DIL Denied Me Access to 1st and ONLY Grandson!

I believe my son has told her all the negative stuff that happened to him as a child and while I can't change that,I also believe that he should work on letting go of his past.

Your DS clearly feel strongly about his childhood. It’s very self-centred of you to diminish his feelings saying he needs to let go of his past. It’s your DIL and your DS’s right to decide who can be around their child, therefore your title of this post is a bit dramatic.

Btw I have only previously met my DIL three times and never once did she talk to me more than a few sentences and so doesn't know me at all!

Your DIL is basing her opinion on you solely on what your DS told her. Details of what happened during his childhood are not neccessary for this forum but have you written them a letter or made any attempt or effort to try and make peace with your son? Did you take accountability for your actions if you are the reason for these issues? It seems that you have unresolved issues with your DS and it has trickled and affected your DIL.

I think while it is so easy to jump on the “I hate DIL” bandwagon, handling this with more rational thought and pinpointing the exact cause might help your healing process and help you figure out the best steps to repair the relationships if that’s what you want to do.

I have an MIL who is self centred and oblivious to any wrongdoing that she has done to my DH or her daughter during their childhood. She is already estranged from her daughter. My DH has told me about all the negatives that occurred during his childhood due to her and while I am shocked, it’s not my place to say anything about it. But it is my place to make sure that her negative traits and behaviour are not done around my children. And knowing what I know, it has definitely put me into protective mode with my MIL. DH and MIL are not close but we allow her to see our daughter. I respect my DH’s choices and as long as MIL is respectful and behaves, we will support MIL visits. I am civil to her but I am also keeping a watchful eye over her.

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. Unfortunately the same thing happened to me. We accepted her into the family with open arms and my son and daughter used to go out together with their partners and we all got along great. But then my daughter noticed a change in her and eventually my daughter stopped going out with them. She turned very nasty and started picking up on everything my daughter would say or do which turned my son against his sister. We carried on as normal until she got pregnant and for some reason she turned against me. I was always very close to my son and I think she got jealous. She did exactly the same as she did with my daughter. When she had the baby she wouldn't let me go to the hospital to see her and she was my first GC and I was so excited but I respected her decision. Anyway I had to wait until she said I could see her. After that things just got worse. She would constantly make remarks to me and I would always cry after a visit. To cut a very long story short. I eventually gave up as I was just getting too upset by her. My husband continued to visit them so I still got to see pictures of my gd and I have had to be grateful for that. I have not seen her now for 4 years and not spoken to my son either but my husband still keeps contact and that's even a struggle now. I believe he will get fed up too as it's very one-sided. She has broken my heart and my family. She's a very nasty women. The only good thing about it is my son is happy with her and seems oblivious to what she has done. As long as he is happy that's all I can wish for. So my advice to you is accept that you are not going to see your GS and get on with your life and be there for your son if he ever needs you.

There’s nothing to be said, really, except just hope things improve as the years go by. We don’t know the full situation ,nor should we on a forum like this but it is a sad thing that they cannot at least have minimal contact with you.

Bibbity When a person becomes a parent a lot of things are put into perspective. And we start thinking back to our childhoods through new eyes.
Agreed. And when a person becomes a grandparent they too see things differently. And maybe see their own attempts at parenthood through new eyes. This is the path we travel as we go through life, hopefully learning all the way.

That happened with my husband. They usually A. Don’t know how bad it was as they don’t know any different.
Or B. Don’t actually know there is a genuine way out because of conditioning.

My husband once told his mother he would never ever stop her seeing his future children like his brother had.

He cut her out 4 years ago. She’s never met our youngest.
When a person becomes a parent a lot of things are put into perspective. And we start thinking back to our childhoods through new eyes.

Predictive text - difference of course ? (Apologies )

Just out of interest - would it have=made any indifference at all if this had not been your 1st and ONLY grandson ?
(Just wondering why the shouty capitals)

It may be that the OP's son and d.i.l. feel they need to protect their child from her however, that doesn't explain why her son has now estranged her and why his sisters have also been cut out.

The OP and her son were in regular contact, he stayed with her and spoke of his unhappiness with his relationship, to the point that he was thinking of ending the relationship, but that changed when she became pregnant.

There is indeed "something amiss here" PaperMonster when a son, in spite of what may or may not have occurred during his childhood, had remained in a relationship with his mother, for him to then estrange her with no explanation.

I agree with your post Chestnut and have found some of the responses to the OP who has had thoughts of suicide unnecessarily cruel and judgemental.

Yup, there’s something amiss here and it’s neither the son or the daughter in law.

I read it the same way you did MOnica

chestnut I can only write about the impression the OP made on me and I have been very careful to make this clear throughout my post. I have also explained what in the post made me think like that. I have not accuse the OP of anything, nor I am being nasty. If the OP returns, she may like to comment on what she said, reword it or explain it.

Rereading the thread, I am not the only one to feel ambivalent about the OP, and it is in fact quite a short thread, barely one and a half pages.

