reading that post made me think again!

He needs a reality check, he needs someone to take him aside and tell him that his behaviour is appalling towards you and towards his own mother if that is what he calls her. The best person to do it would be another man - what is his own father like, or has he learnt his appalling behaviour from him? Perhaps your father could have a word in his ear in a diplomatic way on how to treat women.

Even just breakfast in bed and him coping with the children, dressing them, feeding them breakfast on Sunday would be thoughtful. I'd rather that and a bunch of daffodils than any present myself.

As Aussies would say - he needs to 'pull his head in' - and fast.

I feel for you, you deserve much better treatment. I just wish that I could send you more than just good wishes. My wife even gets card and present from the dog! What sort of softy am I?

I was always told by my ex," you're not my mother. " He never even bought anything for the children to give me when they were small although once they were at school I received their treasured hand made cards.
He was a mean selfish man. The only time he bought me flowers was when I had received a 2000 tax rebate. The children got new shoes and he spent the rest.
Oh how stupid I was back then. I bless each day he is no longer my problem. The person I am today would not tolerate such mean behaviour but back then I was well and truly controlled and put in my place.
Yesterday my DH came home with flowers and chocs, which happens quite regularly, not just on Mother's Day!

Thanks for your reply Lily it was awful, hindsight is wonderful isn’t it. You don’t always realise you’re controlled until you’ve left. OP you deserve so much more yiu sound such a caring person your MIL is lucky to have you. I would just ask you to think carefully about how happy are you and if you are not do you imagine being like this for the next 40-50 years .

TwiceAsNice I agree. As a child brought up by parents who seem very similar I grew up having to protect myself from my father's sharp tongue but also not having much respect for my mother who seemed to enable his behaviour and to downplay it. Obviously you can only pick up a certain amount from a post, but often the earlier children can be removed from a difficult situation the better.

Would be asking how he justifies why MiL warrants flowers, not even just a card yet he feels it's not a real occasion for you. Would say a little card would be the least, I never wanted a gift of any kind. He could even try making one with children even though just sticking bits of coloured paper on a folded bit of paper and he would be able to put a little message to you. I find your situation quite sad.

I agree with what you have said Mawbroon with regard to how a man treats his mother as an indicator of how he may treat his wife. Fortunately my daughters have married men who show the utmost respect for both their parents whilst also learning from my ex what they didn't want in a man.
It's so easy to make excuses for an uncaring man while you are tied up in that relationship, having invested so much of your life in that person.
I got to the stage where I would tell myself to expect nothing and then I wouldn't be disappointed. That is so wrong as the other person has robbed you of being of any value.
Please don't waste a chunk of your life on a waster like I did Muffin. Tell him how you feel and if he won't listen consider whether he is what you want for the rest of your life.

I'd remember that come Fathers Day in June!

I take your points ladies but I feel that often this is a pattern. Somebody complains about a partner and everybody jumps in with " leave him"

muffins partner sounds like he has badly got this wrong. We don't know about his own mother, what lead him to call her a name. Perhaps she is awful.

I remember having 2 kids close together, partner working very very hard, me at home depressed. It was absolutely awful and I would have cheerfully committed murder some days.

sorry must come up with an alternative to " awful"

I also think sometimes its good to spell out loud and clear what we would like. Maybe husband is not great at picking up clues.

Where as I don't see why his mother should suffer, I still feel you should cancel the flowers and tell him to arrange something himself. He's still got time.

Hi Muffin that would make me very annoyed, If he wants to send flowers and card to his mother he should do that.
After all it is his mother, when MIL was alive I used to prompt my husband if he didn't choose to do anything that was up to him.
I always bought my mother something every year my husband would have never bought her anything.
He didn't buy his father, me or the children cards or presents for birthdays or Christmas that's just the way he is.
You have to let it go and look at the other things in your life which make up for these irritations.

Muffinthemoo you are NOT being unreasonable.

I agree that like most events, it's become commercialised and gets out of hand, but you do deserve recognition and I hope your children appreciate you. (I know, it's just one day, but Mothering Sunday used to remind us, even as children to make Mum a cuppa, give her breakfast in bed - she was often up before us! - or buy her a bunch of flowers,

I think you should ask your husband to organise flowers for his own mother, given the occasion and have a mini-protest. I know - it seems most women in families tend to be the card-senders, date-rememberers etc. It seems petty to not do it, but you ought to ask why his mother is deserving and you aren't.

You have cared for him,given over your body to carry his children over 2 years and he can't be bothered to organise the kids to get a card and a small gift and do breakfast dinner and tea so you get to put your feet up?
Words fail me.

you are a stay at home mum by his request?
I think he may be doing you down and reducing your input in family life,and this ones that sound good for the long term.Do you get out at all without the kids or him, or have you given up everything you do for yourself? Be careful you're not consumed by what he wants,it's supposed to be a partnership.

DH never bought his mother a card. I did all the " wife work" . He always said I was not his mother when I suggested a treat for Mothering Sunday. This was after the children had left home and I would feel a bit bleak if they forget (Mother's Day is not the same in other countries and they were living abroad.) but he is a very generous present giver on all other occasions and I suspect secretly rings up to remind them.
Op please remind yourself that it's a very hard job being a young mum especially when living with an unkind and heartless and rude person like your OH . I suspect that you deserve better.

Muffin I’m so sorry you are faced with this unhappy situation. You need to sit down with your husband and talk about it. You need to tell him how unhappy you feel. It’s not really about flowers, as you say. You feel unappreciated and the Mothering Sunday scenario has just been the catalyst for how you feel. Please find the right moment to get him to listen, about lots of things. He has a social life which three small children don’t allow you to have. It’s really very one-sided and unfair. It’s not just about next Sunday. Please, please talk. Sending you lots of hugs.