Cinderella - The Gransnet Panto!

(OK. Hang on a minute!)

Stepmum/ Voice from distant ballroom

That cat hasn't been too useful and is about to become redundant anyway. Suggest Oxon steps up as understudy to Cinders and lets Carol off the hook. (She has by far the most important job to do offstage)

Cat - 'And mee - and mee!'

FG Right, we're on. I knew crimson had a few mice to spare. Lets see now, where's that bloomin wand. PoooooffffffffPoooooffffffffPoooooffffffff
Nice coach and horses eh Cinders?

(New Prompt - 'thank goodness, the understudy. Now where was I....?)
(I refuse to answer some unwarranted assumptions!)

Stand-in for Cinders here. I can't stay long (babysitting mutter mutter......)

So, Fairy Godmother, will these mice do? Buttons should have emptied them from the traps, but they ought to come in handy if you don't mind them having a few lacerations around the neck....?

(Cinders went to the loo - back in a minute.)

(Prompt - to stage hand - 'Get that pumpkin on stage!')

Could someone smell Oxon70's breath - I have a feeling she went for a tipple when we lost contact with her. No? Hmmmmm.........Check her handbag - I bet she's been drinking Night Nurse again. Somebody turn that script the right way up - she's been reading it sideways for the last half hour.

Will somebody step up and play Cinders. Getting fed up with talking to myself.

FG. Rifleing around in baronial larders etc
I know that Cinders will say yes
Despite the fact her hair's a mess
What have they go here in this cwtch
I've got to make do with not much...
A mouldy pumpkin that will do
I need team and coachmen too

Cat - 'Lizard - what Lizard? I'll get 'im..........there. No lizard here!'

Yessssss Oxon70! You've got it! Here's your chance to shine
Let's get on track. This pantomime.........
...has lost a wheel, we went astray
Now let's hear what Cinders has to say
She has the means, FG is here
The magic will make it all appear!

(Thank f**k for that......)

You never know babe. You might cop on. You could do with a fling to cheer you up. I got some condoms you could have, look.

FG: Oright love? What;s ocurrin? Ad to sort out one of me other babes. Dose of the clap picked up on Xmas eve. Never learn do they. Now - do you, or do you not want me to sort out a frock and get you to that nightoutonthetown babe?

(New Prompt..'that's on with Plot One, right? Cue the horse/mice..mouse, the dove and the pumpkin?' And the CAT? Whee!)

Sleeping Beauty:

Ugly sisters who are you kidding
As if the prince will do your bidding
There is the Trinian girl I fear
She really does have the largest rear
Where is Cinders where is the blimp
She really is the biggest wimp

(Enter FG2)

FG1's a total phoney
Always was a one-trick pony.

(Wanders off muttering)
Glass slippers, my foot. Lizard coachmen. Dear, oh, dear, oh dear…

Meantime, Stepmum and daughters exit kitchen and return to ballroom in keen anticipation of what is to come..........................................

In the kitchen, Cinders is surprised to see the Fairy Godmother appear - she realises it was the old woman she met in the wood. Fairy Godmother says she will use her magic to make sure Cinders goes to the ball in style, but first she will need some thinds to make a coach, horses, footmen to ride along with her, and she will magic her a beautiful ball gown and glass slippers...................

(New Prompt...'Did I pass out?) (No, you went for a wee and a sandwich. Now concentrate!)
Audience ' Where's the fairy godgrandmother? We want her!'

Can we please get that wand waved and get them to the ballroom where Antipodean Belle is about to wade in? Do we give Cinders a moment to get there while Belle sharpens her nails in anticipation? Do we leave the ballroom on tenterhooks and say........Meanwhile, back in the kitchen?

Cinders is in the kitchen, thinking about the young man and his friend, who she met when she was helping the mysterious old woman pick up her kindling stick in the wood. She really did like the man, although he didn't look like the fine, wealthy person the old woman had said she would meet.

All of a sudden, the Ugly Sisters and their mother come racing into the kitchen, showing off their finery for the ball, and telling Cinders she has top stay there and rake the ashes out of the grate.

Tolstoy? Wagner? Eat your hearts out! Just filling a space while I have a think!

'Art house panto'.........LOVE IT!!!