I feel like I ruined my gs christening

well it seems like my son and g/f are finding it hard to stay together now, my comment maybe was the catalyst plus a private F/B message to my son saying I would like a get together with her and her family but I didnt find them that friendly at the christening so they may not want a meeting - my sons g/f saw this message as she seems to be signing into his F/B account - so now thats caused another problem my husband still isnt talking to me properly and I feel rubbish and wish it could be re-run and start all over again - but I maintain I should not have been shunned at the party, when I said we are going now, sons g/f should have said but you havent held baby yet so stay a while longer -(as normal people would do) but she just stood in front of me almost shielding my view from my gs and said ok then - then the cheek kiss as I mentioned.

Family dynamics can be such a minefield! I have developed a strategy of pre questions as a way of managing them if I think I am getting a bit uptight.

e.g What is the purpose of the get together? How do I / others fit in to this? What do I need to do to make the purpose of the event be successful?

This has helped to put expectations into perspective and the result is me being relaxed at such gatherings!

annie, you are not alone-I also ruined my youngest GSs christening. I allowed myself to be goaded by my ex-husband's wife. She was extremely rude to me, leading me to be tearful for the rest of the occasion, causing concern all round. SIL refused to allow her into their house from that day. I wish for a thicker skin sometimes, but when something hurts me it shows. I am sure things will calm down in your family, and you are not really the one who should apologise, but I do agree it is best not to mention it again-least said soonest mended.

I agree, bite your tongue and dont say anything. dont fall out with your son. I travelled to the other side of the world to see my first grandchild. During the week I was there I held him twice! ive just had to sadly learn to live with it. its heartbreaking, but Im not ever going to fall out with my son.

I don't know why life has to be so difficult but it certainly is ! . Perhaps there is someting in the middle of a lion and a mouse, I must try to figure out what it is and become one.

I wonder if there is a middle road between mouse and something that roars (lion maybe).

After 'speaking out' for many years I tried keeping my feelings and opinions to myself with much better results for the relationship in question. Now I find myself beginning to be a little more assertive occasionally and it seems to go down well.

I think part of what is going on is that mothers occupy such a powerful position in the minds of their offspring so that a mild remark gets a strong reaction. I knew someone who was so affected by her mother's remarks (such as 'that jumper isn't warm enough, you should have used a larger cake-tin) that she just stopped seeing her mother, it was a kind of phobia.

It's just not an equal relationship is it between parents and offspring?

Exactly my experience, KatyK. It just wasn't worth speaking out. But I kind of resent it, really! However, on balance I would rather keep the peace than risk losing contact... that's what it about, isn't it? The fear of losing people? Why is life so difficult???

Henetha. I agree with you totally. I have always been seen as mouse-like I think, never said boo to a goose, always agreed with everyone (how pathetic am I). Then one day I lost the plot and the mouse roared. It caused more problems than there were in the first place, so the mouse is back (outwardly anyway). And yes, it is nice to know we are not alone.

KatyK, like you I have learned from bitter experience that speaking out only leads to trouble! But it's not fair, is it! I keep my lips firmly zipped these days, but it is SO difficult sometimes!
One comforting thing about this website is that we realise that we are not alone in our problems; so many grandparents and in-laws seem to go through these upsets.

Aka - I've got that poem in the front of my diary on a piece of paper which spookily seems to fall out just when it's needed. I have big problems with the serenity bit!

It sounds as if you are definitely better keeping your distance and staying determinedly on the fence! You've already made it clear you're there if needed, you can't do more.

Hopefully they can resolve their relationship and all will eventually be well.

Easier said than done I know....

Give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

my problem is feeling so sorry for my son - he was so proud on the day but tbh since she decided to throw a wobbly last night my son says he wouldnt care as he cant stand this life for years - he isnt totally happy, baby was not planned etc and they had only been back together for a month or so when she fell pregnant after being split up for about 5 years and each had other partners during that time - they were only 15-16 when first together. Son is questioned over where he spends his wages - he gets up at 5 every day and works as a tree surgeon all over the place. Sons g/f is at home on maternity leave but spends hers on baby stuff - that really he doesnt need, and savings and whatever else I dont know. My son pays bills, food and runs his car that he needs for work all out of his money. Up to them how they spend their money but is getting my son down. I am keeping well out now as I have learned my lesson. If she wants me to ever see Gs she will

annie56 sorry for you. Let it be and focus on doing what you do, well. Let the rest of the world get on with their stuff.

