AIBU thinking my daughter is being cruel?

it's not easy to carry on but I cant deal with her behaviour. Her partner messaged me last week wishing to make arrangements for me to post boxes of her belongings I've stored for 10years, including a memory box I made up for her when her dad died. Seems she cant/wont even message me herself now.

On the other hand I will have a lot more money as I often helped her out financially, I wont have to worry whether she is gonna call or not and more importantly I wont have to be on the receiving end of her rudeness and nasty tongue. Yes I will miss the good times and her wonderful sense of humour but when the bad times far outweigh the good it's time to move on

I'm in the same boat with my son. Difficult few years, due to sudden and tragic bereavement, followed by arguments about my granddaughter. Now he has cut contact. I'm devastated. How do you rebuild your life after such loss?

Good luck to you in the future Ziggy 62. I can’t see what else you can do. Enjoy your life and try not to have regrets. If a reconciliation comes about do let us know.

Well, you have done all you can. You really can't guess why she's being like this, and she won't communicate with you. It's so childish really.

I think you're right now to put it to the back of your mind, and just get on with expanding your own social life, and enjoying yourself as much as possible.

thank you so much for all your lovely sensible replies.

After reading them all, more than once, and having lots of time to think I sent her a text explaining how I felt, also explained that as a mother/grandmother I have done my best, admitted I no doubt made mistakes but always loved my family.

There has been no reply, which saddens me but I have decided to get on with my life with my new husband. I moved away from my friends & family 3 years ago and haven't really made real friends here, so losing contact with my children is difficult but I am fed up of walking on egg shells.

If in the future I become a widow for the second time I wont have the support from friends I had but I have a wonderful husband, a nice home in a lovely part of the world, so for now I will just count my blessings

My brother's three daughters treat their mother abominably. I am sad to see it. At least you got a card for Mother's Day - my sister in law got nothing from any of her girls. Two of them ignored her birthday too, and she only rarely sees any of her grandchildren. She was upset about her birthday especially, as she turned 60. Since my own mother died, I've grown closer to my sister in law, who was unfailingly kind to my mother in her last illness and I am extremely grateful to her for all her goodness at that sad and difficult time. I have 3 sons and their lives are busy and I know that when they ignore my texts, it is nothing - just that stuff got in the way as it does, and they just forgot to text me back, because at the time I texted, they were not able to get back right away. My middle son is the worst offender in this. Seeing what my sister in law suffers makes me so grateful for what I have. It doesn't sound to me like your daughter is being deliberately cruel to you. The problem with making any kind of issue over it is that it could result in you being out of contact for some time. I would hesitate to rock the boat.

Ziggy, I am in the same position as you, so I really sympathise. It’s awful, isn’t it, when a child you were once close to and with whom you had a loving relationship, cuts you off or becomes cold and distant. In my case, it is due to a controlling partner, and she has also virtually cut off the rest of the family and friends. It’s a waiting game, but it’s very hard.
I personally think that ‘ghosting’, as this type of behaviour is called, is cruel, cowardly and disrespectful, but that is how her partner behaves - he used to do it to her, in order to bring her into line. Sadly, it seems that she is following his example.
Anyway, as others have said, some contact is better than none, and you have to play it cool and get on with your life, hard as it is. Good luck!

I'm with Banananana. Flowers and a Missing You card

Another way to look at it is that possibly your daughter wants you to say something about the cards with no kisses.
Maybe she wants communication of something difficult to be bought to the fore and discussed, argued, and got out into the open?

Why is it always us mothers/ Grannies who have have to tread slowly and carefully after an upset?!

It isn't always. It just that's who is posting on here.

Nannyshell59
They can and they do. Why? Because we bring them up to be self sufficient and to make their own way in the world, not to still have the umbilical cord tugged to remind them of their mother and father.
You have no idea of the impact the separation has had on him and the last thing he would need (I imagine) would be mum fussing round him and asking questions he may not be able or willing to answer.
Time will either bring him and/or the grandchildren back into your life OR send him down a different path.
Only he can choose. Just leave the key in his hand.
Meanwhile, fill your days with good friends and plenty of things to distract your mind.

