New grandparents

My daughter inlaw had baby in nov but unfortunately none of the family could be there, just my son. So they had all the time to themselves. I don’t live local so I’m yet to meet my newest granddaughter. I’m hoping to get to see her in two weeks. A friend of mine her daughter had baby last year and she moved in with her daughter for a month. Things have changed since you had a child in fact things have changed since all my other grandkids have arrived. I’m the inlaw so I’ve never being asked if I’d like to help and I have offered. So my advice would be tell her you there if she needs you but also don’t forget your son inlaw also has a mum it’s also her grandkid too and you wouldn’t have your grandchild without him too lol.

Congratulations! I agree with some of the other posts, my daughter had our first grandchild at Christmas and as a nurse an ex midwife (from many years ago) I was doubly aware of only giving advice when asked as things have changed so much. They are all doing really well and are lovely parents. It’s brilliant being a grandparent, I’ve done lots of knitting for him and my daughter does live the things I make, but am aware that not many mums these days want their babies in ‘home knits’, so just go with the flow and help where needed. We visit them regularly, but I always take lunch with us and a nice cake so that our visits don’t create lots of extra work.
Just enjoy whatever comes.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

In the early days - non-judgmental, agreed, cleaning, washing, shopping - as they need. Don't be a gran who expects domestic standards to be high and baby to be clean and quiet at all times. But you won't - or you would not be asking this now. At lot depends on how much practical help her partner is.

Do new mothers actually need support? I managed very well with my three who were under five My daughters have both managed very well as well. They found their own way of doing things and I think they appreciated the fact that I did not 'butt in' as many parents and parent in laws do. So just wait until asked about something. She will be fine.

The very fact you have asked that question just shows how very supportive you are. I am the mother of three daughters and 4 grandchildren ( 1 IVF). I always support the mother first. The children's parents can look after them, I look after their mother. Your daughter will become a mother at the birth. I've seen it so many times before, even a rugby playing Head of HR altered her working hours to fit round the adored new baby. I'm on a rota for school pick up and care whilst mothers work and for any other time if available. When mother ill I support and also with advice......when asked. As a mother you know you are the anchor in the maelstrom of life. That never ends. You sound like you'll be great grandparents. Many best wishes for fabulous new roles.

I agree theoddbird, why is support automatically assumed to be needed for all new parents?

It depends! Some new parents do, some dont.

In my case, my husband and I found new ways of doing things, it worked great.

Just the thought of having additional people around me I had to worry about (were they comfortable, did they need anything?) Or manage and give them tasks to help me increased my anxiety tenfold.

Congrats to all! My middle daughter always said she wouldn't have kids (she's from a big family,so it put her off maybe?!) Now she has two and is such a devoted mum so don't worry..its possible your DD never mentioned wanting one as it was such a long struggle trying maybe? Anyway, only offer advice when needed, (asked for!) And let her know know you're there whenever she & her hubby need/want you.?

Yes,and if they dont need you, they dont.?

Just do a better job than my mother did. I was 23 (an only child), no experience will children and my mother who worked full time just said she was too busy to help and her partner was an arse and probably wouldn’t let her help or visit anyway. She now wonders 25 years later why we aren’t close and she rarely hears from her only grandchild.

I’d echo the above comments about not seeming motherly. We were married for 10 years without trying for a baby, stopped trying not to, and got pregnant within a few months. I was never the motherly type. I didn’t coo over babies like my school friends did, puppies yes.
And I worked on a delivery suite, and always joked it was a good thing professionally that babies started yowling if I picked them up - and I handed them back promptly! However, the minute my own arrived, that rush of love for the new little one was absolutely overwhelming and has never gone away, 30 years on.
And although I worked around babies, it’s not the same as having your own. Indeed the health visitors etc were inclined to assume I knew everything and probably didn’t help me as much as I needed. I was so grateful for my own mum, who quickly adapted from the Terry nappies she used for me and dB, and just got on with helping changing, winding a very colicky baby, and doing meals.
So my advice would be, just be around and help out with tasks when needed-but remember that things have moved on

Maybe she's played the 'not motherly' card to deflect questions about why they don't have a family. They must be thrilled, let them be thrilled and take your lead from them. You will be fine if you are so close anyway. I echo the comment don't give advice unless asked for - I still can't do it and it drives my AC up the wall!

DD had been married for 10 years and shown no signs of any maternal leanings before she had her first baby. Since then she's had another one. I started off keeping my distance (while catching up with all the things that had happened since I last had a baby) Six months later I was looking after him 5 days a week while she went back to work. You can never tell how these things will work out.

I always assumed that my DS and DIL didn’t want children, as they never mentioned it. I wasn’t going to be one of those ‘when are you going to make me a grandma’ types. It turned out that they had been trying for 8 years. Baby is 1 next week, but I haven’t met him yet.
DD wasn’t interested in babies, married late and had an egg donor baby when she was 45.
Both sets of parents were besotted, once they had a baby, so don’t worry. I’m sure that she will be a good mum, and you will enjoy being a gran. Just let them ask for help, give advice only when asked, and you will be fine.

