Cinderella - The Gransnet Panto!

Backstage therapist: 'I knew I'd be needed. There, there....now tell me all about it. Why do you think Cinderella is trying to upstage you? Yes, I know she has a pretty dress, but you look so interesting in that teapot dress with lid hat, Salmonella. Just lie there while I have a word with the prompter - he's crying outside my door, and I think he's putting his coat on to go home. Oh, hello, Baron Hardup - I thought we were meeting at 11 am? No, I wasn't ignoring you, I've just got rather a full list this morning. Why don't you be brave and take a deep breath, then march onto to the stage as if....nooo, don't start cutting your wrists again - you make a good Baron. Come on now, have a cup of tea and calm down. I just need to divert this phone call from the prince - he's been talking to Max Clifford about a superinjunction and now it's going to hit the headlines...yes, prince, I'm sure it will not affect the ball, don't stress, take some camomile tea....oh, dear!'

(Didn't Cinders arrive a few moments ago , in a Maserati or did I imagine that?)

It is Cinderella's entrance and the Prince pays her attention
The reactions of my darling girls perhaps I'd best not mention!!

(New Prompt: Cinders is still in the Kitchen! This is Plot One, yes? Any one want a Plot Two as well? I'd like to carry on.)

While the rest of you have tantrums I shall make the best of this
He'll propose to one of MY girls then live in eternal bliss!

He is clutching my Chlamydia and he's rockin' with Rubella
While seducing Salmonella, what a lovely, lovely fella!

(Prompt - I've had enough. They missed the bit about the old lady in the woods with the prince and Dandini, and now all these bits of kindling are blowing round the stage. If they don't get back on track, I'm going on STRIKE for better pay and conditions, including a tea break - I'm parched)

(Throws script to the floor and stomps off)

(Prompt - help, I'm Lost...we seem to have two alternate realities here...!)

FG "Scuse me babe but where we got to?
Feel a bit lost in this 'ere panto
Cinders last seen ironing dresses
Painting nails and curling tresses
Thought I'd let her do the bling
Before I do my fairy thing"
(slow down, we can make this last all day folks!)

Gosh I am just a little mouse
Sitting waiting in this house
When is the fairy godmother coming
Getting bored waiting here, humming
Barging past are the ugly sisters
Yuk their feet are full of blisters

Audience/children: 'Oooh, look mummy, Cinders is so pretty. Can I have an ice-cream? Whyyyyyyyyyy? I want one now....waaaaaahhhhhh. I want a wee............'

(Prompt - ok, but I was looking forward to the bit with the coach and the coachman.........)

Stepmum

My girls are up now and they're dancing
Twirling , swooping, cha-cha prancing.
So glad that Cinders isn't here
There's nothing now for us to fear!

(Prompt - you mean you want to skip the whole bit with the fairy grandmother and the pumpkin and the horse and the dove and ...........uh?)

(Enter Fairy Godmother 2, waving her wand)

Oh Cindy dear, what have we here?
A pumpkin coach – that's so last year.
If you're going to a party,
Nothing beats a Maserati.

We must do something with that dress.
It's not just retro – it's a mess.
When you have a royal date
The best thing is to copy Kate.

Are those slippers made of glass?
You'll slip and fall upon your… pass.
Let's have some rather nicer shoes,
Here's a pair of Jimmy Choos.

Now off you go and have some fun.
Remember to be back by one.

(Cinders hops into her shiny sports car and zooms off.)

I don't think that was quite right.
Not one o'clock, but by midnight.

(FG2 hurries off looking worried.)

...psssst...you there....prompt....shouldn't you be moving this script along? What do you mean, you've never done it before....get lost and let's have a prompter who knows what he's doing (men are so good at bossing women around - tee hee, or they think they are!).

Cinders (in the kitchen) - What the hell do I do with this bloody pumpkin?

OOOps - sack the Fairy Grandmother unless she gets Cinders here pronto! Has she arrived with her father?

He's behind you! (but awfully quiet)

(Cinders is still in the kitchen, isn't she?..........)

Audience: We want Baron Hardup.....we want Baron Hardup.....we want Baron Hardup....we want..........................

Oh no we WON'T!!

Audience: this is rubbish....boo....boo....gerrof!

Oh - you mustn't ask - Carla hates publicity...

Fairy grandmother

Cinders will be homeward winging
When the midnight bell starts ringing
So prince get up and start to dance
Or surely you will miss your chance!