Torn between husband and Daughter/soninlaw

What an awful situation juneh I know step families can be very difficult, but I was surprised at your daughter's age - she's sounding more like a stroppy teenager!
I have had similar problems with my husband & son in law. It started because they were friends and then he started showing an interest in our daughter. Instantly it turned into a My Best Friend is seducing my Innocent Child situation. (She was only 17 and he was 10 years older) Thing were very iffy for a long time but it's been an armed truce since they married in 1997, with just a few eruptions. Fortunately fate has kept us living close together, or I imagine I would be trying to arrange holidays like you.

You have all been so kind and it has helped a great deal. We have now sent an email saying we will pick the children up and asking them to let us know as soon as possible so we can book the holiday.
We will see how that goes.
I do think that it's abig thing between my daughter and my husband I was a widow for 3 years before I remarried and never thought I would.
I think she feels jealous that I didn't move to Cornwall when they did but I wouldn't want to do that anyway even if I was alone. I like it here in Llandudno

June I sympathise with you and your DH. I had a similar problem with my stepson in the early days and found it difficult to spend a lot of time with him. As he lived abroad we really had to find a solution so that my DH didn't miss out on seeing his dgc. We found that the best way to tackle it was to build in some time alone during our visits doing things that I enjoyed. We would spend 3 or 4 days with the family, then go off somewhere else for a few days, before returning to see the family for another couple of days. I think this took the pressure off everyone and worked very well.

Eventually, things got easier and we became quite good friends. Now I am close to the dgc and regard them as my own. DH and I have been together for 29 years now and it probably took about 10 years before we all adjusted to each other.

I know it can be very painful being a step parent and feeling that you are not wanted. I always said I felt that I had all the responsibilities of a parent but none of the pleasures.

I hope that you manage to enjoy your holiday and that things get easier for you.

Good to hear there is a temporary solution, june. You must dread it every time you want to see them. Could your daughter not be happy for you that you have somene that you care about, who cares about you? Is there a way of making light of this tension so things do not get heated again? I remember my friend leaving her husband and daughter's boyfriend (they were very brittle with each other) together in her sitting room, and as she went out of the door she joked 'I don't want any bloodshed - that room's just been decorated!' Since then, they have both been frendlier when they are together, although her husband still can't stand him!

juneh, I saw your post almost as soon as you wrote it and my heart went out to you,but I did not have time to reply then. I had been thinking about it and I too wondered if your daughter had resented your remarriage. My Mum died a bit too early and my Father seemed to put himself 'back on the market' a bit too soon for all of our liking and it hurt like hell. I am not trying to say you are at fault in any way - just point out that children (at whatever age)who loose a parent can find it very difficult to see the remaining parent in another relationship.

I am also in a second marriage and the dynamics of step-children relationships are fraught with spoken and un-spoken tensions no matter how long the family has been 're-constituted'. If your husband is set in his ways about how he feels about your daughter, going over that arguement time and again might just be a bit of a waste of emotional energy. He sounds quite set and perhaps you will just have to ask yourself whats more important. Perhaps just finding away of getting what you most want (contact with Grandchildren) and putting up with what your husband can cope with might be how its got to be for the time being. Always best to play the long game, your grandchildren are getting older and will be able to form the relationship they want with you as time passes. As to your daughter (I've got two and it can be so tricky), perhaps just addressing the issues you have with each other separately from your grandchildren might be helpfull. Mind you, I'm no great expert, I think I upset my younger daughter yesterday by waffling away on the phone and missconstruing something....hey ho....I'll just bide my time and have another chat with her in a day or two. Good luck and just hang on to whats important.

Thankyou for all your replies believe me I have done everything to try to compromise with both sides. It would seem that I may have to go down once again on my own but I so wanted a holiday with the girls away from the parents. However after some arguing my husband has agreed to get to Devon and then next day drive half way to pick them up as my daughter requested but I can see that it's choking him. Before he agreed I said that I would go alone and rent a cottage for a couple of weeks in the school hols and that way they could come and go.

I think the route of the problem is my daughter does resent me having remarried and it's true she is very off hand with OH which I too find difficult. Sometimes I am shocked at how off hand and bad mannered that is I have told her but she just denies it. I feel better for having got it off my chest thanks again all. It does seem that as I get towards 70 and she to nearly 50 our relationship is deteriorating.

Sorry, just realised you'd be driving down this time. It is a long journey, but hopefully your OH and daughter will still bend a little to meet the rest of the family part way when they know how much it means to you?

Sorry to hear this june. Could you go on the holiday together and then just you go and pick the girls up? Would your husband agree to that?

I am sure there isn't a 'right' answer to this and that all any of us can do is offer suggestions..

When he calms down can you explain to him that it is not about them but about you? If you could make him see that you understand how he feels and that you feel the same but are prepared to forget your pride so that you can see the girls and how much it would mean to him to help you do this? If he feels pushed out perhaps he is and your understanding and agreeing with him might make his feel better?

Good luck.

Can relate to this up to a point in that my partner has taken against my daughter and her husband. This isn't in a blatantly obvious way but he will make comments about them which annoys me [my son can do no wrong in his eyes]. Blood relatives will ignore bad behaviour of any kind from their offspring and your husband can see that your daughter is behaving in a totally unfair way, both to you and your grandchildren. But that doesn't mean he's right to not help you to see the children. Does he have children of his own, because if he did he would, perhaps, understand more. I spend a lot of time biting my tongue. I know this is a silly thing to say but I need to get it of my chest. The S.O. expects people to take off their shoes in his house as he has new cream carpets but, in both of the houses that my daughter has lived in he seems to make a point of not taking off his shoes, even when everyone else is doing so. It was more important when they lived ina big city and the children were at the crawling stage and they wanted to keep the floor clean. I got very uptight yesterday when it happened again, but didn't want to turn to him and say 'please take your shoes off'. We always said as well that, within our family we can say things to each other that we can't say to step family ie that we have to be polite to them [does that make semse?].

Oh*juneh*- how awful for you! Having read your profile, I see that my background is very similar to yours and we both have children so can sympathise and can see what an awkward situation you have there.
It really depends on the relationship you have with your daughter- could you not write her an email saying how much you'd love to see them all, but as you're both getting on a bit (I hate to play that card, but needs must) that you will have had enough driving x hours to Devon and would really appreciate it if she would bring the girls to you? I wouldn't mention the row with DH.

So many family members appearing not to be prepared to compromise, juneh and don't you also live near the coast? They could come for a holiday near you, too.

In my famiiy, we start off saying what we'd like to do, then find a way of fitting in with each other. Could each person not give a little so you can find a happy medium? If you're flying to Newquay, how about staying in the area so they can have a few days with you, then move on to Devon for the rest of your holday?

Perhaps the row is still too recent and raw for you and your OH to start problem-solving. I hope it all subsides and you can plan a famly holiday that you can all enjoy.