painful subject!

That's wrong. You've gone through a form of bereavement but one that you can't put any sort of closure on. It would also help if you could make some sort of sense of how and why it happened .

My heart goes out to you Celebgran and I so completely understand why you asked, why you tried and why you are so saddened again. If a friend asked me for help I wouldn't hesitate to step up to the mark and do my best but, being in your situation for some years now, I know only too well that 'I'd rather not be involved' stance and how I've wished for those people to have to stand in my shoes. I do stand in your shoes and I understand the people who refuse to get involved, and who credit themselves with all sorts of virtuous reasons, but it doesn't make me like them any more.

Ooops, which is why my list of friends is very short these days.

Oh dear. You have to be depressed to have CBT and not just in acute pain. What is the world coming to. Did you have to fill in a computer questionnaire.

Thanks Tegan another lady I know who is similar boat calls it living bereavment and says there is no pain like it, I agree!!

Yes it would so help to have some sort of closure even if she would see me herself to explain, but I was only worth a 2nd class letter 4 years ago when she wrote to cut me out of her life, she took cowardly way out, and got her husband to ring her godparents to cut them out.

You are very perceptive I do need to try and make some sense of it.

Yes Jess M they read the questionairre out to me on the phone!! I did not score highly enough. great.

thanks Nan ban for pm will answer it shortly!!

celeb perhaps relate or some other community counselling service could help. You deserve some really good quality listening. If you can afford it the BAC site lists qualified counsellors by area and specialist areas.

thanks Jess M I must admit I did have very good counselling for nearly a year after it all happened, then the govt changed the system and I was unable to have any more at our surgery and the counsellor who was excellent had to stop coming, and he retired I believe, or went into lecturing or something sadly his wife was ill also.

So I guess I really have to try and make sense of this on my own, I can`t keep on having counselling, I just felt as it looks like things not likely to change in near future I need to change my expectations.

Thanks for all the tips. I did see another counsellor when found out about new baby, but I could not relate to him. may do some research online.

I know a little of how you feel. When DD had anorexia and was in the Priory, she told us it was all ou fault and she didn't want anything to do with us!
She then went on to make disastrous marriage and gradually became revonciled with us!
After my DH died she got a divorce and ca,e to live with me while she took her PGCE.
She is now happy with new partner and my DGD,we see each other regularly and are great friends as well. I now frequently am asked for advice, but only give it when asked.
There can be light at the end of the tunnel and I hope there is for you!

celeb I think counselling is an on-going thing, not a one-off-and then- it's-sorted kind of thing. As Jess says, you need someone to offload onto.
I know that the system changed - a friend of mine was employed at a doctor's, but it was stopped because people had to be referred to the hospital first for some reason.
I think also that it's important to have good rapport with a counsellor - ok you didn't relate to the last one, but it may be worth seeing if you can find one that you do get on with.

agree Jane but do feel I have talked the whole thing to death and not sure if any one will be able to make sense of it with me other than my DD it is 4 years now since anyone family or friends spoken to her and we really are struggling to come to terms or make any sense it, sometimes have to accept we cannot change things.

read article about family conflict over weekend and it said if there is severe hostility and determination to carry on nastiness from one side there really is nothing you can do but wait to see if things may change one day. Good advice I guess.

sorry Jane forgot to say thanks for advice and I did have around 12 sessions with first counsellor it was not a one off - guess I will always need some sort of props, you can`t keep boring good friends with it all.

however I wonder if it is just more upsetting keep going over it, no easy answers!!!

Gallo sorry you went through rough time too, glad it turned around and there is always that hope!!

celebgran I know of a family that were estranged for about eighteen years and then the lady had a baby and realised she needed her child to know who his family were. She broke the ice by sending a card and then over time they talked on the phone and now they visit regularly. Never give up hope

thank you harrigran what an uplifting story!! would so hope we can achieve some sort reconciliation before we die!! know that sounds morbid but you know what I mean.

Desperately try to keep some hope alive!!

I'm meeting my cousin who I haven't seen in 40 years, not for any particuar reason - just drifted apart.

We have spoken two or three times after I got in touch and am looking forward to our first meeting in a couple of weeks.

celebgran my mother didn't speak to me for 6 years mainly because I didn't go to a cousin's wedding . One day, after no contact at all, she rang me up and started talking to me as though nothing had happened. During all that time my brothers didn't speak to me at all either because of things my mum was telling them about me. My brothers and I are now closer than ever.

I'm certain you are not like my Mum celeb but I wanted you to know that there is always a chance of reconciliation.

celebgran would you try and have some CBT sessions? It is an excellent form of therapy and would help you to cope with your current situation and to move on with life. Some surgeries suggest it on the NHS but not all. Private therapists are out there too and I am sure if you 'Google' you would find one in your area. No idea of costs though. Just make sure they are registered. Good luck.

hi I got to thinking and have contacted a counsellor in my area, there are loads listed, picked one liked look of and she offeres first one free to see if you suited, after that is about £25 hours will see if think worth it.

OH May come too!!

thanks Kittylester for sharing that with me, I do try to keep hope alive, but have written so many lovely letters and cards to her with ZERO Response that do despair she will ever change her mind.

good to still have hope tho!!

Well done celeb hope you get on well with the counsellor.

thanks Jane not heard back from her yet emailed her this afternoon.

may contact another one also in case do not like this one!!!

Good. A free first session is a good sign. If you don't find it useful keep looking.
have you looked at the BAC site - it is the best place to look I think.

thanks Jess M, it will be expensive, I am fuming just run the health in mind n h s thing, only to have some very unhelpful lady ring me back more or less saying get lost!! I have had an assessment she said and can have another one, but as I did not qualify before she implied would be the same.

So I said do I have to be suicidal to qualify? of course she denied that.

It does seem very very wrong OH IS retired, I only earn a very small amount and paying out £30 - 50 an hour will be pretty difficult.

will give it a go to see I think, the lady was full up who offered first consultation free! Have made appt with another lady first consult is £20 shame it all comes down to what you can afford!!!

Look at Relate - I think people contribute according to means. Or a local counselling centre run by a number of charities.
Is paying for counselling under NHS is at GP discretion? Anyone know?

Jess I think the problem with NHS is that patients have to be referred to secondary care before they can get counselling now.
My friend used to do counselling in a GP's surgery and at first the doctor could refer direct to her.
Once secondary care got involved things became much more complicated - she knew there would be patients needing her services but unless 2ndary care sent them back, she couldn't see them.
She gave up in the end and offered a private service.

ah I see Jane. sort of. 'secondary care" euphemism in this case for psychiatric services? So they would be interested in psychiatric stuff rather than common or garden distress that is not 'clinical" in nature?

Jess secondary care = hospitals, primary care = GPs.
In this case secondary = Mental Health Services
I suspect it's a funding issue, and quite possibly MHS are triaging(rationing) what can be provided on the NHS, rather than GPs being able to provide counselling for anyone.