Lumarei
I agree with your last (3rd) paragrsph.
Rows are much healthier as long as they don't escalate and silence is a very effective sword, wielded to cause maximum uncertainty and stress.

If Ziggy really does not know what the problem is, has asked the daughter and she won’t say then I DO think she is being cruel and I would not regard getting a card without any love as ‘keeping the door open’ or anything to be grateful for unless she has some form of autism, asperger or social adjustment problem, I would regard it as a slap in the face.

If My daughter communicated the reason why she is cross with me, I would immediately apologise even if I felt no responsibility in the matter. I would be truly sorry that I had inadvertently upset her as I would not do that on purpose. Following that I would throw the ball into her court keep my distance until she was ready to have a normal and healthy relationship with me.

My experience is that constant grovelling for attention and love is usually only met with contempt by people who "punish" with silence or withdrawel of lovey. I was the victim of such behaviour when I was a child. Instead I prefer a good old row, which is generally a much healthier release of emotions, but frowned upon and looked down on in this country.
So far in my life, I have always found that after an argument the air cleared so much that I liked the person better than ever before and the relationship improved dramatically. Silence kills relationships. We all know that you don't need to worry about the couple that argues but about the one that doesn't.

I am totally with nigglynellie. My son has not spoken to me for 7 months now. He and his wife separated and she has prevented me from seeing my grandchildren. I have txt, emailed & phoned both of them, all in vein. I cannot comprehend how "children" can treat their mothers like this, after all that we have done for them. And then to have to tread on eggshells, having to be mindful of everything that I do, or say, clinging to the hope that he will resume contact with me is unfair and unreasonable.

Ziggy62 I'm so sorry! I have been through this! You are not alone. I can't talk long now, sorry. I am with you in spirit, just hang in there. They seem to blow hot and cold and it might be the influence of someone else. One of mine had some counselling and became a bit odd, but she is ok now. Another is very distant and very judgemental but so was her father (died by suicide 25 yrs ago, was very cruel). I think my middle (of 3) daughter is very influenced by her husband who has driven a big wedge between us. He is very nasty to me but I never know why, I am always really kind to him. She and I were such buddies and so alike. It hurts! I so much wish I had the answer. Mine all live 3-4 hours away. Please keep your friends close. I think our friends of our generation are our best support. They understand. I really believe children can be so hurtful, but I suspect they have no idea that they are doing it.
Wishing you some comfort soon, lots of love, L?

What hilda said.

Can be doesn't mean the one mentioned on this thread was though, om. I was just trying to give the daughter the benefit of the doubt.

But it might not be an insult, just all that the daughter feels she can communicate. As with all forms of communication....its highly subjective. I think only the person doing the action can know for sure if something is passive-aggressive....to the rest of us its open to interpretation. Making blanket judgements is difficult unless you know a lot more about a situation.

Do you have any other children or family members who have contact?

Quote from Psychology Today.

Passive-aggressiveness, as the word indicates, is a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults.

Oh yes it can be Baggs ...believe me!

Have you contacted your daughter to find out what has gone wrong between you, if you don't know I would ask how you can repair the void between you both

OP Since you've never explained what the difficulties were, it's hard for us all to advise. But she is keeping in touch even if you're examining it all minutely and despairing. Keep sending your cards and presents and just wait for her to come round, leave off the texting unless you have some seriously important news to convey. That's all you can do. We don't know how "cruel" she is being by not responding to your texts unless we know the family dynamic. However hard, just get on with your own life.

Hi Ziggy, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves, so your options are wide open as to how you deal with it and feel about it. I have had something similar with my daughter for 8 years now. It was terribly painful for many years but I try not to dwell on it now, she is my daughter and I love her no matter what, and since I have been trying to think lovingly of her and not see myself as a victim, she seems warmer towards me. Perhaps I am giving off a different "vibe"? Who knows, but meanwhile I get on with my life and feel somewhat better in myself. I am desperate not to lose touch with my grandchildren so, as with many of us, she has all the control.