I have previously contributed to this thread, a post that was considered helpful

M0nica

I am sorry I read this OP as being very self centred, which may tell us something about what went before.

The title alone, with 'only' in caps and accusing her DiL of denying her access, as if she had the right to it and someone was denying her her rights, smacks of someone who expects to get everything her way all the time.

We have many estrangement threads and some are really sad, but this one with its sense of entitlment would have me running for the hills if I was the DiL

I have re-read the OP and I see no accusations or sense of entitlement so I think you're being very unfair to say that. She has expressed huge sorrow and thoughts of suicide and you are saying things which will only make her feel worse.

Some of these threads run for much too long and outstay their usefulness when people start getting nasty instead of helpful.

I am sorry I read this OP as being very self centred, which may tell us something about what went before.

The title alone, with 'only' in caps and accusing her DiL of denying her access, as if she had the right to it and someone was denying her her rights, smacks of someone who expects to get everything her way all the time.

We have many estrangement threads and some are really sad, but this one with its sense of entitlment would have me running for the hills if I was the DiL

Bibbity The Op has purposely glanced over potential trauma that her son has had to suffer that could be the very reason these two adults are protecting their child from her yet all we hear about is the pity party and painting the DIL as the villain.
I don't think anyone thinks she is a villain. She is going by what her husband told her and appears to be protecting her child from what she perceives as negative influences.
Whatever happened in the past the OP is clearly suffering by not having contact with her son and grandchild. Even if she is the cause of past trauma she may be regretful and wishing to make amends.
Neither woman is being vilified here, just trying to understand where they are both coming from.

That aspect of the post could be discussed without the OP having to disclose the nature of the issues between herself and her son, though.

It may be true that the situation needs to be viewed in the light of the fact that issues exist (which it has been, in a number of posts), but it seems a bit salacious to ask for the details.

Namsnanny

What a ridiculous post.

The Op has purposely glanced over potential trauma that her son has had to suffer that could be the very reason these two adults are protecting their child from her yet all we hear about is the pity party and painting the DIL as the villain.

It’s not the forums business, but it certainly is dIls. Whatever her son has shared has triggered her momma bear instincts. She’s protecting her child. If your son wants you to meet your grandchild, he would do so.

I'm so sorry that you are having to live with the pain of estrangement 5fatkittenz.

It does look from your OP that it is your d.i.l. who has been instrumental in bringing about the loss of your son and GC, something that many EP's have had to face.

You say your son said in December that he misses his family and that until his wife became pregnant you got on "great", so this certainly looks as if this is due to his wife not wanting anything at all to do with you, rather than any hurt and/or resentment your son has toward you because of his past.

It is hard to accept that there's nothing you can do and also your son's part in all of this. Your GS isn't her son, he is their son and it's up to your son to enable their child to see his paternal GP's.

GP's have no rights to see their GC but children do have the right to know their extended family which of course includes GP's.

Your d.i.l. also preventing your D's, her husband's sisters from seeing the child smacks of control and the possibility that she is using coercive control with your son. The 'timing' of the pregnancy also springs to mind.

Unfortunately, as you have only ever met her 3 times, it does look as if she'd decided to dislike you from the start and if this is because of what your son has said about his past, one wonders why she has been so judgemental of you when your son was still very much a part of your life, and you his.

Maybe she suspects or even knows that he was expressing his dissatisfaction with their relationship to you, and if she is exercising coercive control, like all abusers she'll want to distance her 'victim' from anyone whose influence may be stronger than her own.

There is, what ever the reason(s) for this estrangement, nothing you can do accept wait and hope that there'll be a change.

It's good that you are having therapy and the reason why estrangement is referred too as a living bereavement is because that's precisely what it is.

You may want to take a look at the 'Support for all living with estrangement' thread on the Estrangement forum where you will find others who share your experience, myself included, and will offer what ever help and support that we can.

I agree, greenlady, but not with the OP being asked to say on here what the negative things were. This is nowhere near as private a place as a lot of people think, and neither is it a confessional.

Doodledog

Well said, Namsnanny.

thanks

Doodledog

Oops! I meant about the past being none of our business.

well I kind of agree, but there is a dripfeed gap here....

because "he misses his family" but also "This is my son's partner choice and never once I have spoken out against her. I believe my son has told her all the negative stuff that happened to him as a child and while I can't change that,I also believe that he should work on letting go of his past."

I don't think its right for ANYBODY to have views on how people should deal with past "negative stuff" especially not the people who were involved in it and especially especially not the people who were part of it or to blame.

Oops! I meant about the past being none of our business.

Well said, Namsnanny.

M0nica

I understand your distress, but quite simply you have no rights to see your grandchild. Tragic though your situation is you must seek help, counselling or some other therapy to help you cope with this sadness in your life.

Sad but the only way to go.

Bibbity

* I believe my son has told her all the negative stuff that happened to him as a child*

So. What happened.

None of your or my business.

We cant play judge and jury.

We too are only human like the op.