I agree with you Bags re when did everything become such a big deal? We are in the midst of final preparations for my son's wedding in September, and although looking forward to it and happy about it, every now and again I think "What the heck is going on?" because a big fuss is being made about some detail that shouldn't be such a big deal.

thanks for supportive comments
doesn't help that she moved out last night with the baby but came back later, my son said not to mention any more about christening as she always gets angry when i say something and he says to accept we won't get on

henetha - I wonder, like you, how much shabby treatment we should put up with. Re my post above, I kept quiet and have never said a word about it but they ruined my only child's wedding day. The only time I have spoken up about situations in the past it has made things worse. So I've learnt to shut up and put up - doesn't feel right though.

Something to be said for not making a Big Deal out of such events. When did christenings turn into party events?

I think there's also something to be said for not having certain expectations of What Should Happen.

I don't think you did anything wrong, Annie. It appears you were miffed at not getting to hold the baby at the after-christening party and said something you wouldn't have said if you hadn't been miffed. It seems your son doesn't mind.

So I'd join with the others and say don't beat yourself up about it any more .

Sounds as though it was a difficult day. These things happen and life goes on.

Time to bite your tongue and bide your time in the interests of future relationships, especially with GS. There is often a touchy relationship with the person our children marry, so you are by no means alone in walking a bit of a tightrope.

Good luck!

Great sympathy for how gutted you feel; I would too. But, my goodness, what a dificult lot they sound! Who can blame you for blurting it out!
Don't beat yourself up over this, it was not your fault. D.i.l. and family are the ones who should feel bad, - except of course those sort of people don't.

And it raises the whole question of, - how much shabby treatment should we put up with before making some sort of protest?

I'm sure you didn't ruin the day. You did nothing wrong and I can understand why you feel upset. I think your DS should have included you more and made sure you had a chance to hold the baby.

But I also feel a bit for your DIL. I can remember my DS1 christenings being very stressful. I was a shy young mum with my first born out in full public view and I hated the whole experience.

I was BF him and worried he would be sick, dirty his nappy, cry during the service. He did all three and it seemed much worse with all the family there......I did feel more at ease with my own extended family than DH's. I felt that my MIL was more judgmental even though she was trying to be kind. We did get on well and she was a lovely grandma to my DC as they got older. In the early days of motherhood I found her too pushy. DH sisters (all experienced mums) were even more intimidating.

With my other 5DC I waited until the DC were a bit older before they were christened (varied between age 1 and 4). Much less stressful and a really wonderful family day for everyone.

I have five sons and I do think that as the mother of boys the first few months of grandparenthood will be different for us. In the long run we will be a full part of the young family's life.

Hugs to you Annie56 .

Try not to fret yourself, easy to say I know , but do try .

I can symphathise with this situation. We only have one child, a daughter.
I'm sure every mother looks forward to her daughter's wedding day. My SiL's (who we love to bits by the way) family totally ruined their wedding day. Apparently they felt slighted and left out although we did our best to include them. I'm no wedding expert, I just went along with my daughter's wishes. It wasn't a grand affair just a small gathering. The in-laws didn't speak to anyone on the day, didn't join in the dancing etc, turned their backs on me and my family and were very rude. There was an atmosphere all day.
They were quick enough to avail themselves of the free drinks we offered mind you. A big row ensued a few days later when my DD asked them what the problem was. That was quite a few years ago, my daughter has made her peace with them but they haven't spoken to us since. You haven't done anything wrong Annie, some people are not nice.

Excuse me - will someone tell me what you did? I've read and reread this but can only see that you expressed frustration after hours of provocation! Don't fret anymore, you have already done more than enough. Keep your dignity - they are all at fault for not having the brains to understand that you were entitled to recognition of your status as his grandmother. How very uncivilised of them. Just keep the door open. I do feel for you annie.

annie so much emotion all bottled up, so many hopes for the event. I bet you felt disappointed that it did not work out how you had planned in your head. I've been there!
I am sure the irritation you showed as you left was not noticed by many people at all. You have apologised and sent flowers to show you mean it. Now it is time to move on. You might want to offer an invitation to your DS and DiL to come for a meal or even just to come for a cup of tea and cake and ask them to suggest a day/time.
My advice is not to invest too much in any event. This avoids disappointment! The more casual you are the more likely your DiL will feel relaxed about visiting.
I know my DD1 feels that her MiL always makes it an 'occasion' when they go to visit and she feels she can't just call and say she is in the area and can she pop in for coffee with the boys.