...... to think most men become grumpier and more intolerant as they age

Went to Warwick Words Literary Festival last year and heard Pam Ayres read 'They Should Have Asked My Husband'.....anyone know it? Very funny and very relevant to this discussion.

grrrrranny Marelli harrigran ohhhhh I am ok don't worry about me..but it does make things a little easier to bare when you know others are in similar situ (not that I would wish that upon anyone)! he has been long long time ill and of course it's always!! his Last birthday! lol.. like this weekend reletives have invited themselves to ours..for tea (in the nicest possible way) and I love their company...DH told them (without my consent) that ohhhhh yes come here for tea!! yes!! yes!! come here! .....hmm... so once off the phone I tells him "I have quite enough to do as I am trying to decorate, blitz the house, also I am looking after DG tonight until later tomorrow whilst DD has a little break...so I said we will go out for tea! (which he groaned about both financilaly and physicaly) it takes all his breath to get changed and to walk the very short distance to car so going out for a meal is like organising a military operation, which is ok as the visitors that are coming is his son who is an army person lol.. but they don't see behind the scenes sort of! (although they are well aware of DH mood swings) cos I email them now and again dicretely) I do feel sorry for DH but that's all it is, I do what I can and I can count to 100 very quietly under my breath now lol. I shall now get my bits n bobs ready and pick up GS and go to stay at DD which is only approx 1 mile away........bliss We have just been to Llandudno last weekend DH and I....it would have been brill!! (If they had booked the RIGHT weekend for me at the hotel)!! we ended up having to stay next door but one then go back to the original hotel for Evening meals...(long story).ahhhhhhh
I shall close my eyes and in no time will be walking along the Llandudno prom sighhhhhhh..... ok bfn now all..

Reading all this I think I must be very lucky. Mine is 69 and yes, he is grumpy but I can jolly him out of it in the same way as he can deal with me when I am less than perfect. I suppose if your marriage is fundamentally good these thing irritate but don't become a big deal but it must be very hard if it is part of a bigger issue.

Some years ago we were on a long journey and our son was in the back of the car. We put on a Grumpy Old Man tape and were all in stitches as he fit most of the comments including just having bought a pair of Blue Harbour jeans. We went to see Grumpy Old Women a few years back and I spent most of the show jabbing him in the ribs and telling him they were on about him not me!

A friend and I were in a gift shop and noticed that they had loads of Grumpy Old Woman mugs but only one Grumpy Old Man one. Presumably they had sold them all!

My dh is just coming out of a sulk started yesterday after a row. He is never elated, only ever gets as far as mildly happy. Has a bias to seeing himself hard done by or put upon by others (ESP me).

After coping for 45 years I'm not going through the upheaval of leaving now and the good thing is that whereas when I was younger I would feel devastated if we were not getting on, now I stay cheerful and get on with my own life quite happily.

Oh, don't talk about the football!

Mine always predicts bad weather for the days when he goes flying his toy model aeroplanes. He knows quite well it would take a nothing short of a hurricane to stop 'em!

They also become a bit dotty and then you can laugh at them-on the whole I prefer to become excessively Pollyannaish-I even irritate myself-but I read somewhere in the Paraolympics that a vice president of somewhere laughed himself through pain-I can now see why I irritate DH all this half assimilated info.

He's just come in from cleaning the windows to inform me that so-and-so has died, but someone else that he thought had died, hadn't because they'd been seen going into their house......such is life! Anyway, it cheered him up a bit !

There are rather a lot of men in practice for becoming grumpy at quite a young age. My SIL has been having a grump this morning - he doesn't realise what a misery he sounds like. Every Friday, he predicts that the football will be a disaster, it will rain so he can't cut the grass, something is bound to stop him finishing work early and on and on, ad infinitum. My DD tells him to go and grumble to himself somewhere else, and the grass had better be cut, even if it's in a thunderstorm

biker, I echo grrrranny's comment. It'll be a hard situation indeed for you . My own DH has also turned into a Victor Meldrew/Grumpy Old Man. Over the years he's grown steadily worse, and it sets my teeth on edge when he makes comment on soaps on TV - a slight snigger, as if to say - 'that wouldn't happen in real life'. I often rise to the bait and retort that it isn't real life, it's a fairy tale, remember? Moan, complain, grumble....about this in the paper, about so and so being the way they are.....! On some days I turn round and say "Oh - for God's sake stop bl...y moaning! However, at the moment he's cleaning the windows (bless him), and I can hear him nattering away to the neighbours as he does it - though no doubt he'll come in with some catty comment about something they said!

Hear, hear, harri! It is like toddler behaviour – the sort one discourages by not allowing it to continue.

Tut,tut even

biker [flowers} You have more than earned them.

I do not see it as my job to cajole or jolly him out of a strop, if he wants to be a grump he can do it in his own space and get TF out of mine. When they retire why do they think they are experts on household management ?

biker you have hinted at your situation before and I really feel for you. A horrible situation and I wish I had some ideas about how to help you through this but I just don't so can only send you sympathy.

One of my friends moans constantly about how narrow her husband's world has become. He does all of the above ranting and bores her witless talking about the many types of adhesive that are now available! She loves him dearly but, although she lives somewhere really beautiful, she would like the odd visit to places of interest and a meal out. They can afford it. But he says 'why go anywhere? It's lovely here.' She'd go on her own or with her sister or me but he makes her feel worried for his health. He's been on death's door for five years now!

