difficult adult daughter

Ajanela, I listened very very carefully and we discussed plans for the weekend in great detail, so I think your comments are unfair. I have put her partner on the insurance for my car so they could go off on their own if that was her wish. When I met her the morning after the hen party, I gave her the option of going home with her partner, staying with her friends or joining us on a visit to the market. SHE made the decision to join us at the market. Also I am not asking people to make 'judgements' merely looking for support from others who are maybe in the same dilemma. I have no wish to fall out with my daughter, she is a very much loved and I am very proud of her academic achievements but I feel at the age of 27 she should have more understanding of how hurtful her behaviour can be

Ziggy62 is saying her DD was not hungover, but was tired and grumpy all the same.

If she could be okay with the others, she could also be okay with her mother and could say in a normal way if the arrangements didn't suit her.

Are you saying she not tell you that she would be tired and grumpy?

I have a daughter and like others she also can be hurtful. She often says she tells me things amd I don't remember her saying that.

So maybe us mothers don't listen sometimes and like our children only hear what we want to hear and carry on as we want things to be. Whatever the reason it is you who seemed to be annoying her as you said she was ok with the others. Maybe she wanted to visit these places with just her partner, there could be many reasons for what happened. You have made your point and told her so let it go.

Also not fair for others to make judgements when we are only told one side of the story.

wow, certainly wasn't expecting such a large response, thank you so much. I will read through all the replies again. BUT I just had to mention that my daughter doesn't drink, in fact she is very anti-drinking, so a hangover wasn't the reason for her behaviour. Also many weeks before, we chatted about what she wanted to do after the hen party. I gave her the option of not going to the market and not going out the following day but the places we visited where those of her choosing, not mine.

Phew am I glad to be reading these posts , I thought I was alone with a difficult adult daughter who behaves like an unexploded firework-may be ok but may go off in your face.

I agree with loopylou, tell her to grow up ,act her age .
My 2 sons are 36 and 41yrs if they are rude , which isn't very often, I always get an apology and have done since they were teenagers. They were not saints by any means but the same as many parents we set the boundaries and stuck to them, not easy but it ,hopefully pays off!!!
Hope it all works out for you.

*^This isn't a new thing with her.*^
Probably the most important point. Whatever excuse she has for this episode, it isn't an isolated incident, it's a pattern of behaviour.

*She went on to say she had warned me she would be tired & grumpy after the hen party and I should have been prepared for it.*
Bollocks! If she knew she would be tired and grumpy, she should have taken steps to check her own behaviour, like thinking before speaking. Victim=blaming at its finest.

* She said I was absurd in the way I reacted to her over the weekend and I should have said something at the time. The reason I didn't was due to consideration for her partner.*
Well stop being so bloody considerate! Call her on her behaviour, every time. If her partner was worth a damn, he'd have been asking what she was playing at.

What did your husband have to say about her behaviour?

Oh, and does she have a problem with you remarrying?

Yes she was in the wrong, said things she probably regretted while suffering from a severe hangover.
But it's not worth falling out over.
Arrange another lunch date and enjoy her company. She will probably be on her best behaviour away from the family home where she felt she could revert to teenage habits.
Your relationship with your daughter is too important to put at risk.

I agree with loopylou, tell her to grow up and act her age

Good grief, It's hard to believe she is a grown up woman and not a school girl! She should be ashamed of herself, at the way she has acted and spoken to you! I wouldn't want to go either. She needs to grow up and apologise for her rude behaviour , x

Both my OH and D are volatile characters but D has the bigger mouth.
I am happy to let them get on with it until the foul language is used by D, who speaks loudly.
Then I tell her at the top of my voice to F* off out of the house.
She goes and peace is restored.
They meet up most days, as we have the GK's whilst she works.
Your new husband sounds a gem, laughing and joking with her whilst you are in tears upstairs.
No excuse for rudeness from adult children. They weren't ridiculed whilst we were rearing them.

Ziggy my sympathies i know from absolute personal experience how this is as my daughter can be so similar BUT she has been diagnosed as bipolar and it is when she is having an episode that her behaviour becomes obnoxious and she blames me for everything. It is SO difficult to deal with and find coping strategies sometimes but it helps to remind myself that this is acondition and not a personality disorder. I wonder if this is the case with your daughter? With the growing awareness of mental health conditions it is becoming easier to recognise - as in autism now i think there is more patience and people don't automatically assume that the child's behaviour is naughty. My daughter is so lovely when not in the grip of a bipolar episode and it is a tragedy because she says she hates her brain when recognises afterwards how she's been. It's a long hard road but if you're daughter is on the bipolar spectrum at least it explains why she can be so nasty and obnoxious. Best wishes and hugs that you find a way through

VIOLETTE I think you hit the nail on the head with the middle comment about the girls/women being entitled, I agree we have spent our lives and our bank balance making sure these daughters of ours have everything they want (not need) as they grow up, when they are small we gave them choices, what they want to eat what they want to wear and even now when I watch my grandchildren run rings round their parents I think to myself you'll regret that! Yes I've made mistakes spoilt her but I will not tolerate being spoken to in that way ever. She has her own place now with her partner and we get on really well. I think after a certain age mother and daughters need their own space. But I wouldn't tolerate her showing you up and verbally abusing you, don't go for lunch make her come to you.
Sorry for what your going through take care

I expect you've heard the expression "a mother's place is in the wrong"?

It sounds like she had an awful time at the hen party, was angry with herself for having been there and was taking it all out on you. She may have changed her mind about wanting to go to the local market or other places even though she originally wanted to but didn't want to say so.