Many congratulations!

The best thing you can do is to support your daughter in her first few weeks of being a mummy by taking over many of the domestic chores of the house, leaving her to familiarise herself with her newborn, it's needs and wants.

As you don't live close by, you may want to move in for a couple of weeks and be their 'skivvy'.

Anything is up for grabs, their washing, cooking and cleaning, so your daughter does not have to think about meal prep or shopping lists.

If you do stay, try to wheel the baby out for a walk each day (they often sleep much better in the fresh air...) so your daughter can have a guilt-free nap, which I am sure she will need.

You will probably sleep well at night too after all your labours but will know that you have done everything possible to help.

I don't know how you feel, knowing now that you were unaware they have been trying for a baby for 7 years. Be delighted for them, and maybe your assumption that she didn't seem maternal should now be discounted, as how you saw your daughter on this matter was maybe a ploy, due to what they were going through trying to conceive.

Also, more and more coupled want to wait, travel, safe, establish their careers before being parents nowadays. I was 19 when we married in 1976, and we lived overseas for many years, and we had our daughter in Abu Dhabi when I was not quite 28, and my husband 31.

In the years between us marrying in 1976, and having our daughter in 1985 I cannot tell you how often people 'hounded' me asking when were we having family?/why were we not having family? It was dreadful, and we did not have the added issue your daughter has had in conceiving.

Exciting times ahead for you all!!

How exciting for you, congratulations!
My advice would be : keep your nose out and only give advice when asked! My MIL was forever poking her nose in with gratuitous advice & it used to drive me mad. I swore I wouldn't be the same. I get on extremely well with DDIL and, difficult though it can be, I do try to keep my mouth zipped unless called upon. She & DS both know I'm here for them when they need me & GraffaC and as we live close, we are lucky to be able to take an active part in caring for our young grandsons.

My DD and SIL were eight years wed before the baby arrived and like others, I was shocked to hear they had been trying for a very long time to have a child. I always believed that they were happy as they were, enjoying the freedom of doing what they wanted when they wanted. I got the impression that a baby was never a priority but how wrong can you be.
And what a shock it was for them when baby arrived! They had one night home with new baby and rang asking if I would go over. I ended up seeing to the baby at night so they could get some rest (and I got up for work the next day!).
But my point is, just be there letting the couple know that they can call on you when needed. It is a lovely time for all and I do have a special bond with this grand-daughter. She was the first girl born into her father's family for 18 years so there was great excitement for them. A lovely time and they grow up so, so quickly.

Clearly she is the motherly type as she has been trying for 7 years You don't seem terribly motherly yourself Ask your daughter what support she would like

Basically, think back to how your mum supported you but it is important to talk to your daughter to find out what she wants.
My own mum lived some distance away and although my MIL lived just a few doors away I hardly saw hide nor hair of her and I had a 'C' section.

That's lovely news - being a G'ma is astonishing.
Best thing we did was to have changing mat, equipment, a set of spare clothes and a few toys here so DD didn't need to pack everything into the car when they came to visit.

Oh Lulu16 - that sounds so lonely...we all need kindness and encouragement. I’m sorry that the women closest to you didn’t offer you that.

The most important thing to remember is, her baby - her rules, even though sometimes you may want to offer advice - don't! Help, support, love - yes - oodles of it. My daughter, for the Mother's Day before our GD was bought, bought me a book which I think was printed for Gransnet for new grandparents. A wealth of info and good advice in it.

62Granny, what wonderful news! Grandchildren are such a delight. Just let her know that you are available if and when needed - and let her do things in her own way (not yours).

I wasn't the 'motherly' type either, not very fond of children - yet I loved all the days bringing up my four kids!

PLEASE don't worry about always thinking that she wasn't 'the motherly type' ..................... in my opinion, that's a myth!

I was NEVER the so-called 'motherly-type' - never played with babies / took them for walks around the block in their pushchairs/prams when I was younger / didn't 'play house with dolls and teddies' etc. I INSISTED that I wasn't having any children whatsoever .................. I ended up with THREE children and now have SEVEN grandchildren - all of which I've had regularly for 'over-nighters' and looked after while parents disappear for a couple of days at a time .

On the other hand, my younger sister, who would look after any - and ALL - babies in our neighbourhood and we all though she would go on to have lots of her own. She developed such a phobia of hospitals, that she didn't WANT any children - as it meant hospital visits AND going in to give birth. After 14yrs of being married, she accidentally got pregnant - to everybody's surprise. She's a WONDERFUL MOTHER and loves children to such an extent that she became a Special Needs Teaching Assistant and has TWO grandchildren - BUT she never had any more children after that ONE .

Don't offer too much advice to your daughter - she may want to do things her own way. Today's young mums often have very different ideas about things and 'please don't get me started on some of the clothes that they put their children into' .............................. it's not all pastel pink / blue / white like in MY day. BEFORE you decide to buy clothes / toys etc, make sure you have some idea what 'baby style' she'll be going for - she will appreciate you all the more for going with what she wants .

Enjoy getting to know - and love - your grandchild!