I agree with notso they never really grow up and have to be 'handled' just like a toddler! Men are men and women are women and we have to accept the difference or we will be very unhappy. Despite me bringing them up my sons all turned into men! so I know there is nothing to be done to stop it.

However - just like a toddler they need to be distracted from their tantrums by being given tasks suitable for their ability be it golf, DIY or whatever. The alternative is to laugh/tease them out of it. I kept pointing out to DH that his glass was half empty every time he grumped and it has helped. I would start a journed with a request that we could do this one without complaining about other drivers and he would really try. He would rapidly become a couch potatoe given a chance so I gently chivvie him into exercise. "Whatever" is the reply I give if he is really getting on my nerves and that usually makes him realise he is doing it again. They don't mean it, they don't even know they are doing it!

And of course it helps that I have a good friend just down the road and we can sit and moan together! helps too.

And remember ladies, they don't understand us either!

My family and friends thought I was very generous to encourage my husband to go to badminton four evenings a week, to spend his weekends either with his sailing boat, golfing, or fishing and to spend most of his salary on his hobbies. He did virtually nothing around the house and neglected the huge garden (we had horses, stables, paddocks, etc.)
In fact, it was just my way of getting shut of him so I could get on with my chores, my studies , watch the girls riding without his constant criticism (he had never been on a horse), talk to my friends, or go shopping without his 'input'!
I would have left him much sooner, but I waited until I could afford to support my daughters in comfort, as I did not want them to suffer through the divorce. They were entirely supportive of me when I finally made the break, as they were well aware of his selfishness - they were nearly 15 and 16 and a half. We split the proceeds of the house sale 50/50 - half for him and half for me and the girls. He gave the younger girl £100 a month pocket money until she was 16 - otherwise he paid nothing. My solicitor thought I was mad, but I was just so glad to be free.
I was only 38 and had a good career - I do appreciate that it would be much harder to 'go it alone' if you are much older and financially dependent.
Now I am off for a long walk without telling anyone exactly where I am going and when I will be back!
I

I agree with whoever said it is important for them to have hobbies. I do get very annoyed when DH seems to think the two clubs he belongs to are more important than the family but I know really it is good for him to be so involved. Channels his energies and probably helps to keep his marbles in place.

This is all very helpful, as I thought it was only my MOF (moaning old fart fogey) who behaved like this. It is actually quite reassuring to find it's quite common. What really annoys me is that he is perfectly wonderful to the rest of the family who don't see this side of him.

How amazing, that something I thought was unique to me, has through this website, altered my perception. Thanks GN.

I should! have left many yrs ago..and yes they get grumpier and worse as they get older.also if they have an illness they think that everyone else has given it to them!. my DH (I use the term"D" loosely)! he has had moods for ever.if somehting doesnt suit he takes to his bed (as fast as the stair lift will take him) lol.and he may stay there fora couple of days..so yes I tread on eggshells all the time..and no they don't "do it" in front of family or friends..in fact my mum n dad have stopped visiting and very rarley come now, as you never know what mood he is in....I have thought of leaving but my situ is sligtly different as DH is 20 yrs older then me (me 56 he 77) and has ill health although he has been with ill health for many many yrs..I think to myself why should I uproot have to sell house etc..and rock the boat..so I just sit tight. Of course he has also been my rock at times and not all bad but he always been grumpy..think he was born grumpy lol..but I just feel sorry for him now..nothing else..he is not my husband anymore just an old man that a care for (when I say care I dont mean as "care as love")each situation is different but!! I would personly say it doesn't get any better..but then theres always "Gransnet" lol...

I can understand the reluctance on women's part, to end relationships that have been generally fine until recently, and when there are three or more intertwined generations who would all be impacted by a split BUT doesn't it work both ways? Why do men feel this sense of entitlement to behave so unreaonably as to alienate their partners and create such tension in the home? This is selfishness and arrogance, and I would be having strong words.....sort yourself out or go and do your moaning somewhere else.

Women haven't been put on this earth to be long-suffering and it is not our role to appease men. Once unsuccessful attempts have been made to resolve the problem, I would get rid of the problem!

Quite right, G. That's my approach too. Haven't used the f word yet but have told him to stop being so bloody rude and inconsiderate if he gets in a directed-at-me grumpy mood. Thankfully, it is very rare, but I certainly don't put up with it when it does happen. Why should I? Why should anyone?

It should read 'shut the f**k up' but it wouldn't show four asterisks!

Speaking as someone who has been happily divorced for 33 years, I can only say that I wouldn't bother pandering and cajoling to a selfish, grumpy, inconsiderate partner. It is a type of bullying and we all agree that bullying must be tackled.
I did put up with a lot of selfishness during my twenty year marriage, possibly because I married at 18, but I wouldn't now. I would rant myself, treat him to a dose of his own medicine, or tell him to shut the up.

I didn't need a pre-retirement course - I couldn't wait to be free to spend my time exactly how I want.

granny23 love this idea. Why has no one thought of it before?

Ariadne now there's an idea. But is it not full of exactly the types we are trying to escape from? Only asking, no idea myself.

I think * grace* has hit the nail on the head. It's to do with mental flexibility.