That is of course no excuse for treating people with rudeness and I agree with others here that it is important to confront the rudeness immediately, otherwise you'll get bogged down in arguing about examples that she can't remember or thinks you have misquoted or exaggerated.

I would prepare a script for such situations in the future so that you are ready to deal with it - eg I find those remarks rude and I am upset by them.

You'll have to be prepared for her to make a fuss or accuse you of also having been rude in the past so you could offer to draw a line under her behaviour and both agree to treat each other with respect in the future.

Be prepared for this to be rejected though, and think about how you would deal with that reaction. I think it's always better to leave the door open with your children so don't do or say anything hasty that you may regret later.

I think daughters can be tricky! I have two sons and one daughter, and my relationship with her is somewhat volatile. She is frequently rude to me, but seems to be completely unaware of it. I've just decided to let it roll off me, and not take it personally. She feels safe enough with me to let off steam, but she never sulks and nor do I. On the other hand, if there's an emergency, such as a recent health scare I had, I call her and she drops everything to support me. Absolutely without fail You can't put a price on that...

I know EXACTLY what you mean ... as Radicalnan said "Been there, got the t-shirt". Some good advice on here!!

Sorry you have had this conflict with your daughter ! It always seems to be daughters ! Mine not spoken for 10 years ..no idea why m no explanation, nothing ! Left her alone to do as she wishes ! \\\A lot of m y friends have trouble with daughters and d-i-ls and I am always getting e mails from them with the latest drama ! One friend did confront her d-i-l and was just met with abuse and told not to bother staying at their house again She now only sees her 3 grandchildren if her son brings them to stay with her ..never sees the d - i -l. Things changed when she ran out of money to give them, having paid a substantial deposit for a house in London for them, paying for central heating, building works, etc .....then the dil asked her son to ask her for money for new windows ! She said sorry, I don't have any more .....end of contact ! Other friends also have been cut off from daughters and d i l's ...some have no contact with the gc's whatever , others only when their sons bring them to visit !

I wonder what it is about girls.women ? Don't think many of us treated our parents like this ...is it an entitlement thing, or have we simply bent over backwards whilst they were growing up to meet their every expectation ?

I was once told the best thing to do is to write a letter detailing all the problems but DO NOT send it ,,,,,might be good advice rather than risk a complete breakdown in communication ! I never try to contact my daughter any longer ...her life, her decision, her loss !

Oh dear Ziggy.....such conflicting advice on here. I hope you make the right decision. I too have a daughter who sometimes treats me as though I am the child . As one or two others have said , you don't want this to escalate into being shut out of her life. I certainly would not entertain the idea of a list of examples. Once it's written it's always there, and she probably knows in her heart what she has said. Be grateful that she was polite to your husband , and only took out her hangover or PMT on you . Meet her for lunch and move on.

At 27 she is not a little child but a fully grown adult. Why do so many adult children these days expect to be tiptoed around and be rude and insensitive to a parent. It's time she grew up. I would not write her a letter either, let things take there course and nip any other rude behaviour that she may display in the bud, otherwise if you let it go unchecked you are making a rod for your own back.

You say she is your adult daughter but she's acting like a spoilt child. Adopt a policy of zero tolerance. Tell her immediately if she says or does something to upset you. You could try asking her what's wrong and listen very carefully and make sure you understand her answer. Books on Assertiveness are good. As a parent you will always love her & be there for her but won't necessarily like what she says/does.

We went to pick up GS to take him to a party but when we got there, daughter was in the street shouting at everyone! She then started on OH so I told her to get back in the car and drove off. As we were driving off, daughter asked what was happening about GS's party invite. Told her to sort it as we were not going to put up with that behaviour! Never happened again from anyone!

I've drawn the lines and nobody will cross them. I'm the only one with a car!

Pity you cancelled the August meet up. I'd have gone but with a strategy in place.

Up until a few years ago I had to tiptoe around my daughter too, then one evening when she'd invited me, her sister in law and a friend round for a meal, she started in on me verbally. I excused myself and left even though it meant I had to walk home across a deserted track. I don't think the penny dropped for about 10 minutes, but about half way home my DiL caught up with me and escorted me home.

I had a profound apology from my daughter (she said she'd had too much wine) but things have been much better since.

You don't always have to actually say anything at the time if you find it hard. Just remove yourself by walking away or giving a stony stare.

I have the same problem and find it really hard to deal with. Sometimes she's angelic and I feel as though we have a good relationship and then other times she's a nightmare. I just have to hold on very tightly to my boundaries around her and state exactly what I will and will not do. As for the verbal abuse, I find it hard since it's so unpredictable. On the phone I just say: "I feel angry now with what you've said, so I'm putting down the phone." And then do so. I usually then receive text after text. She will eventually calm down but it is like dealing with a toddler. You have my sympathy.

Ziggy it sounds like post alcohol stroppiness. I can hear that she hurt you, but now you know not to meet her if a big intake of alcohol has happened.

I would be careful not to cut her off, too many grans get cut off buy their AC.

I would forgive her, then meet.

My daughter and I have a very bad relationship. She is 38 and single. Apparently I have done something wrong but she won't tell me what it is. I have to work it out. I'm sorry but I have better thing to do with my life that is left. Have had bereavement counselling about it and now don't worry too much. She has awful now for ten years. She won't change. She is selfish and everything has to be about her. I'm happy with what I am doing. Maybe some of you would want the contact but in have had enough.