Cinderella - The Gransnet Panto!

Stepmum
I reckon you should know your place
You wanton! You should hide your face.
Buttons is good enough for you
So scram, skedaddle, toodle-oo.

You can't rush an art house panto like this......

The step mother is meddling
Hoping it will be her daughter's wedding
They are mean and nasty
Looks like they eat many a pasty
I will win the prince I will
See I can dance and sing and kill

Critic: Nearly twenty hours and it is still Act 1. Is it the Ring Cycle or War and Peace?

Stepmum

So here at last you greedy gel!
Turned up to make MY girls well jell?
You've had one prince, now want another
You're reckoning without their MOTHER!!

Buttons is sat alone in the kitchen, and says to the audience 'Cinders doesn't know how much I lust after her. She's the one for me, but I know someone really special will come along and sweep her off her feet. I saw that Justin Bieber hanging round the back door. I hope she likes a more mature man.....meaning me!'

Cinders enters the kitchen. 'What are you doing Buttons? Shouldn't you be grooming the horses and emptying the mouse traps? I've just met a funny old woman in the wood - she told me I'm going to meet a fine young man who will give me everything I've ever wanted, and I won't have to live with those horrible old hags any more.'

Here I am its Sleeping Beauty
Having done my princess duty
Waking up from my sleeping
Seeing the dwarfs and my prince weeping
I want Cinder's prince to be my fella
He will see I am the Bella

Right - so could she do the flicking of the wand now and let us see if our Southern (Hemisphere) Belle can get the Prince going?

(To Stepmum - she said

"That poor young woman needs a hand
I'll give it with my fairy wand
Makeovers are my special trick
And all it takes is just one flick

But hang on just a tiny mo
Is marriage to prince the only show?")

But all the way from Australia, there's Belle on her bike!
So how about someone, somewhere waves a wand and Cinders can confront the Prince, Ugly sisters et al at the ball?

The old woman is really the fairy godmother and she will foretell Cinders meeting someone who will make her happy, then when she goes, the prince and Dandini will come across Cinders, but pretend to be each other afterwards, so Cinders isn't put off him..........

....and, OFF WE GO!.......

I've got to go and babysit, so my patience is running a bit thin.......

Cinders is in the wood, gathering her Kindle kindling, and an old woman comes into the clearing, struggling to pick up her few sticks.........

(New Prompt - 'Kindling? tell me where this bit is! I know it's Plot One, but I can't find it......' The prompt box is full of sheets of script)

(Sorry - didn't say what yesterday? Slight continuity hitch, is there?)

On my bike and rushing out
To reach the ball and cause a rout
St Trinians girls will be so proud
To see their own upset the crowd

Oh gawd, is the the prince so fair?
Is THAT what made me fix my hair?
And wear my very sexy knickers?
And join the cancan's highest kickers?

Oh well, I guess I'd better try
To make a play for royal guy
So watch out sisters, here comes Belle
To give you all a taste of hell.....

(New Prompt - to Stepmum -'You could be wrong there...she didn't say that yesterday!')

Stepmum
I now feel stressed and rather tatty
Where's that blasted Maserati
NOW - no more sitting on the fence
Bring her on, let battle commence!

Cinders: 'now where was I? Oh, yes - I need to GO AND GATHER SOME KINDLING IN THE WOOD!'

Cinders sets off into a clearing to pick up sticks and a frail old woman, draped in a dark cloak and hood, appears, limping and moaning about her bad hip....

Over to you, girls............

Gosh there is Cinders working hard
for those ugly lumps of lard
Where is the fairy god mother
Is she still drinking with her brother
Hurry up I hear you say
Shutup and just listen to the play

Audience
Oh yes we do!
Stepmum
Oh no we don't!

etc etc........

Stepmum

Oh no we don't!
She'll poke her nose in and magic a happy ending! So where would that leave my girls?

A lot of the Audience - 'We want the fairy grandmother! We want the fairy grandmother!'

Argument brewing in audience, last three rows.

'You speak to my kid like that again and I'll punch your lights out, mate!'
'Mate!?! Mate!?! Don't call me your mate - your kid just threw up over my boy's best trainers - what are you gonna do about it?'

'Sssshhhhhhh! we can't hear the row going on onstage. Baron Hardup keeps bottling out of coming on the stage and the Ugly Sisters are arguing about who looks the most attractive.'

'Security - can you move that family over to the empty rows at the front, please? Yes, you do need to sit there. No, I'm sorry, but these are the best seats in the house. Well, there's no need to be so uppity! OK, we won't take your photo while you're sat there. Well, how was I to know you've brought your girlfriends and her kids, when your wife is at home with the baby? Some people....'

'No, sir, we can't allow you to eat your KFC here - could you wait till the interval? I hate working at Christmas....'

Unhand my daughters, woman! My girls are very well-balanced and don't need counselling! (Well apart from the 4th one who couldn't make it here today - Hysteria)

(New prompt - grabbing alternative script - where am ? this is plot two, yes?)